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| www.oocities.org/thekyivbeet | Vol. 1 No. 6, August 2, 2002 |
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U.S. Embassy Hermetically Sealed
KYIV - With the prolongation of the "War on Terror" and fresh threats made by al-Qaeda, the American Embassy has decided to encase itself in concrete. The new measure was taken after a security survey of the compound revealed that there were still weaknesses in the embassy's defenses. "Despite closing off Kotsubinskoho Street, having the perimeter wall, placing planters in the road, erecting a series of 4-foot high concrete blocks in front, having the 15-foot high green steel fence, building an isolated entranceway and positioning armed guards and metal detectors, we just still don't feel safe enough," a said one unnamed diplomat. The latest intelligence put out by the State Department shows that Ukraine fits the profile of a country that is a high security risk for the U.S. "Our best recon shows that Ukraine has a liberal immigration policy, strong global political stances, a large Muslim population, sporadic violent civil unrest, a history of taking social action, large anti-American sentiment and lots of guns and explosives in private hands," a recent classified CIA document showed. The newly placed concrete dome covers a 10-acre area encompassing the building, and requires all employees to enter via multiple underground tunnels that were excavated throughout the city to the diplomats various apartments. The new security measures are reported to have cost $600 million and were constructed by KyivMiskBud.
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International: Ukraine Eases Visa Regs; U.S. Follows Suit WASHINGTON - In response to the Ukrainian government's new visa policy that took effect in July, the United States has reciprocated accordingly. The new Ukrainian consular rules allow travelers from North America, the EU and Japan to receive limited-stay tourist visas at the airport in Simferopol and at the airport and seaport in Odessa. Likewise, the State Department is now allowing Ukrainian tourists to obtain U.S. visas at the airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, the train station in Billings, Montana, the seaport in Biloxi, Mississippi, and the bus station in Prescott, Arizona. Politics: Court Removes Small Town Mayor STRIYY - A court in L'viv oblast has fired local Mayor Oleksandr Chaynyk after finding that he misused his office. In addition to losing his job, he was fined Hr 345. The Interior Ministry accused Chaynyk of abusing the public trust by working long hours, listening to and helping resolve constituent's problems and filing accurate expense vouchers. "It was pure dereliction of duty," said an Interior Ministry spokesman. "As much for what he didn't do as for what he did." The Interior Ministry proved that although Chaynyk had held the office for two years, he still had a personal net worth of less than $5,000 and owned no stock. "He has not fully exploited the benefits of his position," the spokesman said. "There are activities which are expected, and he has ignored them with impunity." In 2001, Chaynyk made headlines when he reported a local businessman for offering him a bribe, however the oblast prosecutor later exonerated the businessman. Considered an eccentric, Chaynyk refused to use a Mercedes automobile assigned to him by the city, and declined to vacation at the dacha which the city has provided to its chief executives for more than 40 years. "I can walk to work, and pay my own way," Chaynyk has been quoted as saying. He said that he would not appeal the court's ruling. "I don't want to waste the people's money on that," he said. National: New Privileged Auto Tags Revealed KYIV - In a move consistent with the current system of having "privileged" auto license plates, DAI (the Ukrainian road inspectorate) has unveiled the new "Fuck Off" top-of-the-line plate. The new gold and platinum plate, which will sell for a whopping $50,000 (in cash) will outrank the current set of special plates such as the tri-number plates, the diplomatic plates, the blue police plates, and even the feared presidential administration plates. The car that displays the new "Fuck Off" plate will be able to not only violate every rule of the road and park anywhere he likes and ignore militsiya, but the driver will also be able to run over inattentive pedestrians, force other cars off the road and piss with impunity. Two hundred plates have already been ordered by the public, and DAI expects that the additional revenue will allow them to purchase a fleet of the new Mercedes E Class sedans for use as patrol cars. Local: Ex-Pat Drastically Revises Opinion of USAID Programs KYIV - During his two-year stint in Rivne as a Peace Corps volunteer, Phillip Connelly was frequently heard to complain about the nature of US aid to Ukraine. Notes fellow PCV, Ken Peters, "Phil was always going off on how these guys wasted so much money, and how useless most of the programs were, how overpaid the contractors were, and how their housing allowances were ridiculous. He felt that development should be more of a calling than a hugely remunerative activity. All that has changed now that he works for an AID contractor. Now, he defends the system." "Sure, there is some waste and some of the programs are stupid," says Ken now, "but you need the high compensation and housing allowance to attract quality people. Without these programs, Ukraine is never going to get anywhere." As for his former opinions, Ken says, "Oh, that was just youthful indiscretion."
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News In Brief Victims' Relatives Not Relieved Local: Ex-Pat Reportedly Has "Gone Local" KYIV - Friends of long time American ex-pat, Brian Swenson, have confirmed that he's "gone local". "We started getting suspicious about Brian when we were partying at his house. When the time came for a beer run, Brian pulled out several large plastic sacks from a cupboard and said we could use them to carry the beer in. But then he said, 'Make sure you don't damage them because they are the best plastic sacks I have,'" said Steve Anderson, a long time friend of Swenson. "Then there was the time that he and a few friends were coming home from River Palace and Brian let two cabs go by because they wanted to charge 10 Hryvnas instead of the Hryvna 7.50 that he had offered. I mean, what the fuck, its not like we cant pay the extra Hryvna 2.50", stated Brad Jones, another friend of Brian's. Swenson's friends got final confirmation about his condition when he showed up for an ex-pat shashlik at Hydropark wearing a Speedo. "We were all like, 'Dude, nice wanger hanger' and 'couldn't you use one of your plastic sacks to smuggle in the grapes?', but it didn't even faze him," said Jones. Brian's friends are planning an intervention next weekend to confront him about his Ukrainianization. "Dude, I just hope we can show him how far to the dark side he has gone since arriving in Kyiv four years ago, and convince him to go back to the States for vacation/rehabilitation," said a concerned Anderson. Business: Consulting Firm Targets U.S. Market ODESSA - With the anti-corporate backlash currently existing in America, an Odessa-based financial advisory firm has opened a representative office in Chicago. The Ukrainian firm, "DengiPropadayet Ltd.", is trying to capitalize on the wave of recent high-profile financial scandals that have rocked the U.S. business foundation and resulted in tough, new regulation. We've got experience in double-books, kickbacks, fake companies, off-shore ops, barter, and other assorted specialties," noted a firm spokesman, Viktor Karmanikov. "Until recently, we believed all that stuff about transparency and fair business practices in America that technical assistance programs like to advertize. Thus, we ignored the U.S. as a potential market. Now we realize that there is a serious demand for our services. U.S. corporations need the expertise that we have accumulated from 11 years of operating in the cutthroat NIS marketplace that has the most invasive regulatory environment in the world, he said." "We make those boys over at Andersen look like amateurs," Karmanikov later boasted. The Ukrainian Observer has launched its new Turkmenistan-based magazine in Ashkhabad! Top Stories: Eastern Approaches: President Niyazov is Great! Knowledge Center: President Niyazov is Great! Random Notes: President Niyazov is Great! Diagogue & Debate: President Niyazov is Great! Readers Forum: President Niyazov is Great! | |
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