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| www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet | Vol. 1 No. 5, July 12, 2002 |
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MIA Publishes "Ruling-Out" Manual
KYIV - Capitalizing on its post-independence successes in ruling-out suspects, motives and causes of major crimes and catastrophes occurring in Ukraine, the Ministry of Internal Affairs has produced a manual to highlight their procedures. The new manual, which will be offered on the ministry's website for $89.95, will include both step-by-step "how-to" procedures and notable case studies from recent years. Some of the illustrated cases are: the ruling-out of "journalistic activities" as the motive for the Gongadze murder and the ruling-out of high-level government officials as possible suspects, the ruling-out of "anti-semitism" as the motive for the synagogue attack, the ruling-out of a S-200 missle as the cause of the Russian plane crash over the Black Sea, the ruling-out of a missle as the cause of the Brovary apartment-block damage, the ruling-out of "foul-play" as the cause of death of UkrSpetzExport's director, Valeriy Malev, and ruling-out of "being anti-governmental" as the motivation for the authorities shutting down numerous independent media outlets. In anticipation of strong demand, the ministry plans to directly market the new manual to the FBI, the UK's MI5, Scotland Yard, INTERPOL, and the Royal Mounted Canadian Police. When the Beet asked MIA representative, Oleksander Savchenko, if it would be better for the authorities to deduce the causes of committed crimes and disasters he responded, "Hey, our county is only 11 years old, one step at-a-time." In a related story, Russia's FSB security service has filed a civil lawsuit against the Ukrainian MIA alleging copyright infringement. The FSB maintains that the ruling-out procedures were theirs all along, and cited the ruling-out of an on-board screw-up as the cause of the damage and sinking of the Kursk nuclear submarine. The amount sought in the suit has not been disclosed.
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Science: New Study Addresses Linguistic Comprehension KYIV - An 11-week study has been commissioned to try to figure out why Ukrainians can't seem to understand words that are even the slightest-bit mispronounced. The Academy of Sciences of Ukraine, which is funding the study, is reacting to numerous complaints registered by foreign visitors to Ukraine over the years about locals making it difficult to purchase goods and services because of their occasional mispronunciations in Russian. "I have a Russian tutor and I'm dating a Ukrainian girl, so I think my Russian is pretty good," said Dave Jenkins, a Canadian exchange student. "But god forbid I stress the wrong syllable or screw up the pronunciation, because they'll give me that blank, dumbfounded look and keep saying, 'Shto? Shto?' after each of my attempts to get it right. It's so fucking annoying." The study will expose 1000 Ukrainians to a battery of exercises that will record their comprehension success rate when encountering foreign enunciation, pronunciation and accents as well as background noises and intoxication. "We'll get to the bottom of this," said an academy official, "it's only a matter of time." National: Govt. Says Nothing To Worry About After All KYIV - The Ministry of Emergency Situations was briefly alarmed yesterday when the Holy Shit Index spiked during early morning monitoring. It was not immediately clear what caused the sudden jump in the HSI, however, the director of the local Holy Shit Index monitoring complex, Vadim Lazarenko, said there was no foreseeable threat to the general population. "Although I can confirm that the Index did briefly reach "Holy Mother of God" on the scale, there is no reason for concern at this time." When asked what the possible reasons for the sudden rise in the Index might have been, the director replied, "Some government dumb-ass probably said something astronomically stupid but only one reporter heard it." The HSI reportedly returned to nominal levels by mid-morning. Business: AvtoZaz Begins Producing 1984 Pontiacs ZAPORIZHA - As a result of the apparent failure of the unprofitable 4 1/2-year-old AVTOZAZ-DAEWOO joint-venture, the Ukrainian auto conglomerate, UkrAuto, which owns an 80% stake at AvtoZAZ, has begun manufacturing new 1984 Pontiac models for the local market. General Motors, which was considered an original JV partner in 1997, has sold the production license for all its 1984 Pontiac models to UkrAuto for an undisclosed sum. The automaker's decision to produce 18-year-old American car designs is also spurred by the current regulations prohibiting the import of cars into Ukraine that are more than 10 years old. Rostislav Hrynya, director of AvtoZaz, explained that, "People aren't normally allowed to import the less-expensive cars from this era, so we get around that by making the cars here. Basically, the quality and features of the '84 Sunbirds, Bonnevilles and Grand Ams are better than those of a 2002 Lada, Tavria or Volga, and they will sell for less than those cars also." According to Kelly's Blue Book, the private-seller price for an '84 Sunbird in excellent condition and fully loaded is only $1048. Local: Ex-pat Exposed To Draft While Drinking Cold Beverage Escapes Unscathed KYIV - On Wednesday, July 10, several Ukrainians witnessed ex-pat Robert Fulton drinking a cold beverage while being exposed to a draft. Svitlana Bezumaya warned Robert repeatedly of his reckless behavior, citing the well-established dangers of sore throat, cold and general bad health that can result from draft exposure and cold beverage drinking. Still, to Svitlana's surprise and consternation Robert failed to take her warnings seriously. Three days later, Svitlana saw that Robert had not only failed to catch cold, but that his throat seemed fine. "Either he is some sort of superman or is taking medication, it's just not natural to be perfectly healthy when you engage in this sort risky behavior," Svitlana said after seeing him. "Still, this kind of activity can not go unpunished forever, eventually he will succumb to the dangers of either drafts or cold beverages."
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Local: Area Ex-Pat wonders, "Why Can't I Get A Date"? KYIV - Linda Granofsky, an American ex-pat in Kyiv for three years, wonders why she hasn't had a date since arriving in Kiev. "I don't get it," said a frustrated Granofsky. "I have a ton of male ex-pat friends and we get along just great. In fact, there have been several with whom I think I have really connected with. But when I make hints at maybe taking our friendship to the next level, I get denied quicker than a 19-year old Ukrainian girl applying for an American visa." Granofsky has heard from other female ex-pats that the only reason why male ex-pats date Ukrainian women is because they're easy. "There may be some truth to that," stated Granofsky, "but I have been much more sexually forward with men here in Ukraine than I ever was in the U.S., and I still can't even give it away. Its really strange, I make more money than 99% of Ukrainian women; I pay for my own chili cheese fries, deluxe bacon cheeseburger and diet Coke when I go to Friday's; hell, we even share a common language and culture. You would think that would be enough to at least get me a one night stand." Granofsky is still hopeful that she can get a date before her contract ends in September. "Summer is the season for romance," she quipped. "I plan on spending a lot of time at HydroPark this summer in my sexy new one piece swimsuit. If that doesn't land me a date, then I don't know what will." Culture: Kyiv Post Interviews The Beet KYIV - In what is seen as a coup for the journalistic community, the Kyiv Post newspaper has been the first publication to secure an interview with the Kyiv Beet. The Post, the leading English-language newspaper in Ukraine, was able to convince the founders of the Beet to participate in a real-time internet chat, held at the Cyber Zone internet cafe. "We are proud to have been the first ones to be able to get the 'inside scoop' on the popular alternative newspaper that has caused such a stir in Kyiv over the last few months," said Post founder Jed Sunden, at a recent charity event. "This type of hard-hitting, expose journalism is what gets the Post the kind of respect that it deserves!" he added. The Beet, which made it's first appearance in mid-April, is what ex-pats have described as a 'mouthpiece for frustrated foreigners in Ukraine', by parodying stories about government corruption, international aid, ex-pat culture, business, and Ukraine's standing in the world. After the printing of the Post article, some loyal Beetheads expressed dismay at the idea that the anonymous, bohemian Beet could 'sell out' and 'go legit' by collaborating with a mainstream publication such as the Post. In response to the criticism, the boys behind the Beet said dryly, "Hey, with all the fat cash that Jed put on the table, we just couldn't say no." Business: Mines To Be Converted to Underground Shopping Malls DONBASS REGION - Officials from Donetsk, impressed by Kyiv's extensive underground retail malls, have announced plans to convert coal mines into upscale underground shopping areas. Oleg Bezmislini, spokesman for the Donetsk City Administration, told reporters that, "We have a large workforce trained to work underground, we have more than ample underground space, and no one really wants our coal anyhow. Plus - it's kinda dangerous being a miner. Underground shopping is the ideal solution! DonbassDengiOtchistStroiTrans will be handling the construction of these areas, expected to open for business in early 2003. The shopping centers, unlike the mines, will be equiped with a broad range of safety equipment and are expected to be state of the art. 
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Ó 2002 Fakeguys Publications Ltd.