A Mixed Bag.

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. 

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" 

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.  That's 
should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, 

"And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."



Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla,
when suddenly Thor said to Bob, 

"Bob, it's been a long time now. I *really* need to have sex.."

Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, 

"Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", 
and give her a bloody good seeing to.." 

And Thor did, and he saw that this was good..

The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous
night's events. 

"Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We 
had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologise this
instant!"..

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned
prostitute, saying.. 

"I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor.."

"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl. "You're Thor?!?.. I can't even
pith!!!"



"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight."



The ideal male?

"I think the ideal man is like a beluga whale--he has a four foot
long tongue and can breathe out of a hole in the top of his head."



How is a penis like fishing?

The small ones you throw back.
The medium ones you eat.
And the Large ones you mount!



"I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the
car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak
upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and
yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar
into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on
her ass and say, 'How about a little?'  She always pretends to be
asleep."



Howard had felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.  But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing
voice trying to reassure him -- "Howard.  Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and
you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring
him back to reality --  "Howard.  You're a veterinarian."