15> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 14> He actually *does* have your tongue. 13> You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 12> Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 11> You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 9> Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 7> Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 2> You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You... 1> Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened,
stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. Once the door
is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about
several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow and the mosquito season.
GUESTS:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on
that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'n Glop on your
breath, so much the better.
* For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select a fabric color which goes well with your fur. For example, white furred cats go to black wool clothing. * For a guest who claims, "I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
* When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table when company is not here".
* Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
WORK:
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise
known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, then picked up and consoled.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For knitting projects, curl quietly into the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spill the yarn.
* The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
PLAY:
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you
are fresh for playing catch the mouse or king-of-the-hill on your
human's bed between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
BEGIN PEOPLE TRAINING EARLY. YOU WILL THEN HAVE A SMOOTH RUNNING HOUSEHOLD. HUMANS NEED TO KNOW BASIC RULES. THEY CAN BE TAUGHT IF YOU START EARLY AND ARE CONSISTENT.
But at least now he smells a lot better.