A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist 
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the 
young man wants.  "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for 
a while and she's really hot.  I want the condoms because I think 
tonight's "the" night.  We're having dinner with her parents, and 
then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky 
after that.  Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd 
better give me the 12 pack."  The young man makes his purchase and 
leaves. 
 
Later  that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend 
and her  parents.  He asks if he might give the blessing, and they 
agree.  He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. 
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a 
religious person."  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me 
that your father is a pharmacist."

   A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was
to share a house with an elderly couple.  What's worse is that they have to
sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the
lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often.  Instead of
asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they
agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex.

  So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like
 eating orange?".

  This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked,
 "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below
 interrupted, "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could
you please not drip the orange juice down here!"

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who
here has ever seen a ghost?"  Most of the hands go up.  "And how many
of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"  About half
the hands stay up.  "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact
with a ghost?"  Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the
crowd.  "Gosh, that's pretty good.  OK, have any of you ever, uh, been
intimate with a ghost?"  One hand stays up.  The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact
with a ghost?"

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I
thought you said 'goat'."

	A group of Russians were on an expedition to the jungles of Africa. One day
they stumbled upon a tribe and were surprised to find that they knew of the
Russian people and their history. 

The tribal chief told the leader of the expedition that they knew of Russian
roulette and had a similar game. The chief led the leader to a ring of women.

The chief told the leader that any one of them would give him a blow job. The
leader asked what does that have to do with Russian roulette.

The chief replied "well you see one of the women is a cannibal".

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air
force general are having an argument about whose branch
of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch
that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs
under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that
was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private,
stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is
crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn.  "Airman,
catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water.  Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.  Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!  Horsie ride!  Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.  Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.  Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy!  This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!"

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a
local tribe there.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief got pregnant and eventually
gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that
the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to
pay a visit to the missionary.

"Father, my wife gave birth to a baby"
"Why, that's a very good news, Chief. Congrats"
"But Father, it is a white boy!?!?!?"

The missionary thinks for sometime and in a deep voice replies,
"Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways....
 The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side
 and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white
 sheep.."

The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment
before he spoke,

"Okay Father, here's the deal. You tell no one, and I'll tell
 no one."

 Two old ladies were shopping at the market when one of them spotted a stall

that was selling lavatory brushes for a pound each . So she said " I'll have

  one of those , they're a real bargain " 

Next week her friend asked her how she was finding the brush 

   and she replied " well i'm perservering , but my husband's ba

           back using paper !!!! "

 " Waiter , these eggs are off !!!! "

 
   " don't blame me sir , I only laid the waitress "

What do Virginity and an inflated balloon have in common ?

One prick and they're gone...;)

 nuns in a convent

  can't get to sleep

too much noise coming from the monastry next door

 nun goes to monastry and says to munk

   " can't you make less noise , trying to get some kip"

  munk says "sorry sister , but we're holding a munk's ball"


     "let go of it then " says nun

If you want a good shag, try Three Nuns

What goes black/white/black/white/black/white... Nun rolling down a hill

Two nuns reading late at night in their shared cell.  Suddenly the candle goes
out and they are plunged into darkness.  "Where's the candle ?" cries one.
"Yes, it does" moans the other...

How does a nun know when the Mother Superior's period has started ?
The abbot's willy tastes funny...

Man and wife have been married five years and are working out in the yard when
the man comments "Honey, your ass sure has gotten big lately."

The wife gets upset and moves to another part of the yard. A short while
later the man says "Honey, I'll bet your ass is bigger than that big old 
gas grill over there."  

The wife gets even angrier and goes on inside the house.  The man then gets
a tape measure and  measures the grill and goes into the house and measures
her ass.  He then says "I was right, your ass is bigger than the grill." 

 Later that night when they go to bed the man turns to his wife and says,
"Come on honey, let's do it."  To which the wife replies, " You're crazy if
you think I'm firing up this big ol' grill for that little weenie."

 it is true story , sad , but true , it was on yesterday's news

  So anyway , this bloke returned home unexpectedly early from the office

   one day . Went upstairs , only to find his wive being shagged by her

 lover . So he went to a cupboard and pulled out a shotgun .

  Pointed gun at lover and told him to stop .

   Lover standing in front of gun , totally naked .

" right " the husband said " i'm gonna shoot your balls off "

    "oh please sir , give me a fair chance " said lover .

   "O.K. then , set em swinging " said husband .

   Girl at home , takes boyfriend upstairs

  Father's sitting downstairs watching eastenders

    Hell of a noise coming from above

   Ceiling shaking , bed springs creaking

     Father shouts up the stairs " wot is going on up there ?? "

    girl and boyfriend come downstairs , girl looking a mess

     boyfriend all hot and bothered .

 " nuffing is going on " said the girl " we were just making some sandwiches "

    "yeah " said the father and i spose that's salad cream running down you

        your leg ?? "

  American , over visiting this country .

   Walking down the streets of oxford , spies a shapely woman in tight trousers

     So out of curiosity , he approaches the girl and asks " how do you get 

   into those tight pants ??? "

   and she says


      " A pernod and blackcurrant would be a start !!! "

 A little girl had just urinated on the classroom floor and being upset

 she started to cry . The teacher looked towards the back of the room and 

 noticed the pool .

  " Why didn't you put your hand up ?? " asked the teacher .

  " I did Miss " replied the little girl , " but it did trickle through

   my fingers !!! "

One day, the Pope, Billy Graham, and Steve Austin, were out fishing on a
lake.  The Pope says, "Oh dear!  I forgot the can of worms."  So he climbs
out of the boat and walks on the water to the pier, gets the can of worms,
walks on the water back to the boat and gets in the boat.  

Billy Graham says, "I forgot the fishing tackle."  So he gets out of the
boat, walks on the water to the pier, gets the tackle, and walks back.  

Steve Austin, not to be outdone, says, "I forgot the sodapop."  So he gets
out of the boat and promply sinks into the water.  The Pope turns to Billy
Graham and says, "We should have showed him where the rocks are?"  And the
Pope says, "What rocks?"

A police officer is questioning a murder suspect.

"What I don't understand" he says to the suspect, "is why, having killed
your wife, you then burried her in the back garden but with her bum sticking
up in the air.  Surely that's a dead (hah) giveaway ?"

"Well, " says the suspect "I had to have somewhere to park me bike..."

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the
hope of having a relationship.  When she finally picked up a handsome
looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as
to how it went.

"What's he like?" said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

"Oh, he's fine, I guess.  He's a musician, you know," said she.

"Did he have class?" said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said:  "Well, most of the time, yes,
but I don't think I'll be going out with him again."

"Oh?  Why not?" asked the friend.

"Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every
time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!"