| |
| Vol. 1 No. 1, April 2002 |
|
Zimbabwe – Ukraine Elections “Free and Fair” HARARE, ZIMBABWE — The head of the Zimbabwean electoral observer mission to Ukraine has pronounced the March 31 general election “free and fair”. In a statement released on April 3rd, Zaid Anbalwe, announced that the campaign season, the execution on election day and the outcome of the elections had all conformed to Zimbabwean electoral standards. The Zimbabwean delegation spent 10 days in Ukraine, mostly in the Ivano-Frankivsk region. The Ukrainian Central Election Committee has thanked the Zimbabwean mission for its “fair and objective” judgement and said that it would be interested in conducting bi-national training in this field. In further good news for Ukraine, the following day the Belarussian government declared the Ukrainian elections to be “in accordance with good taste”. |
| National:
May is Declared 31-day Weekend KYIV – In an effort to simplify the working calendar for most Ukrainians, the Ministry of Loafing and Procrastination has officially declared that May 1-31 will be a holiday. Historically, the Ministry has waited until the last moment to announce which days around the May Day, VE Day and Easter holidays will be days off for the working population. However as this results in brain-racking work and pulling “all-nighters” for the ministry staff, and general confusion for the public, it was decided to cut to the chase and give everyone what they all wanted anyway. The ministry could not be reached for comment, but the message left on their answering machine said, “Call us back on Monday, June 3rd . When asked about the new holiday period, Oleg Tkachenko, 28, of Lutsk said, “This decision will make it much easier for me to know when to call in sick”. Sports: Klitschkos Seek Fat Guys HAMBURG, GERMANY - Universum Box-Promotion has announced that their “franchise” fighters, the Klitschko brothers, Volodymyr and Vitaly would begin defending their titles against fat guys off the street. Klaus-Peter Kohl, founder and president of Universum Box-Promotion, explained in a news conference from Hamburg on Thursday that the “Ukrainian national heroes” would take on all challengers in a bid to hone their boxing skills. “The fact of the matter is”, Mr. Kohl said in German, “that we have beaten every European chump out there and we need to move into high gear”. “Oh yes, we have also beaten all the top American heavyweights [Charles] Shufford, [Derrik] Jefferson, [David] Bostice, [Phil] Jackson, so we have nothing left to prove there.” Responding to criticism that the WBO title that Volodymyr holds is more of a “Chumpionship” title, Mr. Kohl stated, “Hey - Lewis, Tyson, Holyfield - they just don’t have what it takes to win the WBO belt. Asked why he hasn’t been able to get the brothers more fights in the United States, “…everyone knows that all the big boxing action is in Stuttgart’. Development: USAID Launches $20 Million “ReallyNewUltraBizProNet” Project KYIV – In an attempt to build upon the successes of the original “NewBizNet” project and the follow-up “BizPro” SME assistance project, USAID has announced the opening of the “ReallyNewUltraBizProNet” office in the center. In addition to providing such valuable services as photocopying and faxing, the 8-year, $20,000,000 project will arrange and deliver seminars to Ukrainian government officials about the “disutility” of government corruption and repressive taxation. In a move to keep up with USAID, the EU's TACIS Program has announced plans to offer a tender for its new "SuperBizDevUkrEconoTrans" SME project. Street Poll: 99.6% of Western Guys Think Ukrainian Chicks are “Hot!” KYIV – In a random poll of 200 American, European and Canadian men between the ages of 23 and 55 living in Ukraine, almost all of them described Ukrainian women as “hot”. “Dude, they are smokin’ and I love ’em’”, said 24-year-old Jason Radcliffe, a Peace Corps volunteer in Kherson, “especially the ones named Natasha!” They really seem to like me for who I am, not because I’m an American or anything.” Likewise, 51-year-old Magnus Swedenson from Goteburg, said, ”Ukraine is the kind of country where a grown man can find an attractive 17-year-old girl to love him unequivocally and not have society give him shit about it.” Of all the participants surveyed only one man (who shall remain nameless) did not recite the virtues of Ukrainian girls. His sexual orientation was not addressed. |
Business: “Obmin
Valyut” Guy Brags About Huge Profits ZHITOMYR – Igor Ribalets, 43, has told the Kyivv Beet that his money-exchange kiosk is so profitable that he is buying a new loaf of bread. “You see, with the spread between the buy and the sell rate at .1 kopeeks, with every $1000 transaction I make I earn one Hryvnia profit.” Mr. Ribalets currently has his dollar-Hryvnia rate set at 5.40 to buy and 5.401 to sell. “Some say to me, ‘why don’t you raise the spread and make more money, or charge a commission?’, but I say, ‘Hey I took economics in high school, and I know about elastricity of demand’”. “If I were to raise it up to say, a one kopeek spread, then all my customers would go and buy dollars on the street.” Mr. Ribalets is looking into expanding his business into selling licensed CDs and videos. “People know quality when they see it”, he said. Crime: New Suspect in Gongadze Case – Aliens! KYIV and TARASHCHA – In a joint statement released by the Interior Ministry and the Prosecutor General’s office today, it was said that the current top suspects for the now infamous Gongadze murder are extra-terrestrial intergalactic explorers. Apparently, according to the statement, the off-world visitors were in the Kyiv vicinity on the night of the murder in September 2000 and were witnessed making contact with the internet journalist shortly before his disappearance. When reporters asked officials to give more details about the new lead the response was that it was confidential as the investigation is still ongoing. In a collective memorandum issued by the remaining 199 nations of the world to the Ukrainian government, it was asked, “Are you f**king serious?” Politics: Pascual to Schaffer – “I’ve Had Just About Enough of You, Dude!” KYIV – U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine has “called out” U.S. congressman Bob Schaffer (R-CO) in order to settle the score once and for all. A 3-round boxing match between the two of them has been scheduled for June 8th at the Kyiv Sports Palace. The row between Pascual and Schaffer began last fall after the congressman, who is of Ukrainian descent, absolutely denied that he was working to prematurely replace Pascual as the American Ambassador to Ukraine. This, of course, in politico-speak means that he definitely is interested in that position, and this is when Pascual - being fluent in the dialect - began his anxiety. The congressman has since then been repeatedly asked this same question and had consistently said no to the accusation, thus raising Mr. Pascual’s agitation even more. Both parties hope that this event will put an end to the controversy. The current Las Vegas odds are given at 7:5 in Schaffer’s favor. The fight is sponsored by Nemiroff. Restaurant Review: San Tori Holy shit, this place is expensive!
|
Ó 2002 Fakeguys Publications Ltd.