Women!

Tonight Dear?

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up
on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and
pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle
her bottom and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of
her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the
bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives
the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his
wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with
the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Honestly Dear!

   
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he 
walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby 
bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and 
starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to 
another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he 
realises its 3 AM and says;

"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" 

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands 
and then he goes home. 

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. 

"Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but 
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw 
this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led 
to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... 

"You God damn liar!!!  You went bowling again!!!"

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE.

5. NO ONE BUT THEIR CREATOR UNDERSTANDS THEIR INTERNAL LOGIC .

4. EVEN YOUR SMALLEST MISTAKES ARE IMMEDIATELY COMMITTED TO MEMORY FOR 
   FUTURE REFERENCE

3. NATIVE LANGUAGE USED TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER COMPUTERS IS 
   INCOMPREHENSIBLE

2. "BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME" ABOUT AS INFORMATIVE AS "IF YOU DON'T KNOW 
   WHY I'M MAD AT YOU, THEN I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO TELL YOU." 

1. AS SOON AS YOU COMMIT TO ONE, YOU FIND FIND YOURSELF SPENDING HALF YOUR 
   PAYCHECK ON ACCESSORIES FOR IT.

Potential Reality.

    
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his 
father for help.  

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, 

"I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert 
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep 
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've 
learned." 

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.  He asks his mother. 

"Mum, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert 
Redford?" 

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says.

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
 
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her. 

"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says. 

"Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says. 

"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two 
million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores." 

    
A woman says to her girlfriend.

"My husband has dandruff". 

"So give him Head and Shoulders" her friend answers. 

"OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

 
What do women and hurricanes have in common ?
 
When they come, it's wet and noisy, and when they go, they take half
your house with them.