My Thoughts
            (Get out of my brain!)              Why can't you just leave me alone?
Disclaimer:
    The following are my thoughts. If you believe any of my ideas are insightful and intelligent, there is something seriously wrong with you! However if for some reason you are interested in my brain and think like I do, let me know, because I am so lonely. Why doesn't anyone love me?
    Also I am not responsible for any happiness or peace that comes from this web page, because I want nothing to do with that hippy stuff.
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You asked for it, MY THOUGHTS.
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When you feel bad, just think about someone who has it worse. Then call that person on the phone and laugh at them. That always makes me feel better. What about you?

Living alone for the last six months since moving out of the house, I talk to myself quite a bit. I have noticed that I am far more interesting than I had every previously imagined.

Someday if I am ever abducted by aliens, I will ask them if they can drop me off somewhere nice, for example maybe Hawaii, then two weeks later abduct me again and drop me off at home. Why not? If it works, then free vacation! Woohoo!

I think it's possible that someday pigs could fly, if maybe we gave them a little positive encouragement every once and a while. Then finally I could get all that stuff my parents promised me!

A biology prof. asked me once in class "What does a cell loose when it divides?" I said "Maybe a little of it's self-esteem." That prof. never asked me another question.

When a guy purposes to his girlfriend, instead of buying a ring, I recommend a car. That way if she says no, at least you've got a ride home. (just makes sense doesn't it?)

Someday, when I propose to a girl I will do it with class. Perfect dinner, down on one knee, pledge of my love, then if she said yes, I would start laughing and say "I was just kidding, I can't believe you fell for that!"  I think that would be funny. Hehe!.

Some people complain about their household heating bill, but just imagine the one the Devil must get. You would probably think the fires of hell are free, but I doubt it. As we all know, nothing is free, not even for Mr. Evil himself. I wonder if this is his own private hell? I just can't help but picture him yelling at his loyal subjects complaining they're wasting money. I wonder if the devil turns the heat off at night to try to cut that bill down a little bit, like everyone's parents do. But I guess then the fires of hell would just not be the same.

When you read of hunting accidents in the paper, why do they always assume it was an accident. If I were going to kill someone, I think that would be the perfect crime, no fuss no muss. Those stories are always kind of funny to read, here is a typical one:
            "Officer I just saw this deer behind the bushes walking on two legs, wearing
             Franks jacket, cap, and carrying his riffle, then I thought:  Oh no that deer
             killed Frank! So I shot it. Then I realized it was not a deer. OOPS."

What's another word for synonym?

Gerbils have long tails. While hamsters have short stubby tails. Why?

If I was standing on the deck of the Titanic after all of the life boats had left, I would just turn to the person beside me and push them off. Come on, wouldn't you? Admit it. It's not like you would get into any trouble. Just walk up, start a conversation by saying something like "So that water sure looks cold", then shove them off. Hours of fun. (no more then two)

Late at night if your walking down the street and the person in front of you gets scared, and thinks your a mugger, you should probably chase after them. When you catch up you can clear up the confusion, and tell them you aren't a mugger. But it is important to not give up, no matter how far or fast they run, or how much they scream.

I think it would be a great idea to start my own cult. That way I could get people to do things for me without question. They could wash my car, do my homework, or even all get jobs and give me their paychecks. All I would have to do is convince them I 'm a God. That won't be too difficult, because hey, just look at me!

If  I were God, I don't think I would be harsh and vengeful. I would be known as "Brian that great god". It makes sense, because it's true.

I have a reason to live. Well at least until someone took it. You know who you are. Give it back!
Please.

When you stair at a hamster cage, sometimes do you ever wonder if you are the one the cage and the hamster is really free.

I'm not sure Brian is the right name for me anymore. Here is a couple ideas for new ones:
        1) Johnny B. Good
        2) An obviously innocent man
        3) A. Handsome  Man
        4) Who's Asking
        5) Nobody
        6) I Can Kick Your Ass
        7) Not Guilty
        8) Name (I like it, short and simple)
                Any suggestions?

For fun, put dish washing soap in the toilet. Then after a guest uses the washroom, walk in and shout "What did you eat!"

Sometimes, late at night, I get that urge from deep down inside my gut to kill someone. My problem is I'm too lazy to get out of bed.

I think being kind to small animals and children is important. I'll start next week.

Is there a swing threshold, a point at which a swing dancers limbs would just fly off? If so, at what velocity would this be? Check it out, have fun with science.

It really hurts when you ask a girl out and she says "NO!". However, it hurts much more when she says "Get away from me you ugly FREAK!". Trust me the second one is much worse.

Your laughing at me, not with me, aren't you.

You should always kick a man when he's down, especially if he's bigger then you. When else
will you get the chance? Just remember "Boot and Run".

You always hear all the landfills are getting full and there are less and less places to dump garbage, well I have a solution. You guessed it, the Grand Canyon. Just imagine how much garbage we could stuff in that thing!

If you fill out a job application form, you need to do something to stand out from the other applicants. I recommend cutting out letters and words from flyers then pasting them on the application. They will appreciate the effort, and trust me, it won't go unnoticed.

When a company is down sizing, instead of laying off employees by seniority, I recommend a sniper. Just put the sniper on the roof at quitting time, and tell him to take 10%. This way the employees do not have to suffer the trauma and depression of loosing a job. Also by using a sniper you can eliminate the slow and stupid employees, while retaining the fast and cunning ones.

I went to the doctor last week and asked him what was wrong with me. He said " Your a loser.
OHHH, you meant your health! Oops."

Instead of a mechanic, take your car to a voodoo doctor. I bet seeing a live chicken being sacrificed on the hood of your car would be pretty cool. The scary part would be if  he actually fixed it!

I really love spring time. The smell of spring air, the blooming flowers, and the thawing ground that allows me to bury the people I killed during the winter.

If you decide to make a deal with the devil, you should probably read the fine print. Trust me, I bet  he's got good lawyers.

When you write a check write in the memo box " In payment of sensual massage". Why do people always get mad when I do this?

I think pilots should learn to fly the same way baby birds do. Just take the unsuspecting trainee up for their first flight, then have the instructor put on a parachute and jump out when the student isn't looking. If they survive, I bet they would be a pretty good pilot. (isn't anyone listening)

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. However, I bet that horse would change his mind, with a gun to his head!

If I tried to kill someone, then saved their life, would that make me their father?

If you are ever on a plane that is about to crash and there is only one parachute, call dibbs.
This knowledge could one day save your life.

The other night when I looked at my friend, I realized I could kill him, if I wanted too. It's just that I lack the motivation because I'm a lazy guy. My psychiatrist says we'll work on motivation next week.

It's made out of people, it's made out of PEOPLE!!! (Sorry I just love saying that)

You always here people talk about the cave man days, when guys would go out, club a lady on the head, and drag her home to be his wife. However I believe anthropologists have this backwards. I picture a scenario more like: Grog and his buddies standing around talking about how big that woolly mammoth was they killed last week, when by a surprise attack Grog is clubbed over the head and dragged off. His buddies try to help, but out of fear for their own freedom, they scatter in all directions. The next morning Grog wakes up dazed and confused, there is this strange figure standing over him saying, "You are my husband now, there is no escape!" Then Grog curls into a ball in the corner of the cave, while rocking himself back and forth and saying over and over, "This isn't happening, this isn't happening,...".
Really doesn't this seem like a more plausible explanation?

The other day when I left the house, I accidentally forgot my dignity. I won't make that mistake again. Never, ever, again!!!

Instead of calling the woman you live with your wife, call her " The woman with whom I live a lie."

Whenever I'm walking along, stepping on bugs, it just makes me feel good.

Next time I meet a Jehovah witness, I'm going to ask if those nice suits they wear come with the religion. If so, sign me up! I need the dress clothes.

I am Boobar, not Foobar you idiots!

Not studying for an exam is like shooting yourself in the foot, but without the irony of actually shooting yourself in the foot.

Next time you go to a job interview, instead of putting your resume on a piece of paper, try putting it on a T-shirt. Then when being interviewed you could say something like "...and now I would like to direct your attention to my sleeve, where you can see my technical skills".

Last week, this girl said to me, "It is so refreshing to meet a nice guy like you, there isn't many of you around", so I said, "Well my species is low in numbers, but we're looking to reproduce".

The other week when I was sitting in class beside two beautiful girls I turned and said to them, "wow, almost too much beauty for one room", they said thanks, then I told them," I was only referring to myself, you girls are pretty conceded!". Oh well, some people are just that way, they can't help it.

The one problem you can never hide from the people closest to you,  is a body odor problem. How do they find out,
maybe it's intuition?

I think a funny thing to do on a first date is, take her to a nice restaurant, wait until the check comes, then look puzzled and say, "Gee, I seem to have misplaced my wallet, maybe I left it in the car, I'll go check." Then go out, start the car and drive away. Not only will she be turned on by you great sense of humour, but you will also get out of paying for diner.

I am against guns. I believe killing should be done the old fashioned way, with your bare hands!

For barbarians, it must seem like every time you just get finished cleaning your sword, another fight breaks out.

I bet if you traveled back in time to the stone age, and showed a bunch of cars to a group of cavemen, then asked them which one they liked the most, they would probably all pick the camaro.

I hate people who make generalizations, since theirs are always wrong, and mine are always right.

There is a fine line between "let us" and "lettuce". It sure makes you think.

If you ever decide to kill yourself by jumping off a bridge, aim for a boat, because man, they won't expect it!

So which term is more politically correct, is it "porn" or "porno", because the last thing I want to do is offend somebody.

They say you should always walk a mile in another mans shoes before you judge him. But they never mention how hard it is to catch the guy and get the shoes off him, since they always put up a fight.

On my resume under leadership experience I put, "Successfully riled a group of people into an angry mob." Why not, it is true.

Do you ever wonder if Nascar racers dream about what it would be like to drive Clockwise?

There is no such thing as bad grammar, just bad people.

If I am ever in Australia, I think a funny thing to do would be, late at night grab a Koala then put it in a sleeping kangaroos pouch.
Just imagine the looks on their faces when they wake up! Hehe!.

If you are sleep walking, then get into your car and go for a drive, is that considered falling asleep at the wheel? Or is it after the fact.

When you are siting  in front of  your computer, does it ever feel like the monitor is staring at you?

You know, I think I have finally realized that more RAM does not equal happiness, does not make you popular, have a lot of friends, or feel loved, but sure makes your computer run nicer! That's all that matters.

You know, I think more people would become vegetarians if vegetables were more fun to kill. Maybe they could kick and scream, plead for mercy, or look at you with a sad face. Then you could be like "No mercy for you carrot!", and then eat it.

OK, I officially admit that I have finally gone too far.
I must rest now.


I think a great new technology would be a toilet that could store the acidity of each person who uses it on a regular basis, then make up a profile for that person, so it could do stuff like say, "Thank you Brian, have a nice day!" whenever you use it.. You know, give it a personal touch. But it is possible to go to far, for example you sit down and the toilet says "So where have you been, it has been two days, I know you can't hold that long. Is it me, am I not good enough, because I can change!". Remember know one likes a needy toilet.

Wouldn't you love to see the bumper sticker:
       "Vegetables, the delicious scapegoat for misplaced anger"

For U of S Computer Science profs:
Ph.D. stands for Dr. of Disco

If you ever run out of dish washing soap, don't just run to the bathroom and grab a bar of soap or some shampoo. You may think, soap is soap, but trust me it's not. Kind of got a tangy taste to it though.

Every time people see zombies walking towards them, with their arms outstretched, why do they always assume the zombie wants to eat their brain. Isn't it possible the zombie just wants a hug?

You know, if you ever kill someone, and at that moment you realize you forgot to bring the shovel, don't get upset, laugh about, because hey, life is funny.

Someday, I would like to be one of the "Powers that be", because I bet they get to sit in the big comfy chairs.

Some day if I have a son, I plan to name him Jesus, because then that would make me God.

Happiness is like a bird that flies free, it will eventually be shot.

Instead of goldfish, get lobsters as pets. That way  if you ever plan a dinner party and at the last minute realize you forgot to buy food for the main course, your guests can play with the lobsters while you go to the grocery store! (Now that is planning!)

I repent all my sins! Woohoo loophole!!!

You've read my thoughts, I feel so violated.

Very funny video clip, highly recommended! I laugh every time I watch it (Download: Comedy - Kids Gets Hit By Basketball.mpg)


Beautiful redheads that like nerdy computer geeks. Common scientists, why haven't you succeeded!!!!

For a sniper, I bet an off day at work is when you forget to bring your scope, because man you sure waste a lot of bullets.

Writing this web page gave me a reason to live, and now it's OVER!

Enter my sad lonely existence.