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         The Kyiv Beet     Ukraine’s First Real “News”paper
    www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet    Vol. 1 No. 3,  June 1, 2002     
Kyiv Declares Independence! New State Created
KYIV REPUBLIC - As a result of a citywide referendum, Kyiv - the former capital of independent Ukraine - has become the 201st nation of the world. "This is a historic day for the people of Kyiv who have suffered long enough under the yoke of Ukraine," said the new Kyiv Foreign Minister. "We were tired of the Ukrainians with their $90 a month salaries and their 20-year-old Ladas making us look bad, and figured that we were better off on our own. Besides, with all the foreign companies, embassies and Westerners living in Kyiv, we're like a first world country anyway." Based on World Bank figures, the independent Kyiv Republic, with its population of 2.5 million residents, leapfrogs up the development ladder and now rivals the Czech Republic, Slovenia and Portugal in major economic indicators such as per capita GDP and monthly income. It also does well in secondary measures like upscale shops and restaurants per square kilometer and luxury cars per capita. In the new political structure former Kyiv mayor, Olexander Olmechenko, will become the prime minister of the new Kyiv Republic, while former Ukrainian president, Leonid Kuchma, will assume the post of president of the newly created Ukrainian Federation. The Federation will contain the remaining former Ukrainian oblasts, including non-Republican areas of Kyiv oblast, and the autonomous Crimean region. Apparently, seeing some logic in this new idea, the mayors of Moscow and Paris are reportedly taking the idea under consideration. When Oleg Didskov of Uzhgorod was asked about having to purchase a visa in order to visit the Kyiv Republic he responded, "Well, Kyiv is so expensive that I couldn't afford a hotel room there anyway, so I'll just go to Slovakia instead. Besides, those Kyiv people are such assholes."

National: Government to Privatize Individuals
KYIV - The Verkhovna Rada has approved a bill to allow the State Property Fund to privatize the country's citizens, SPF chairperson Oleksandr Bondar has announced. The bill, when put into effect, will allow the SPF to inventory and appraise the nation's human assets and to sell them in formal tenders or on the stock market. "Ukraine's greatest wealth is not in her factories or plants," Bondar said, "but its greatest wealth is in its people." He also noted that the government would be derelict in its responsibilities if it ignored the monetary value of its 49 million citizens. He said that almost all citizens would be subject to sale, except for those with strategic national importance. Citizens deemed to have a high value will likely be sold individually, and that "villagers" and "simple folk" will be sold in lots of between 25 and 10,000, depending on the age, gender, skills and aptitudes being offered. The decision by the Rada follows an earlier, controversial decision to privatize the Dnipro River. A consortium of investors registered in Cyprus plan to move the water to the Middle East. Once dry, the river bottom will be sold as agricultural land and building sites.

Development: Peace Corps Announces New Strategy for Ukraine
WASHINGTON D.C. - At a press conference yesterday, Peace Corps Director Gaddi Vasquez announced the long-awaited new strategy for Peace Corps in Ukraine - one volunteer per person. "We just decided that the best way we could help Ukraine to develop in the 21st century would be to assign one Peace Corps volunteer to each Ukrainian citizen - that way, everyone would be covered." This ambitious plan, which calls for the increase of the current number of 170 volunteers to approximately 48 million, is expected to be realized by the end of fiscal year 2004. This new plan coincides with the Peace Corps 10th anniversary in Ukraine and U.S. President Bush's pledge to increase the Peace Corps' role in world affairs. When asked for his comment about the anticipated doubling of the Ukrainian population, Prime Minister Kinakh asked, "How much is their monthly living allowance?" Current Peace Corps Ukraine Director, Karl Beck, was unavailable for comment.

Business: Name Change Forced Upon Ukrainian Companies
KYIV - In an attempt to attract more foreign investment to Ukraine, the Ministry of Economy is requiring that large companies change their names to something a little less confusing. Historically, enterprises in the Soviet Union were named with an acronym/abbreviation hybrid that reflected the location and purpose of the company - for example: "UkrAvtoDor", "OdessaEnergoRemont", and "VolynDrevProm" - and this system continued into the post independence period. But not anymore. "Nobody wants to invest in a company whose name you can't pronounce or spell", says Kjeld Kristiansen, president of the Danish giant, Lego. The new rules, which now allow a company's name to contain no more than two syllables, is hoped to bring Ukraine an additional $300 million in FDI in 2003. In an unexpected twist, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) in the United States has decided to use the Soviet naming policy as a penalty for American companies that have gone afoul as of late. So from now on, Enron Corp., Andersen and Microsoft Corp. will be known respectively as "OilProfNotUs', "AuditDocShred" and "CompIndMonop".

Crime: Ministry of Internal Affairs Solves Gongadze Case
KYIV - Gongadze is alive and well according to a spokesperson from the Ministry of Internal Affairs. "We have finally solved the Gongadze case," he continued. "After watching an old Columbo episode, it finally hit me, I figured out what happened. Gongadze staged the fake murder and is actually alive and well somewhere. We can deduce this by following the evidence trail. First, we know that he was not killed for his so-called journalistic activities. Second, our investigations into his gambling, womanizing, binge drinking, and narcotics use led nowhere. So, we have to ask ourselves 'Who had the most to gain from the murder?' The answer - Gongadze himself. Prior to the scandal, his little internet newssite was an obscure website and in financial trouble. After the scandal, it became one of the most popular sites in Ukraine and received financial support from a number of sources. Before the scandal, Miroslava Gongadze lived in an average apartment in Kiev. Now she and her kids live in America. It all adds up. Gongadze faked the murder to achieve professional and personal gains. Case closed."


International: World Bank Gives Ukraine Conditions For Tranche
KYIV - The World Bank has set four conditions in order for Ukraine to receive a US $250mn tranche, said Economy and European Integration Minster Oleksandr Shlapak. The World Bank delegation, headed by WB Vice-President for Europe and Central-Asia Johannes Lynn, has said that the Ukrainian government is considering a plan of actions that, if implemented, would allow Ukraine to receive the tranche. The first condition calls for 100 hot chicks per month to visit Brussels; the second condition requires free vodka for visiting World Bank & IMF delegates (real Stoli, not the cheap stuff); the third condition would have the Ukrainian ambassador to the UN recite to the general assembly every month, "We appreciate and will repay World Bank and IMF loans"; and the fourth condition would mandate that the Ukrainian government stops doing all that "f**ked-up stupid shit." Shlapak said that when mutually acceptable decisions on implementing these demands were found, the US $250mn loan would be prepared for disbursement.


International: Le Pen Buys Kyiv Apartment
PARIS AND KYIV- On an invitation from President Kuchma, former right-wing French presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen has purchased a five-room flat in the upscale Pechersk section of Kyiv. Le Pen's publicist told us, "Messr. Le Pen has been looking at Ukraine for some time, and now just seems like the right time for a move." According to his staff, Le Pen has found many similarities between France and Ukraine and would find it a pleasant place to live. "Not only is Ukraine about the same size as France and has plenty of cheap wine and beautiful women, but more importantly, there is almost no legal immigration and Ukraine is not a member of the European Union - two of his main platform stances during the recent presidential election." When a Kuchma administration spokesman was asked why the president would take an interest in Mr. Le Pen he explained, "You saw, the way Le Pen scared the left into voting for Chirac. The president thinks that Le Pen could do the same for him in 2004 because, unfortunately, [Natalia] Vitrenko just isn't scary enough."


Regional: Lukashenko Popularity Ratings at 105%
MINSK - President Alexander Lukashenko, who on September 10, 2001, retained the Belarussian presidency by carrying an impressive 75% of the electoral vote, has now achieved a record 105% approval rating from the Belarussian people. These figures were compiled by the Ministry of Statistics, at the personal request of the president. When asked how it was possible for the president's approval rating to exceed 100%, a ministry spokesman said, "Hey, the people just love President Lukashenko, why can't you understand that?"

Local: Ex-Pat Finds New Ukrainian Girlfriend "A Little Clingy"
L'VIV - Ed Simmons, 27, a recent arrival to the ex-pat scene, was quoted as saying that his new Ukrainian girlfriend was "a little clingy for my taste." "She wants to go everywhere with me and doesn't like it when I do things by myself." Ed finds the lack of freedom a little uncomfortable and says, "it 's kinda annoying when all my friends make "whip" noises when I walk into the room. But it's worth it because I'm now getting laid regularly." When asked for her side of the story, Natasha looked up and said, "ß ëþáëþ ªäà."



Letters to Someone Else's Editor
Dear Ms. Hartley,
We at The Kyiv Beet have read your letter to the Kyiv Post [May 3rd] regarding their, as you call it, "sensationalized coverage" of the synagogue attack on April 14. We also note your comments questioning the journalistic integrity of the Post. So, on behalf of the Post, we would just like to say - Lighten up, Michelle.
Street Poll
Now that McDs has celebrated five years in Ukraine we asked, "What do you think of McDonald's?"

Natasha Lyubova, 18 - "It's the coolest place to hang out. The music is loud, it's air-conditioned, the food is cheap and you can sit there forever. When they start selling beer, that'll be something."


Rick Lansing, 28 - "Why no Quarter Pounder w/Cheese? What's up with that? You take the Big Mac bun, press two hamburger patties together and there you go - it ain't rocket science."


Shelly Nelson, 31 - "A burger and coffee, they call that breakfast? Yeah right. What, no eggs in Ukraine?"


Yevgennia Dvorets, 63 - "I like the red and yellow flag colors, it makes me feel nostalgic for the good old days when I had some dignity and respect."


Olena Stelana, 26 - "I hate the food. It has no nutritional value and is totally artificial - it's not like Ukrainian food. And it is a clear example of U.S. cultural and economic imperialism."


Peter Macintosh, 29 - "I'm sick of all the Ukrainians saying how shitty the food is and how it's an example of US imperialism, but then I see the place packed with Ukrainians. And then I have to stand in line for 15 minutes and can't tell who's in which line with that diagonal queuing thing. They should make an American-only express line. Yeah, that's a good idea."

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May 2002 Issue
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