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         The Kyiv Beet     Ukraine’s First Real “News”paper
Special Summer Solstice Issue!
    www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet    Vol. 1 No. 4,  June 21, 2002     
U.S. Embassy Announces Summer Visa Give-A-Way
KYIV - Looking to raise revenues for the U.S. Mission to Ukraine, the embassy has decided to grant a visa to any Ukrainian that can come up with the seventy-five bucks. This new policy is a significant turn-around from the long-established system having a 90% rejection rate for tourist visas. "Its really just a financial decision - not political or anything," said an unnamed consular official. " We need to bring more people through the door, especially after the recent application fee increase. Budgets are being cut across the board and we'd like to generate some more income - that's all," he added. Under the new plan, for the months of July and August, any Ukrainian citizen that can properly fill out the visa application and pay the $75 fee will be issued a one-month tourist visa. The embassy is anticipating an increase from the current level of about 100 applications per day to around 20,000. When asked how the embassy will deal with the huge increase, the official told us, "Hey, with no interviews to conduct and no background checks to do we'll just run 'em through like Mickey-Dees. Plus, we'll be getting all that fat cash and paying no taxes - diplomatic immunity baby!" When asked if he was concerned with the fact that many of those new visa recipients may not return to Ukraine he said, "Well, we'll just have go by the Honor System."

Business: New Prostitute Uniform Introduced
KYIV - As a result of consistent pressure from the prostitution lobby, the Ministry of Labor has come out with the new official hooker's uniform. The NGO, "Selected Ukrainian Registered Prostitutes"- or SLURP - has won their battle to reduce the confusion over who is a prostitute and who is not. "Now that the summer is here, as usual all the girls will be dressing up and looking like prostitutes, but really aren't," said SLURP President Olga Slutskaya, "and that ends up hurting our business." Foreign men and Ukrainians alike have, since independence, been confused over who is and who is not working. The result has been a loss of revenue for the legitimate hookers, and moments of embarrassment for regular Ukrainian girls who are incorrectly solicited by Johns. "This one girl slapped me upside my head when I asked her how much," said Eric Longstreet, a long-time ex-pat in Kyiv, "and I was so frazzled that I forgot about the whole thing for that night." The new uniform will be an ensemble outfit consisting of Stilleto heels, a black spandex mini-skirt, low-cut lace top and a yellow belt. Effective immediately, any girl that is wearing this outfit in public and is solicited, must accept the offer from the John or be faced with a 1000 Hr. fine from the authorities. Natasha (refused to give her last name) commenting on the new uniform toldThe Beet, I'm going to have to be careful this summer, or I'll ending up sleeping with more guys than necessary." The new regulations are not expected to affect American or Canadian women.

Development: UltraBizDevConProNet SME Project Holds Small Business Simulation Excercises
KHARKIV - Friday was the last day of a week long series of SME Business simulations conducted to better educate the contractors of USAID's flagship SME project, UltraBizDevConProNet. The Ukrainian and ex-pat employees of Ascertaining Sustainable Solutions (ASS), the contractor for UltraBizDevConProNet, are rich in project experience, but lack any actual small business experience. Thus the idea was hatched to launch a week-long simulation of business activities for the ASS employees. "Sure, we could have just hired some people with real SME experience to begin with, but those private sector guys are such pains in the ass that we decided not to," said Ronald Underwood Hye, Chief Party Guy for ASS. To create the simulation environment, entrepeneurs and small businessmen were flown into Kharkiv from all over Poland. The employees of ASS spent the week with them exploring different business themes and pretending to be businesspeople. "It was useful and interesting," said Vladimir Bezdelnikov, a Ukrainian that participated in the excercises. When asked why the event was held in Kharkiv instead of Kyiv and why Polish business people were used instead of Ukrainian businessmen, R.U. Hye answered "Obviously, we would have preferred to have the event in Kyiv and to have used local businesspeople, but it just would not have been cost effective. We work on a cost plus 20% system. If you don't fly people in, pay for hotels and per diem, you lose a lot of money. Also, by using Poles in Kharkiv we get to triple-count this event. Normally, the $500,000 spent on this weekend would count just toward our project. However, by using Poles we can credit $500,000 toward the Polish American Ukrainian Cooperative Initiative and by having the event in Kharkiv we can credit it toward the Kharkiv Partnership. This way everybody wins."

International: Moroz Lays Out Truth to Annan
KYIV - Socialist leader, Oleksandr Moroz, told U.N. Secretary General, Kofi Annan, during his visit to Kyiv this month, that Ukraine was undergoing serious political changes. He said power in the country was corrupted and had been usurped, that democracy was being demolished and human rights abused. Moroz also informed Mr. Annan that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Spider-Man, Bigfoot, and the Greek gods, Zeus and Apollo, were not real figures, but fictional characters.

Help Wanted
In accordance with U.S. legal guidelines that REQUIRE us to conduct a fair and transparent search for candidates, we, a USAID subcontractor, are seeking a full-time employee with prior USAID work experience for a SME development project. No phone inquiries will be accepted. E-mail applications will not receive a response unless you are chosen for the position, which, given the fact that we already have a candidate in mind, is pretty unlikely. E-mail your resume to:resumewastebasket@bigfatproject.org.ua


Ex-Putz in Exile

Name: John Updike
Where From: Peterborough, England
Time in Kyiv: 10 days
Why should we be talking to you about living in Ukraine? Uh, I don't know.


Business: New ¡Jorge! Magazine Launched




KYIV - "Living La Vida Jorge" was the theme of the night during the launch of ¡Jorge! magazine, a joint venture between the AMCHAM and What's On magazine. The new ¡Jorge! will exclusively focus on the adventures and exploits of the AMCHAM director, Jorge Zukoski. "Jorge is in almost every issue of What's On and is featured in many other publications as well," said ¡Jorge! editor, Claire Benitos. "Obviously, interest in the Jorge personage is high. So, one day, it hit us, how about a separate magazine devoted to living Jorge-style?". The new magazine promises the inside scoop on the intrigues and romances within AMCHAM, the parties, the happy hours, and all the glamour that is ¡Jorge!. The launch party itself was a Who's Who of Kyiv's social scene, held at Arizona BBQ, with an impressive buffet spread. The big hit was the Zukoski shooters (tequila, Polish vodka, orange juice and Cointreau). "A party that will not soon be forgotten", said our Beet correspondent, who after 12 Zukoski shooters remembers very little of the evening. "We also look forward to reading the first issue."

National: Another Drunk Dumb-Ass Drowns, New Rules Take Effect
KYIV - In an effort to combat the enormously high occurrence of drowning in Ukraine, the Verkhovna Rada has enacted new far-reaching legislation. After the latest accident, and citing that so far this year 128 people have drowned in Ukrainian waterways (mostly intoxicated teenagers and adults), and that last year 550 people drowned nationwide, the Rada approved a law requiring all people within 10 meters of any navigable waterway to wear government-approved floaties. The floaties, when properly inflated, fit snuggly on the upper arm and provide buoyancy for the buoyancy-impaired. In addition, the law will require all vodka bottles to be equipped with personal floatation devices. Rada members praise the new law as a "step in the right direction" in the preservation of countless Ukrainian lives. Critics though, doubt the ability of law enforcement agencies to properly and effectively implement the new rules, and also see it as another opportunity for the militsiya to solicit bribes from citizens. UkrBodyFloat, the state-owned enterprise in Sevastopol, has been granted the license to produce the government-approved product.

Regional: Russia Celebrates Independence Day; Others Follow Suit
MOSCOW - On Wednesday, June 12, Russians from Kaliningrad to Sakhalin celebrated their independence from the Soviet Union. It was on that day in 1990 that the deputies of the Supreme Soviet voted for Russian state sovereignty. Likewise, other prominent celebrations on this year's calendar include: England's independence from the British Empire, Italy's independence from the Roman Empire, Turkey's independence from the Ottoman Empire and Germany's independence from the Third Reich.

Local: Ex-pat Seeking Professional Back-Rub Accidentally Gets Professional Blow-Job
KYIV - Todd Hunnicut, a new ex-pat in Kyiv, was looking for a massage and ended up with oral sex instead. "Hey man, the ad clearly said massage," Hunnicut said. "My back was a little sore, so I looked in one of the English-language periodicals for a masseuse. The agency said that it would be $30 for a home visit. I thought that was an okay deal, so I agreed. Then this hot woman showed up. Anyhow, I was lying there on my back, innocently waiting for my backrub, next thing I know, she rolls me over, and puts Little Willy in a serious liplock. You can imagine my shock and surprise. Even though it wasn't what expected, I have to admit that I forgot all about my sore back. I feel kinda silly about it now, I mean, when I look at the rest of the ads in that section now, it's kinda obvious that 'massage' is a euphemism for something else. Still, I didn't think that a Western-owned periodical would openly advertise prostitution like that."

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Archive:

June 1, 2002 Issue
May 2002 Issue
April 2002 Issue
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