SOTALLY TOBER


starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

The Drinker's Prayer.



        Our beer,
        Which art in barrels.
        Hallowed be thy drink.
        Thy will be drunk,
        I will be drunk,
        At home as it is in the pub.
        Forgive us this day our daily spillages,
        As we forgive those who spill against us.
        For thine is the beer,
        The bitter and the lager.
        Forever and ever,

        BARMEN.

ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE.


SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION TO BE TAKEN

Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste.
Shirt front is wet. 		Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. Glass is empty Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet wet and cold. Glass is empty. Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog. After a while complain to the dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If you're not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked by the Salvation Army.
You notice the wall oposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. You have fallen over forwards. As for falling overbackwards.
Everything has gone dark. Tha bar is closing. PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find you bed cold, hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, then treat yourself to a lie-in.



BEER AND CUCUMBERS!


Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly fat and wrinkles (on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer.

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
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