When Celebrities Attack!
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A GUIDELINE BY THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY FOR USE WHEN CONFRONTED BY DERANGED, DRUGGED AND/OR PISSED-OFF CELEBRITIES
Here in Southern California, celebrities are a natural, commonly occurring phenomenon. One can see them every day in supermarkets, bookstores, coffee shops, tattoo parlors, on the streets, in houses of ill repute and opium dens.
To the casual observer, celebrities can seem friendly, shy or even tame. But the experienced Southern Cali-
fornia resident knows that even the most harmless-looking celebrity can be a potentially dangerous -- or at least extremely annoying -- criminal just waiting for the opportune moment to strike out at innocent fans, bystanders and film critics.
Recent examples of what we here at the SCDPS call "stability challenged" celebrities include Anne Heche, Margot Kidder, Christian Slater, Jan-Michael Vincent and Robert Downey Jr. While each of these individuals is extremely talented and has entertained millions over the years, they also have displayed what can only be called "unusual" behavior that makes them a possible threat to the public or their next-door neighbors, and to film critics, in particular.
(However, this document is only for the general public. Film critics should refer to SCDPS document No. 2435-BR: "How to Criticize Stars AND Stay Alive")
Oh sure, at first it might seem like a dream come true: Your favorite movie star is knocking on your door, asking to use your shower. But then the incoherent rambling begins, combined with
asking, "You got any munchies in
this place?" and suddenly your favorite movie star is acting more like your freeloading, no-good ex-brother-in-law who asked to spend one night on your sofa and finally left three years later.
Or perhaps the celebrity does
not even ask to enter your residence: You return home from a long day of dodging street gangs and raging motorists to find the actor you saw in that really bad flick just a couple of months ago is passed out on your child's bed, clasping a gun in one hand and an Oscar in the other.
Your first instinct is to ignore the celebrity and hope he/she/it will leave. However, this is a common mistake made by most Southern Californians.
*** Remember: Celebrities never leave on their own -- unless you live next to a Starbuck's. ***
Call the police and keep the celebrity occupied until help arrives by asking for his/her/its autograph or a joint.
Also, never assume that the celebrity passed out in your bedroom or walking naked in circles in your front yard is harmless just because he/she/it hasn't been in a movie or TV show recently. Former child actors are among the most vicious -- and obnoxious -- form of dangerous celebrity. Approach former child actors (FCAs) with extreme caution.
*** Remember: A FCA has nothing to lose when the highlight of his/her/its career was a bit part on "Hello, Larry." ***
Also apply caution to current child actors. Just because they're cute today doesn't mean they won't be lethal tomorrow.
*** Remember: A current child actor (CCA) will, within a few short weeks, be a former child actor (FCA). ***
Links for Celebrites and their Victims:
This page is intended as a parody only and is not intended to infringe on any copyright holders nor harm the reputation of any person.
No celebrities were harmed in the making of this web page.
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