Top Tips 2.

 OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
 Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't
 know.

 AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the
 pavement just outside your gate.  The milkman can then check
 your day-to-day requirement for himself.

 WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them.
 This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can
 later be used for shopping lists.

 MOTORISTS.  Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time
 after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car
 makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

 BUS DRIVERS.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
 accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the
 steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along
 the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer
 cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front
 of you.

 FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
 phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your
 ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the
 kerb.

 WHEN out driving always turn left.  Then, should you become
 lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure
 and always turning right.

 NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to
 the soles of your shoes.  They'll make Sainsburys feel like your
 own living room.

 DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This
 will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door
 is closed.

 DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft.  Keep it
 handy in the kitchen.  I put mine in the cupboard under the
 sink.

 SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
 passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by
 packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

 OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens
 and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly
 coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.

 TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply
 file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know
 exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.

 SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply
 popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is
 there.

 SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house
 and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

 DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons
 with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor
 with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the
 top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-
 filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will
 burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
 Probably.

 RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you
 don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

 BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy
 them by standing outside their window and changing their
 channel using your identical remote control.

 HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of
 washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in
 your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found
 that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose
 12 pounds in only 2 days.

 IF a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Make
 the child drink as many hot drinks as possible, such as tea
 or coffee, and within minutes the blockage will have simply
 melted away.

 WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as
 a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first
 as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

 AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the
 wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

 SMELL gas?  Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
 match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
 the source of the escaping gas.

 AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers
 turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked
 illegally.

 TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix
 your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know
 where the hell you're going.

 PENSIONERS.  Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time
 you go for a drive in your car.  That way you will be able to
 see out of the front window.

 SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions
 of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years'
 time.

 OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model
 boats.

 KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out
 of the ceiling at night.

 INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and
 keeping them in the garage.

 NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving
 supermarket door.

 TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can
 see which items you have recently run out of.

 MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by
 carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to
 the light before accepting them.

 SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a
 charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop.
 This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost.  I think.

 NO TIME for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and
 remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

 EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con.  Marmalade is a much cheaper
 alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

 GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by
 blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping
 to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.

 WIG wearers.  Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a
 brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap.  Carry a
 balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent
 party-goer.

 PENSIONERS.  Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so
 that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and
 collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still
 sound asleep in bed.

 APPLY red mail varnish to your nails before clipping them.  The
 red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
 (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
 varnish should be selected).

 PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
 makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
 amusing manner.

 WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing
 yourself again, this time carrying your pet.  Deduct the
 first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight.
 (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for
 the weight of the bowl and the water).

 MUMS!  when clearing up after a children's party, always burst
 balloons before throwing them away.  This way you use far
 fewer dustbin liners.

 HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles,
 which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole
 family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before
 departure.

 PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a
 pet gerbil, or hamster.

 OLD folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on
 top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises,
 and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.

 GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before
 planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.

 PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black
 eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with
 your wife.

 BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam
 instead of honey.

 PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the
 carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out
 into the garden at 11:30.

 KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of
 a wardrobe in your bedroom.

 BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal
 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft
 carriers.

 EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become
 too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet
 cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through
 the 6 inch gap under the door and walls.