National: Millions of Ukrainians Show Their Solidarity with the Workers
of the World by Getting Wasted
SUMY - Celebrating May Day 2002. In Soviet times, this holiday was a showcase for the military and industrial might of the USSR. Today, it is just one more "povod", for knocking back a few bottles. As one drunken Ukrainian named Volodya told us, "Today we celebrated Workers' Day by drinking many, many toasts in honor of the working class. We have similar plans for honoring the victory over the Nazis."
Editorial
We at the Kyiv Beet are not afraid to take a stand on the tough, controversial issues that face Ukraine. And thus, for our first editorial, we would like to firmly come out against Corruption and for Democracy. Corruption is bad. Democracy is good. Sure, if you're a border guard making 300 hryvnas a month and have the opportunity to make 100 times that by looking the other way, you may have a different opinion. And maybe, if you're staring down the barrel of a huge fine that could somehow vanish for a small gratuity, you might be tempted to take a step down the path that leads to corruption and evil. Still, remember: Corruption = bad, Democracy = good.
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International: Jet Crashes in Korea - DefMin,
"It Wasn't Us"
NEW YORK - In a preemptive move to stave off speculation that Ukraine was somehow responsible for the Air China jetliner that crashed outside of Seoul last month, the Defense Ministry has told the world that they didn't do it. "Ever since the incident with that Israeli plane and the accident with the apartment block, everyone looks to blame us when there is a heinous tragedy," the Ukrainian ambassador to the UN, Valery Kuchinsky, said outside of a general assembly meeting, "and we're getting sick of it!" The ambassador then followed with an emotional tirade about Ukraine getting screwed in the international press and then sarcastically spewed a list of other tragedies that Ukraine was not responsible for either, which included the WTC attacks, the Titanic, the Hindenburg and the sinking of Atlantis. Delegates were not amused.
Local: Ex-pat Accidentally Buys Beer at Arizona's Non-Happy Hour Price
KYIV - Rick Johnson, a long-term ex-pat in Ukraine, was unpleasantly surprised on Friday night, when he realized that he had purchased a beer at the regular, non-Happy Hour price. "I come here to hang out and meet people, so I'm willing to pay six hryvnas for a beer that costs a hryvna-and-a-half on the street. Sure, it's a rip-off, but I'm paying for the atmosphere. Twelve hryvnas though, that's just robbery." Johnson then explained that he would not have purchased the non-Happy Hour beer at 8:12 p.m., if he had not previously consumed six Happy Hour beers. "I guess alcohol does affect your judgement," Johnson ruefully noted.
Local: USAID Finally Displays Bush Portraits
KYIV - Eighteen months after George W. Bush took the presidential oath of office on the steps of the Capitol, the USAID office in Kyiv has finally hung up the presidential photos. The director of USAID operations in Ukraine, Christopher Crowley - a registered Democrat - told us that, "It may have taken some time to get them up, but they are out there now." He then listed to us the locations of the portraits, which included the driver's office, the maintenance shack, the warehouse, the guards' changing area, and the 4th floor men's room.
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National: Multi-Million Dollar Maidan Restoration Plan Announced
KYIV - Ambitious Kyiv mayor Olexander Olmenchenko, the initiator of many construction projects over the past few years, announced on Monday plans for the restoration of Maidan Nezalezhnosti - only nine months after the new design was unveiled in August 2001. He told the group of reporters, "People just don't seem to like the new design for the square, so we decided to redo the whole thing and put it back the way it was." Official cost estimates have not yet been published, nor has any venue for public input been planned. However it is expected that the cost of the project will run in the $20-30 million range and take 13 months to complete. It is also expected that KyivMiskBud, the construction company owned by Omelchenko's nephew, will submit the best bid.
Crime: New Development in Gongadze Case
KYIV - Authorities have issued a new version of events surrounding the disappearance and presumed murder of internet journalist Georgiy Gongadze. Previously, law enforcement had announced that two organized crime figures nicknamed Cyclops and Sailor Boy were involved in the journalist's mysterious death. Now, it appears that an actual Cyclops and an actual sailor boy are the new chief suspects. Eyewitnesses claim that a giant one-eyed monster and a child dressed in sailor garb were seen buying Gongadze a drink prior to his disappearance. The Ministry of Internal Affairs asks all residents of Ukraine to be on the lookout for individuals matching these descriptions.
International: Fast Food Restaurants Picket Ukrainian Embassy
WASHINGTON D.C. - A group of prominent quick-service chicken outlets staged a protest rally in front of the Ukrainian embassy in response to continuing Ukrainian sanctions on U.S. chicken. The group of demonstrators included representatives of KFC, Church's Chicken, Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits, El Pollo Loco and Kenny Rogers Roasters. "We're here to stand up for the good name of the USA and American chicken," said Dick Sanders, CEO of KFC and grandson of the late founder Colonel Harlan Sanders, "no Russians gonna dis' us," he added. "It's the wood that makes it good mother f**ker!" shouted Kenny Rogers - the Gambler not in his usual composed form. The protest, which began peacefully, later turned ugly when frozen drummlets and nuggets were thrown at the embassy - resulting in several broken windows. Washington Metro police managed to disperse the demonstrators; no injuries were reported.
Restaurant Review: ÊÀÔÅ
ÊÀÔÅ, B. Khmelnitskogo, 8 - It's so cheap they couldn't afford a name, or perhaps the name is ÊÀÔÅ - who the hell knows?
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