BLOKE AND HIS MISSUS
ON THIER HONEYMOON
IN BED IN THE HOTEL
REVELLERS OUTSIDE
SHOUTING " GO ON MY SON "
AND CHUCKING STONES AT WINDOW
MISSUS SAYS " OPEN THE WINDOW AND PISS ON THEM "
BLOKE SAYS " WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY ARE , ON THE ROOF ?"

Three soldiers have a weeks leave and all decide to bring back something
to occupy themselves with over the long boring nights in the barracks.

The first soldier returns with a pack of cards, but they soon get
bored.
The secound soldier returns with a chess board, but again the soon
get bored.
The third soldier returns with a great big bow of tampons and says
"Jump in."
"Jump in?" the others ask.
"Well" he replies, "It says on the box good for horse riding, tennis
and swimming!!"

Three blokes walking through the desert, extremely hot with their water
running out fast, as luck would have it they stumble across a Genie.

"You may have ONE wish each" Explains the Genie.
First bloke. "Could i have an ice cold pint of lager"
There wash a flash of light and he was holding an ice cold pint.
Secound bloke. "I would like an ice pack to keep me cool"
There was a flash and he was holding his ice pack.
Third bloke. "Hmmm" he said. "Could i have a car door please?"
There was a flash and he was holding his car door.

His companions turn to him and ask "Why a car door?"
"So that when i get too hot, i can open then window" came his reply.

Two pieces of string enter a bar. One of them goes to the bar and
orders two pints.
"Your a piece of string" shouts the barman "I have heard that your trouble,
get out"
Puzzled, the pair leave to find another bar. They find another and go inside
to order two pints.
"Your a piece of string" shouts the barmaid "I have heard that your trouble,
get out"

Pissed off, they both leave and decide to disguise themselves. First off,
they unravel parts of them selves and then knot themselves.

The enter the third pub and go and order their pints.
"Arent you pieces of string?" ask the barman.
"No, afraid not (a frayed knot!!)"

There was this vd scab walking down the road and he decided to take a short
cut over the railway track.  As he was crossing his foot got stuck and this
train starts bombing down towards him.  He struggles to get out but can't do it
and says "oh no I'm a goner here (gonorrhoea)

this guy has a sex change and goes back to see him old mates and they ask him
"did it hurt when they fiddled about with your wotsits and all that"
and the woman/man says "not at all"
and his mates say "well what about the implants - did they hurt ?"
"no not in the slightest altough i'll tell you what did hurt - having mu
brain shrunk and my mouth widened

A girl is out on a date, after driving around for sometime her date asks her,
"What do you want to do?"

She replies, "I want to get weighed"

After a lot of looking around, he finally finds a weighing scale, puts in a
coin and gets her weight. After some time he again asks her "what do you want
to do"

Again she replies "I want to get weighed"

This goes on for a couple more times, when the date gets really frustrated &
drives her back home & dumps her on her front yard. The girl goes in &
obviously is looking very depressed.

Her mom asks her "How was your date?"

"Wousy"

Three samurai are arguing among themselves about which is the greatest.  The 
first says, "See that fly?"  and in a blur, he draws his sword, swings, and 
 replaces it.  The fly drops in two pieces.

 The second says, "Very good, but do you see that fly?"  And with that he 
draws, swings and puts back his sword, and the fly falls in _four_ pieces.  
"Beat that!"

 The third says, "That is nothing.  See that fly?" and he quickly draws, 
swings, and resheaths his sword.  The fly keeps flying on.

"Ha!" the other two laugh, "the fly isn't even dead!"
"Yes," says the third samurai, "but he will never have children."

     A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly 
     speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
     The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on 
     the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass.  If I 
     start to get nervous, I take a sip."  So the next sunday he took 
     the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got 
     nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon 
     return to his office after mass he found the following note on his 
     door.
     
     1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
     2)  There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 
     3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10
     4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
     5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
     6)  We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
     7)  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as 
     Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
     8)  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him 
     9)  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
     don't say he was stoned off his ass.
     10) We do not refer to the cross as THE BIG T
     11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
     "Take this and eat it, for this is my body."  He did not say "Eat Me!"
     12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry" 
     13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
     "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeaaaaah God"
     14) Next sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
     Not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
     

So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss who is looking
very worried, and she says to him, "I've just been by the dolphin tank and
they're feeling very amorous.  They're doing all sorts of things to each
other.  And the trouble is that in less than an hour three busloads of second
graders are coming.  We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins
behaving as if they were in a porno flic.  

Now the only thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins is the meat
of baby seagulls.  So I want you to go down to the seashore, catch some baby
seagulls, put them in this bag, and hurry on back.  But be careful, a lion
escaped from the zoo this morning, and although he was heavily sedated he
still just might be dangerous.  OK, get going, and make it snappy."  

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore, and fills the
bag with baby seagulls.  He's walking back through the forest when he sees
the lion and it is lying on the path directly in front of him.  It's too late
to run away, and the feline does seem very placid. 

So summoning up all his courage he steps across the lion.  Nothing happens,
and so with much relief the guy begins to resume his journey, when all of a
sudden a policeman steps out, and says to him, "You're under
arrest!"  The guy can't believe it.  He says, "Tell me, officer, what's the
charge?" 

And the policeman says, "Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for
immoral porpoises."

three nuns were out riding bicycles. they go over a speed bump and the 
two younger ones go, "ooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo" they go a ways further and go 
over another speed bump and again the two younger ones go, 
"ooooOOOOOOoooo" and the lead nun turns around and says, "if you two 
don't stop that, i'll put the seats back on!"

A Protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Jewish rabbi were sitting at a 
table discussing 'when life begins'. The priest contested that life begins a 
conception with the minister saying that life begins at birth. Well they 
argued it out for a while, then they tuned to the rabbi and asked him: "Well 
when do you believe life begins?" The rabbi sat and thought for a while then 
said: "Life begins, when the last kid moves out and the dog dies."

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches the gates he is greeted by 
St. Peter who tells him that in heaven everey question he's ever had would be 
answered. "Great!" said the zebra. "I've always wanted to know if I'm white 
with black stripes or black with white stripes." St. Peter thinks for a while 
and says, "well I don't know, you'll hav to see God for that answer. So the 
zebra goes to see God and asks him the same question. Immediately God answers, 
"You are what you are." The zebra looks a little puzzeled and goes back to St. 
Peter. St. Peter asks, "So what happened?" The zebra tells him, "Well I asked 
him the same question I did to you." "And?" St Peter replies. "Well all he 
said after that was 'You are what you are', I don't understand" St. Peter's 
face lights up a little and says, "You got your answer." "Huh?" says the 
zebra. St Peter goes on to say, "Yeah. You're white with black stripes, cause 
if you were black with white stripes he would have said "You is what you is."

A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse
yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which
appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling
up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to
belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord',
and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much
of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts,
"Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the
road. The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of
town and into the hills. Suddenly he realises he is heading for the top
of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse
ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge,
he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of
slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the
salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its
tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones
clattering the hundreds of metres to the bottom. The man pulls out a
handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise
the Lord".....

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers
yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The
old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That
old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I
don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter
said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting
buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said
OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss
a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and
blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second
shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies
shouted, "I got the cow!"

Once upon a time...
...there was a man called Phil (sorry to any Phil's out there).
 
Every night, Phil went to the offlicence, bought 6 cans of lager and went
home to drink them in front of the TV.
 
One night, after his 6th can, the doorbell rang.  Phil staggers out and
opens the door.  Outside on the porch is a 6' tall cockroach.  Phil is
stunned, but is frankly astonished when the cockroach elbows its way into
the hall, grabs Phil by the neck and throws him halfway up the stairs.
When Phil comes round, the cockroach is gone and he puts the pain down to
too much cheap lager.
 
The next night, Phil has just finished his 4th can of lager when the
doorbell rings again.  He staggers (slightly less) to the door and there
outside is the 6' cockroach again.  It punches him in the head, kicks him
in the ankle and again when Phil regains consciousness it has gone.
 
The next night, after only two cans of lager the doorbell rings.  Phil
opens the door again (almost sober), and the cockroach is there again. It
hits him with a baseball bat, bites him on the arm and kicks both his
kneecaps.  Again, it vanishes.
 
Worried by now, Phil vows not to drink again and is therefore surprised
when the next night, utterly sober, he has the living daylights beaten
out of him by this 6' cockroach on the doorstep.
 
Phil goes to the Dr.  He explains what has been happening and the Dr
listens."Dr," he cries. "What's the matter with me?"
 
 
"Don't worry," reassures the Dr.  "There's just a nasty bug going round."
 

  Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
  college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name
  the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions,
  expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

  Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't
  think that is a proper question to ask me.  I assure you my parents
  will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

  Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
  question.

  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
  light."

  "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
  things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your lesson.  Two,
  you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a
  dreadful disappointment."

 bloke staying in the y.m.c.a.

  goes downstairs to the reception

 says to the receptionist 'would you like to come up to my room ???'

   girl says 'dunno' , bloke says 'well it says it's alright in the bible'

  girl says 'fairy nuff' so off they go .

in his room , bloke asks girl if she'd like a drink

   girl says 'dunno' , bloke says 'well it says it's alright in the bible'

  girl says 'fairy nuff , pernod + blackcurrant pleese'

 downs a few pernods , feeling a little bit jolly .

   bloke says 'fancy a shag then ??'

  girl says 'dunno' , bloke says 'well it says it's alright in the bible'

so away they go . few hours later , girl sobers up a bit

   says to the bloke 'where does it say all that in the bible then ??'

      bloke shows her the bible , opens up the front page


                  and inside the cover is scrawled

          " THE BRUNETTE IN THE RECEPTION IS A GOOD LAY AFTER A FEW DRINKS "

Dear Friend:
 
      This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of
 bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.  Unlike most
 chain letters, this one does not cost anything.  Just bundle up
 your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name
 appears at the top of the list.  Then add your name to the bottom
 of the list and send a copy of this letter to five of your friends.
 
      When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive
 3,125 men - and some of them are bound to be better than the one
 you gave up!
 
 *** DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!  One woman did and got her own man back! ***
 
  At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men.  They buried
her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her
face.
 
       

Once upon a time a man had been stranded on a desert isle for quite a 
period of time. One day a vivacious woman appears on the beach with 
scuba tanks and in a wet suit. She takes off the tanks and upon 
noticing the man asks him, "Would you like a cigarette?" 
 
"I'd love one," replies the man. Upon hearing this she unzips her wet 
suit slightly and produces a package of cigarettes. 
 
A few minutes later, she asks the man, "Would you like a drink?". 
 
"Wow! I'd really like one," says the man. The woman unzips her wet 
suit a little more and produces a flask. 
 
A few minutes later, the woman unzips her wet suit even more and asks, 
"Would you like to play around?" 
 
"Holy cow!" the man exclaims, "you mean you've got a set of golf clubs 
in there?"