Matches in WOWF are simmed with ZeusPro.
WOW Episode #24F
Ohhhhhhhhhh...WOW!
[Title sequence]
Cut to David McLane and Lee Marshall at the announcers' table.
McLane: Welcome to "WOW - Women of Wrestling", coming to you
from the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles, California. And I haven't been
this excited about a show in a long time, Lee Marshall. This week on WOW, we
will be kicking off the tournament that will determine the first WOW Intercontinental
Champion. We also will see whether the Total Athlete, Roxy Powers, can stand
up to the force of nature that is Jungle Grrrl. And we'll witness the debut
of a new tag team, Disciplinarian and Bronco Billie!
Marshall: Well, David, I agree that all of the other matches you mention
should be fantastic. I have to admit, though, that I am not looking forward
to seeing that tag team of Disciplinarian and Bronco Billie. Billie has been
forced into that team against her will! The Disciplinarian has used her ownership
of Bronco Billie's ranch as leverage to force Billie to do her bidding. I'm
sorry, but to me, indentured servitude is not entertainment.
McLane: I see your point there, Lee, but the same match will also mark
the reunification of Team Spirit, Patti Pep and Randi Rah Rah! And I know you
like them.
Marshall: I do, David, and I'm thrilled to see that Patti Pep has put
Lana Star behind her and gotten back to where she belongs, in Team Spirit. I
just hope that we can soon see Bronco Billie reunite with her old tag
team partner, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter.
McLane: I hope so too, Lee. And that match will be coming up in just
a few minutes. But first, we will inaugurate the Intercontinental tournament
with a match between Jacklyn Hyde and Farah the Persian Princess. And Lee, you
never quite know what Jacklyn Hyde is going to do.
Marshall: That's an understatement.
McLane: I recently had an opportunity to sit down with Jacklyn and get
some insight into the workings of this tortured soul.
[Cut to McLane-Jacklyn Hyde interview at the sanitarium. Jacklyn is in bed and, as usual, is clutching her dollie. She seems extremely calm. Dr. Sara Bellum and Nurse Mercy sit at her bedside.]
McLane: Dr. Bellum, don't you think that the therapy you're providing
Ms. Hyde is a little...unusual?
Bellum: I admit that it is unusual, Mr. McLane. But (lowering her voice)
it's as much for the well-being of the other patients here as for Jacklyn's
own. Jacklyn tends to get a little...uncontrollable. We're hoping that she will
get her frustrations out in a societally accepted manner, and no longer be tempted
to take them out on...the other nice folks here who are trying to get a rest.
And even if it doesn't work out that way, at least someone besides us has to
deal with her for a few hours a day, if you see what I'm getting at.
McLane: Jacklyn, do you know who I am?
Jacklyn (very sweetly): Of course. You're that idiot McLane who runs
the wrestling federation.
McLane sighs -- he's a whipping boy even for the mentally deranged -- and presses on.
McLane: Jacklyn, do you know why you're here?
Jacklyn: I think they first decided I was mad when I told them that my
favorite band is Culture Club.
Bellum (sighing): Jacklyn was committed about 10 years ago. She wrenched
a school desk out of the ground and hit a classmate who was teasing her with
it. He had to have major facial reconstructive surgery. She doesn't remember
it at all.
Jacklyn (to McLane, suggestively): I'll tumble for ya! (winks)
McLane: Wow...umm...I don't think I'm the guy you want for that. Anyway,
Jacklyn, how do you feel about your chances against Farah the Persian Princess
in the WOW Intercontinental Title Tournament?
Jacklyn: (imitating Terri Gold, whinily) I will take on anybody...anytime...anywhere.
(imitating a generic athlete) I'm just gonna go out there and give 110%. I just
take it one day at a time. (begins singing the theme from the old "One
Day at a Time" sitcom)
McLane: Jacklyn...umm, Jacklyn...are you sure you're in condition to
fight?
Jacklyn: Are you sure you're in condition to do some more crappy announcing?
McLane: Ummm...
Jacklyn: And are you sure your bowtie is on tight enough? Let me help
you with that!!
Jacklyn pulls McLane down by his neck and starts choking the life out of him. Dr. Bellum and Nurse Mercy run around panicking. Eventually, Nurse Mercy injects Jacklyn with a syringe.
Jacklyn: Ooooh....
Jacklyn falls asleep. McLane, Bellum, and Mercy sigh in relief.
Back to the announcers' table.
Marshall: Gee, David, are you ok?
McLane: Well, actually, my neck is still in a lot of pain, Lee. I can't
hold any grudges against Jacklyn, though. She simply is not in control of her
own actions.
Marshall: Well, let's see if that works to her disadvantage -- or to
her disadvantage -- in this Intercontinental Tournament match against
Farah, the Persian Princess...after this break.
[EnerX commercial]
Cut to Bronco Billie's ranch...whoops, sorry, the Disciplinarian's ranch. Billie is cleaning a floor on her hands and knees. Disciplinarian watches her closely.
Disciplinarian: Okay, that'll have to do. Let's go inside for your lesson.
Cut to a makeshift classroom, with a chalkboard and one desk. Disciplinarian is droning on.
Disciplinarian: So, Socrates believed in a life of self-examination.
For surely, if one knew what the good was, one would do it. But the Rubicon,
if you will, was this: that the things of the world we see are merely as shadows
on a cave wall....
Billie (suddenly): Who cares what these stupid ancient Greeks
thought? That was like a hundred years ago!!
Disciplinarian (angrily): First of all, it was about twenty-four
hundred years ago, you idiot. Secondly, I am trying -- without the slightest
cooperation from you, I might add -- to inculcate into your impoverished mind
a system of virtues. Virtues that will not only make you a better wrestler,
but a better person.
Billie (whining): But it's soooo haaaard! And I'm soooo booored!
Ms. D grabs Beckie by the collar.
Disciplinarian: Have it your way. But let me tell you something. I have
taught a lot of cheerleaders in my day, and without exception, I have found
them to be bubbleheaded boy toys good for absolutely nothing. If we lose to
them, I am going to take it very personally. You got that?
Billie (scared): Yes.
Disciplinarian: Good. Now finish emptying those slop buckets before I
reinstate corporal punishment.
A very disturbed Billie runs off.
Cut to the ring for the big tag team match.
A crazed-looking Selina runs off as the members of Team Spirit celebrate in a pom-pom frenzy. The Disciplinarian berates Bronco Billie for a while before they leave the ring, and continues to do so as they exit.
[Benny Hill commercial]
We see Beckie the Farmer's Daughter in her locker room. She has her head in her hands and looks very distraught. Terri Gold enters.
Terri: What's wrong, Beckie?
Beckie: I don't know, Terri...nothing seems to make sense anymore. Billie,
Selina, and I used to be such good friends.
[Show clip from show #3, when Billie and Beckie visited Selina in the hospital.]
[Show clip from show #7, when Selina bailed Beckie out from being triple-teamed
by Harley's Angels.]
Beckie: But now Billie lost her ranch, and had to dump me to team with
the Disciplinarian! Then, as if Billie's situation wasn't bad enough, Selina
comes in the ring and beats up on her for no reason at all! What's going on
around here?
Terri: I honestly don't know what happened to Selina, Beckie. But it's
obvious that she now has it in for her old friends. And she's a very dangerous
person to have as an opponent.
Beckie (depressed): Yeah.
Terri: Remember when you, me, Billie, and Selina teamed up to fight off
Harley's Angels?
[Show clip from show #5, when the match Terri describes took place.]
Beckie: Of course!
Terri: That team worked pretty well.
Beckie: It sure did!
Terri: Well, now there's only two of us left. But I think that's enough
to get Billie back, and to protect ourselves from Selina.
Beckie (offering a handshake): So...partners?
Terri (smiling and shaking hands): Partners.
Cut back to the ring, where Poison is taking on Paradise in a first-round Intercontinental Title Tournament match.
[Hooked on Phonics commercial]
McLane: We just witnessed a dominant performance by Poison, Lee Marshall.
Paradise barely got a move in during that match!
Marshall: She's not one you want to face, no doubt about that. Let's
see how the Intercontinental tournament bracket shapes up at this point.
Current Intercontinental Tournament Bracket
Marshall: As you can see, Poison advances to face Jungle Grrrl in the
next round of the title tournament. To win that one, Poison will need to put
in the kind of effort we saw her display just now.
McLane: And Poison will get the chance to scout out her opponent right
now, Lee, as Jungle Grrrl is about to face Roxy Powers.
Marshall: Yup. This is a contest between perhaps the most impressive
athletes in the federation, David. They're both very strong and extremely agile.
Should be a match to remember.
McLane: I couldn't agree more, so let's go to the ring announcer to kick
it off.
But instead...bounce...bounce. Slam Dunk makes her entrance, again clad in a Boston Celtics jersey. She is booed vociferously as she makes her way down the aisle. She smiles and motions for the crowd to keep booing her. When she reaches the ring, she turns and goes to the announcers' table, and takes third headset.
Slam: Chick Hearn ain't got nothin' on this chick. Let me show you fools what a real announcer sounds like!
McLane and Marshall shrug and allow Slam to stick around for the match, especially
since there's not much they can do about it anyway...
During and after the match, Marshall and McLane put Roxy over. They point out that she came very close to winning, where most of Jungle Grrrl's opponents have gotten completely squashed in very short matches. They agree that Roxy will be a title contender once she has a few more matches under her belt. Slam disagrees vociferously with their praise for "Peroxy". Among other things, she calls McLane "what happens when a penguin mates with a lapdog" and Marshall a "blind beached whale". Finally:
McLane: That's it, Slam. You better beat it back to the locker room,
or you're suspended.
Slam: Gee, McLane. Doesn't the commissioner decide on suspensions?
(Outwitted, McLane rolls his eyes and gives up on the idea of getting Slam out of there.)
Slam: And I've got something to say to the commissioner, too. Commissioner Danger, I hope you have more of a sense of fair play than that idiot McLane. McLane wouldn't give me a title shot, despite my virtually undefeated and dominant record. But I'm sure you realize that if anyone in this federation deserves a chance at the WOW belt, it's Slam Dunk. If not, I can only assume that you are a pantywaisted, corporate dork... just like the man you hate the most, McLane. You hear me knockin', Danger? Then let a baller in! For now, I am out!
(Slam slams down the headset and storms off. McLane tells us "that's all for this week" as we fade out.)
[Sponsored by the Invention Submission Corporation]
WOWF Federation File (goes in main ZeusPro directory)
Moves List (goes in "moves" directory)
Lee Marshall Commentary File (goes in "commentary" directory)
David McLane Commentary File (goes in "commentary" directory)