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-= condom humour =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------ Rome (Reuter) - An Italian physics student is ringing the changes with a condom that plays classical music if it splits during sex. "When a condom breaks, you need to be warned urgently so that it can be changed in time. Mine will do it with a quick burst of Beethoven," amateur inventor Lino Missio, 26, said Friday. "I've got a prototype and it works just fine." Missio, who studies in Genoa, said his musical condom, which he patented this week, was coated with a special compound whose ability to conduct electricity changed when the condom splits. A minute, flexible microchip at the base of the condom measures any changes in the condom's electrical properties and sounds the alarm. "It needn't just play music. You could get it to give you a verbal warning," Missio told Reuters. He said he was looking for a company to help him develop and market his invention. -= condom humour =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------ List Of Possible Slogans Promoting 'National Condom Week' A crank with armor will never harm her Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic Before getting laid, wrap up your spade Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping Cover your stump before you hump Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool Don't be a loner, cover your boner Don't make a mistake, cover your snake. Don't be silly, protect your willy Especially in December, gift wrap your member If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. If you go into heat, package your meat If you really love her, wear a cover. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker No glove, no love! Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick The right selection will protect your erection When in doubt, shroud your spout When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis Wrap it in foil before checking her oil You can't go wrong if you shield your dong You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head -= condom humour =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------ A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. "What size package would you like?" "Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." "Why so many different ones?" "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish persuasion." "Why is that?" "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." "How about the nine-pack?" "That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a night and twice on weekends." "How about the twelve-pack." "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, February, March..." -= condom humour =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------ A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help. "Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?" "Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting." "Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine." "Why 3?", says the lad. "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks.", replies the clerk. "Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad. "That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk. "Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad. "Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk. "Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical." "Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." -= condom humour =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------ A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" -= condom humour =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------ There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. -= condom humour =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------ The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it. -= condom humour =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------ A population control program was introduced to the island, but the medicine men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided to concentrate on teaching men to wear condoms. One of the tribesmen who came in had eight children in eight years, and the medicine man told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as the man wore the condom, his woman could not have another baby. A month later, the man's wife came in and was pregnant again. The medicine man got very angry. He called the man in and asked him why he didn't wear the condoms. The man replied, "I DID wear one. But after six days, I had to urinate so badly that I cut the end off." -= condom humour =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------ A little boy came into the house and said to his little sister, "Guess what, I found a used condom underneath the magnolias." His little sister looker up and said, "What's a magnolia?" -= condom humour =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------ A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?" The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom." Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of condoms on counter) The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms." The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another one) The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms." The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms. Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the meal. The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen." The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious." The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist." -= condom humour =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------ This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" -= condom humour =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." -= condom humour =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------ A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She answered, "Depends on what's in it for me." -= condom humour =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! F**k me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100". -= condom humour =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------ What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Make a tyre and call it a good year. What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tyre... A tyre might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year! :) -= condom humour =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------ Why do cowboys use denim condoms? Because they shrink to fit. -= condom humour =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers? You turn them inside out and shake the f**k out of 'em. -= condom humour =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the new West Virginian rubbers? They're open-ended for more sensitivity. -= condom humour =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------ How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper. -= condom humour =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. -= condom humour =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------ Written on a condom vending machine: These chewing gums don't taste too good!!! Written on another one of the condom vending machines: For refund, insert baby. Another condom vending machine had the condom brand name "Adam And Eve" scratched out and replaced with "Adam And Steve". -= condom humour =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------ What do you call grit in a condom? An organ grinder! -= condom humour =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------ Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off. -= condom humour =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------ Why is a diploma like a condom? It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless the next day. -= condom humour =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------ A girl said, "My last lover was so bad, he should have used amateurphylactics!" -= condom humour =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------ I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled... So was the Titanic!!! -= condom humour =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------ What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold? Large, medium, and Liar. -= condom humour =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------ What does Kodak and a condom have in common? You use both to catch those special moments!!! -= condom humour =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------ When is the best time to wear a condom? On every conceivable occasion! -= condom humour =-= 30 =------------------------------------------------------ What should a woman do when her mate refuses to wear a condom because "It cuts down on what I feel"? Say, "Good, then we'll be even!" -= condom humour =-= 31 =------------------------------------------------------ What do condoms and coffins have in common? They both have stiffs in them, but one's coming and one's going. -= condom humour =-= 32 =------------------------------------------------------ Seen on a coupon for two products sold by the same manufacturer: Contraceptive sponge or home pregnancy test: your choice -= condom humour =-= 33 =------------------------------------------------------ This Indian goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that he has too many youngins. He asks if there is anything he can take for it. The pharmacist puts some rubbers on the counter and says try these. The Indian leaves happy. The next day, the Indian walks up to the counter and throws the remaining rubbers at the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks what happened. The Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber go BANG!!" The pharmacist looks suprised and gets some extra heavy duty Trojans and hands them to him and suggests he try these. The next day, the Indian comes back in and throws the remaining rubbers at the pharmacist. The suprised pharmacist asks what happened this time? The Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber go BANG!" The pharmacist thinks for a while. He says wait here and I'll be right back. He goes out back and gets an old Tire tube and sews a rubber out of it. He gives this to the Indian and says to try it. The Indian looks at it and agrees it will work. The next day, the Indian comes into the store moaning and limping! The pharmacist goes up to him and helps him to a seat. He then asks the Indian what happened. The Indian looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH! RUBBER go UGH! RIGHT NUT GO _BANG_!!!"
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