Quickies

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other 
on a trans-Atlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of 
control.

In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries, 
"Make me feel like a woman one more time!" Rising to the occasion, the 
man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."



If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? 
The swallow.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 
45 minutes.



One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other 
one says, "Relax.  We just passed the tonsils."



What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? 
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? 
A quid a minute.



What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.



A midget sidles up to a tall blond."Hey, what do you say to a little f**k?"
She says, "Hello, you little f**k."



How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.



Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.



How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? 
The sex is the same but you get the remote.



How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.



What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"? 
About four inches



What's got four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull terrier.



Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny



What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.



What's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt? 
A yoghurt has a living culture.



What's the difference between a dog and a fox? 
About eight pints.



Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? 
Because his wife died.



A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's 
going on `ere then ?" Says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car !" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see 
it ?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key !" wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your 
penis is hanging out of your trousers ?"
"Holy shit !" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"



Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns 
about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees,
and starts to tell stories about how he's the toughest cowboy 
ever. The third just sits silently by the fire, patiently stirring 
the coals with his penis.



How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.



How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.



The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House 
window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. 
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators
be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the 
first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice 
President's". The president goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that 
all?" "Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting"



A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads, 
"Individual wanted to mate with ape, 5000 quid"
The next day a man telephones and agrees to the experiment on three 
simple conditions. The scientists are all ears. "First," says the 
man, "my wife must never know. Second, the children must have a 
religious upbringing and Third, I'll have to pay in installments."



What' the difference between a woman and a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
None, once you've finished with the breast, there's only an old 
greasy box to to put your bone in!!!!!