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         The Kyiv Beet     Ukraine’s First Real “News”paper
    www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet    Vol. 1 No. 7,  August 23, 2002     
"Potential" is Declared Verbum Non Grata
NEW YORK - After years of mounting frustration, a group of international businesspeople have written-off the word "potential" as a plausible description for Ukraine. With support from the AMCHAM and the British-Ukrainian Chamber of Commerce in Kyiv, the new decision will prevent any Western newspaper, magazine or journal from talking about the economic potential of Ukraine. "I completely agree with this decision, said U.S. venture capitalist, Don McCain, "I've been reading this crap since 1993, and it [Ukraine's potential] just hasn't come through. Almost everyday, even now, some nimrod is talking about Ukraine's potential. I hope I never hear the words 'potential' and 'Ukraine' in the same sentence ever again." It is anticipated that the word ban will prevent unknowing foreign investors from getting ripped-off in business projects in Ukraine, which has been an ongoing problem in the post-Soviet era. "Oh, yeah, I heard it all," an unnamed Brit told us, "the great strategic location, the large and highly educated workforce, the natural resources, the developed industrial infrastructure, the fertile agricultural land - what bullshit!" A list of alternate adjectives for describing Ukraine's future has not yet been released.
Regional: Asylum Seekers Take Wrong Turn; End Up in Ukraine
KIEV - Three Belarusian citizens on Tuesday, August 6, requested political asylum in Ukraine, claiming they had been persecuted in their home country for opposition views. Vladimir Bukhanov, Svyatoslav Shapovalov and Sergei Konev claimed in a statement to the media that because of their opposition activity - such as spreading of anti-presidential leaflets - Belarussian prosecutors had frequently questioned them, they were subject to police beatings and had friends who died in strange circumstances. Unfortunately, the trio later admitted that they actually intended to seek asylum in neighboring Poland, but that they got on the wrong bus in Brest and ended up in Volyn Oblast by mistake. They said that they would try to make the best of it and keep their fingers crossed.

International: New British Visa Program Impresses Government
KYIV- A new program being offered by the British Embassy will now allow Ukrainian businessmen to get quick visas for business trips to the UK. According to the British Consul, Jonathan Verney, the program will enable executives from companies that belong to either the AMCHAM, the EBA or the British-Ukrainian Chamber to receive same-day service for British visas, thereby significantly cutting the processing time for the applicants. In response, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MFA) will now give British businessmen that have directly invested more than $20 million in Ukraine a $10 discount on their next Ukrainian visa. Commenting on the MFA's decision, Verney gave a prepared statement (while averting his eyes), "We are encouraged by the MFA's action which clearly demonstrates the government's desire to join Euro-Atlantic structures and it's support in the war against terrorism."

Local: Friday's Cheeseburger Injures Customer
KYIV - An American dining at the popular T.G.I. Friday's restaurant dislocated his jaw last night while attempting to eat a Friday's Burger (38 Hr.). The flagship cheeseburger is served on a bun that is extremely thick by U.S. standards, with the top-half of the bun having an approximate thickness of a McDonald's three-tier Big Mac bun. When the entire burger is assembled, including bacon, onion, pickle, lettuce and tomato, it can reach a height of 8 inches (20 cm) and can be very difficult to eat, resulting in the customer overextending his mouth - and that's what happened to Jeff Goldfarb. "I ordered my standard medium-well and when it came the thing was as tall as my face, but I was real hungry so I gave it a shot. As I was opening I heard this pop, and then I felt this pain in my jaw, and I couldn't chew! Dammit I yelled! I said to the waitress, 'What the fuck is this?!" I just hurt myself!' Then she started telling me how the U.S. trainers told them that the bun was supposed to be that big. On the placemat is a picture of the fucking U.S. burger', I yelled at her and pointed, 'it's a third of this thickness, what the hell are you taking about?!', as she walked away unconcerned." Jeff is planning to take legal action against Friday's in a Dallas, Texas district court. As of July 1, 2002 T.G.I. Friday's maintained 701 restaurants in 56 countries.

National: Three-Eared Rabbit Wins Suit
The defendant, Petro Zaits (photo from Ukrainian News Agency
PRIPYAT - A mutated rabbit whose great-great-grandparents were grazing near Chernobyl's reactor #4 on the day of the tragic April 26, 1986 explosion has won a bitter 5-year lawsuit to be eligible for Chernobyl Fund aid. The rabbit's argument was that it is discriminatory to give financial assistance only to the human inhabitants of the Chernobyl zone, and that animals were equally as harmed, if not more so, and therefore were entitled to a slice of the Chernobyl-aid pie. The rabbit's lawyers said that this decision was a landmark case for non-sentients everywhere.


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News In Brief
  • Ukraine Ranks 80th in UN Development Report; "We're Better Than Moldova" Campaign Launches
  • Price Of Local Calls Increases By 50%; Shouting Makes A Comeback
  • Opposition Rallies Planned For September; Bystanders and Witnesses Being Sought
  • Germany Promises Compensation To Forced Laborers; Value Of "Will To Live" Appraised

    Local: Area Ex-Pats Sue Major Vodka Manufacturers
    KYIV - Following in the footsteps of obese Americans that have recently sued several U.S. fast food chains for "making them fat", hung-over Westerners in Kyiv are initiating a class-action lawsuit against the three largest Ukrainian vodka manufacturers. They accuse the companies of knowingly selling a product that causes intoxication and leads to "feeling like complete ass" the next morning. "There is no warning label on Nemiroff," said recent arrival, Tom Hutchinson, after attending a colleague's birthday celebration on Saturday night. "How was I supposed to know how many shots I could do? I spent last Sunday lying on the couch with a cold washcloth over my eyes, head throbbing relentlessly, stomach churning, and wanting to die. Nemiroff stole my Sunday! I deserve compensation for hours of physical and psychological suffering," he added. The foreigners are also claiming compensation for various vodka-related expenses. "I was coming home from a big night out with some other volunteers and had splurged on a 3 Hr. cab ride when I felt like I was going to puke," said Peace Corps volunteer Stacy Smith. "I was like, 'dude, you need to pull over, like, NOW!' Of course he didn't understand what I meant and before I could roll down the window, I hurled all over the back seat. The driver was totally pissed-off and added on an extra 20 hryvnas to cover the cost of cleaning up. Damn you Pervak!" shouted an angry Smith. Other claims have been submitted for of exorbitant bills incurred at Kyiv nightspots such as Cabaret and RestTown. "After all those shots I could barely see - I had no IDEA that I was buying that girl a $350 bottle of wine!" says Canadian Jack Hunt. "And I didn't even get laid!", he ruefully noted. Attorneys representing the vodka manufacturers were unavailable for comment.

    National: Ukrainian News focuses on Swimming
    KYIV - In the wake of the Lviv airshow disaster and the Stalin mass grave revelations, Ukrainian newscasters have been seeking for something positive to say about Ukraine. "Our government is riddled with corruption and incompentance, our military cannot seem to take more than one step in any direction without accidently killing somebody and/or doing serious property damage, we have the Gongadze thing and the Kolchuga incident hanging over our heads, and so on. Every now and then, you just want to say something nice about Ukraine. Thankfully, swimmers Yanna Klitchkova and Oleg Lisogor have both been performing extremely well in international swimming competitions. Granted, nobody really cares that much about swimming, but still, it's nice to have something positive to say about Ukraine," commented journalist Vladimir Novochenko. "With any luck, our new national bowling team will place in the top ten at the European championships," he added.


  • Archive:

    August 2, 2002 Issue
    July 12, 2002 Issue
    June 21, 2002 Issue
    June 1, 2002 Issue
    May 2002 Issue
    April 2002 Issue
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