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You are invited to send in jokes or funny stories of an international or travel flavour; phone Colin on : 01255 880675 |
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Beware, those of a sensitive nature!! These jokes are nothing to do with Twinning. Some are even in utterly bad taste.
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WARNING: SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE SEXIST (MALE/FEMALE); APOLOGIES TO BLONDES, PARTICULARLY MEN BLONDES.
The Sex of the Computer
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer ?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one ????????????????????????????????? A man had
great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits
down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the
empty seat next to him. "No,"
he says. "The seat is empty." "This
is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right
mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the
biggest sporting
event in the world, and not use it?" "Well,
actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in "Oh
... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
the seat? The man
shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral." Don't
delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it. I
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. The
first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every
day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men
can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola
was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It
is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The
percentage
of -------------------------------------------
< /SPAN> The
percentage of
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The
cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent
people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
first novel ever written on a typewriter:
Tom
Sawyer.
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The
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades
- King David Hearts
- Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds
- Julius Caesar
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111,111,111
x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If
a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg
in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.
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Dear
Abby, I've
never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs ... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although
when I Ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't Know
them." I
always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks
down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I
once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She
went berserk
and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check on
her. I
decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to
the garage
and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street
when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha
R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to Be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer
Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper! You'll
love these; 1.
Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it. 2.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key... 3.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts. 4.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, "No, the steaks are too high. 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The
doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off. 8.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for
all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 13.
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So
he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally,
he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy". 14.
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's
that?"
"Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the
world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast*rd!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a
little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!
In
the 1400's a law was set forth in
------------------------------------------- Many
years ago in
------------------------------------------- Only
two people signed the Declaration of -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A.
Their birthplace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q.
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most po pular
boat name requested? <
STRONG>A.
Obsession -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"? A.
One thousand ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers all have in common? A.
All were invented by women. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A.
Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of
the year? A.
Father's Day -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In
Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making g the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It
was the accepted practice in ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many
years ago in -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At
least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
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There was once this keen golfer who one day said to
his wife. "If I go before you, will you marry
again".
She replied: "Possibly, I might." He then said, "If you did, would you let him come and live in this house?" She said, "Yes. I wouldn't want to move." Then he said, "And would you let him use my golf clubs?" And she replied, "No. He's left-handed." zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
This has to be one of the best
singles ads ever printed. It is reported to
Over 15,000 men found themselves
talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever
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Subject: Fw: WARNING.. Irish Virus and What Out Ranks a
Princess
A
British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into
a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane
prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me
to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that
would be super." On
his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps
you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo so the main man
can pitty-pat us on the ground." She
calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To
which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize the cat. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandpa's lap.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: |
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THE
DONKEY He
invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first,
the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down. |
Remember
the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough
of that crap . . . |
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Background On May 1st, the EU has ballooned to 25 member states - speaking 20 different languages. And every single committee meeting, plenary session and briefing document will have to be translated into all of them. The EU will soon require 80 interpreters per language per day. Plenty of jobs for you linguists. The following mock advert appeared on the front cover of G2 of the Guardian Newspaper today: joke or no joke? The caption following states: The multilingual nightmare of the new Europe. Of course we British think it would be easier if everyone spoke English! Well they do, don't they?
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A
young lady's first attempt to translate from English to German in
the airplane this week:
"Life vests under your seat" = "Lasse Müll unter deinen Sitz." (Leave rubbish under your seat). "Fasten seat belts while flying" = "Schnelle Sitze bellen während des Fluges." (Fast seats crash during flights).
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You know you are living in 2004 when: 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with
family is because they do not have e-mail.2. You have a
list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.3. Your
grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
can create a screen saver. 19. You're reading this and nodding
and laughing. |
The Parrot Finally, on the third day, the parrot could not
hold back any longer: |
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| A man is dining in a fancy restaurant
and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He
has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to
talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying
out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs
it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so
sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for
everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal
with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been
SO incredible!!! "You know," he said," you are the
perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies... You just happened to catch my
eye." |
The Navy found they had too many
officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They
promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in
his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam" |
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This one is for the
ladies!
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.
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| A professor stood before his
philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class
began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the > things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the waste disposal." "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!" |
On
a wall in a ladies room . .. .
"My
husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not." He
said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've He
said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? He
said . . .. What have you been doing with all the The English in France There was this Englishman who went with his family to France. On the first day he decided he would be friendly and walked around smiling and saying "Good morning!" to everyone. But everyone ignored him and looked rather aloof, and not very friendly at all. On discussing this with his wife, she suggested he try speaking a little French, which is what the French like. So he learned how to say "Bonjour, monsieur; bonjour, madame!". The next day he said bonjour to everyone he met and they all smiled back and said bonjour. Later on he saw a man under the bonnet of his car and went up to him and said: "Bonjour, monsieur." The man replied in fluent English, "xxxx off, you xxxxxxxx foreigner!" No offence meant.
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| From Alex: A true funny story
Always wear clean underwear
in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From
the "Northwest Florida Daily News" comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with
the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned
later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by...The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead....
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Tendring Twinning Website compiled by C. Knight © May 2004 TTA Secretary ; telephone 01255 880675 |
