Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table...and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
no way
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...

NAAAAH!

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado Convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth on the American Flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why Two words: Nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Lee Marvin
and Sam Peckinpaw
and a case of whisky
and drive to Texas...

Why don't you shut up and sing the song, pal?

I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf
Thoomph A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it