Shades of Grey
1998

The sound of silver is like the cry of a wounded child shedding young blood
It feeds on fear and is smooth like liquid metal flowing through my veins
It moves like a nomad travelling deeper and deeper into my almost-non-existent soul, eating away the interior while suffocating the empty void with anguish and apathy
It grows inside my chest, it is hard and cold.
I smell the decay on its breath
It grabs me with its twisting claw and buries me in the ground like a degenerated seed
I slowly slip away, wishing I were dead with each passing moment
It grasps my throat with its cold, icy fingers and I declare my plea of death but it is eternally refused
I have outlived myself...




Honey
May 18, 2000

Memories stir my thoughts
They're covered by a thick layer of honey
I'm moving backwards in time to when these thoughts were pure
The honey melts
It leaves only a film of toxic anxiety
I am not protected from tears
My conscience is a nomad
I am not protected from treachery
So I cover the film with lies and deceit
Your eyes are sewed shut
I am no longer protected from your honey

for Tyler




Shamed Soul
November 2000

I lie awake and hear her voice
A fallen angel crying
Reads through the lines impatiently
I can't avoid the sweet embrace
Why does she not weep softly?
Her eyes reflect deceit's pale face
She lied to me
I can't let it go so easily
She lied to me
Her intention is the key
Why would she lie to me?
Was she afraid I'd leave her side?
She knows me all too well
So underneath her lies she hides
(In her fragile shell)
Why can't she see
Her words engraved in my memory?
On my hands and knees
I'm bleeding her disease
Denying all my pleas
Why would she lie to me?

originally written as lyrics for a song
dedicated to A-Jay





Untitled
January 21, 2001

Old flesh surfaces
The decay is still ripe
And he will feed off it once again
I am the rat
Constantly curious of what lies within his trap
Will a rat never learn her lesson?
Will she not give up the chase until she is fatally secured under his cold, metal bar?
Her curiosity is unavoidable just as her cruel fate
Will a rat never learn her lesson?
What lies within his trap, she will never know
Whatever it is, it is much more beautiful than the trap itself
But the beauty fades. It is deceiving because of where it lies
The rat realizes that the beauty and the trap are one
Two polar beings, side by side and joined
Death is inevitable, the beauty will never be known
The rat accepts the trap's brutal truth
The trap is now the rat, and the rat... a cat
She has learnt her lesson.

for Josh P.





Whisper
                                                March 7, 2001

                                            
Tightening the knot
                                        So free is that pretty noose
                                She's denying what her shallow heart is
                                              Clotted mascara
                                 She cannot grasp her own life in those
                                                 dirty palms
                                       How soft her lifeless skin is
                                  How vibrant is her cold, blank stare
                                             The eyes roll back
                                      Her heart shivers in my hand
                                      How beautiful she is in death


                                                   for Darci





                                          
The Final Time
                                                  April 2001


                                    
As dull as your blade could get
                                             You will get duller
                         As deep as your sword could plunge into my chest
                                            You will sink farther
                               As long as the handle will ignore my pain
                                 You will continue to ignore me longer
                                          The cut has been made
                                                   It is done
                                  You've pierced my soul the final time
                                            The wound remains
                                            The sword does not


                                                   for Darci




                                          
Into the Void
                                                March 6, 2000

                                  
I am the insignificance of nothing
                                        I have not a heart nor soul
                                              I am undignified
                                                    I'm ugly
                                 Without me the world would be whole





                                       
Awake in My Coffin
                                                     1999


                                             I cry inside myself
                                          I am empty, I am hollow
                                There is no value to my blackened heart
                            There is no expression on my gaunted visage
                                    Dry tears sting my pallid skin and
                               reflect words engraved in my tombstone
                                     Anguish no longer fills my body
                                          It is now an empty void
                         There is no longer a glint in my now-reddened eyes
                      There is only a grey shadow that follows my every move
                                 There is no longer a soul of emotions,
                                    My body provides a twisted cage
                             My only escape to freedom is six feet under
                                           Or am I already gone?





                                            
  Wrong Way
                                                June 10, 2001

                               
What is it that leads the heart astray?
                       Which direction must I take in order to be truly happy?
          It is too simple to say, "follow your heart," because it is split equally in two
                       Perhaps the transition from me to us was all too quick
                                The important connection was not there,
                                         it is between the other us
                               It is attractive, tempting and completely ill
                                It is something I crave; but is it healthy?
                                      It is there and it is what I want
                                   But what about the "I love you,"'s?
                                          That is here with our us
                                    And it is the reason I'm still here
                                    Losing that would ruin everything
                              But wait... slow down and think about this.
                                 For the moment is what is in my heart
                       Not knowing what the future holds is a dangerous tool;
                                      But the chance must be taken
            Going through with it will eman losing our us completely, without a trace
                           I am not at fault, my feelings cannot be changed
                               But what happens when the chance fails?
                                            I will have lost both
                                            There is nothing left
                                            But what do I care?
                                        It's all about that moment...
                                               I wish it wasn't


                                                    for Ivan




Only to the Untrained Eye
                 November 2001

            
Shaggy hair and a
                 Crooked smile
               Seduce a stranger
                 Smoke a while
                 Lay in bed and
                    Watch T.V.
          I wonder if he notices me?
                  I ask him now
                  Fearing I'll fail
                  He says to me
               His love was stale
                 What was once
                 Is now a dream
            She mauled and raped
                His self - esteem
                 And now I fear
                I'll carry this load
                What will happen
                 Down the road?
                   Love is not
               His main concern
                   What I gain
                 I'll have to earn




                
Three Words
               November 26, 2001

                 
Words linger
         They crawl beneath my flesh
     And were built to spill from my lips
              Were they too soon?
                     Too late?
          Questions answered with
                 New words I'm
                 Scared to hear
             Perhaps they can wait
           After all, there is no rush
              The sound of silence
            Couldn't be any sweeter
               When I'm with you





       
Secrets Swollen So Sore
               December 20, 2001

       
Maybe if I stole your eyes
   I would see what good you saw in me
           Maybe if I stole your ears
    I could hear words that make you cry
          Maybe if I stole your voice
    I could say the things I need to hear
        Maybe if I stole your thoughts
     I would know your highs and lows
       Maybe if I could steal your heart
             I would not be a theif




                  
Nicotine
                January 05, 2002

   
  My pillows ingest tears at night
Such solitude in the dark without his touch
      My body aches to breathe him in -
               To know he's there
                To taste the flesh
                He's my nicotine



Abstraction
January 7, 2002


You say you love
You say you'll leave -
Not me, the ground you live beneath
I need you here
Without you is hell
You've had me under your spell
Can I be your reason to stay?
Will I be the love of your life?
Commitment left the other day
But in my heart remains the knife




Standing in Line
January 17, 2002


Sometimes you love me
When I say it first
I flirt with complication
That gets me nowhere
Don't say you'll come around
When you really won't
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting is what I've done
Half the time since we met
Stay for once
And keep empty promises to yourself

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Tyler
July 8, 2000

Your long and tiring cryptic-coded lectures
sincerely amuse me
Your twisted assumptions in my so-called
prophetic abilities
Are somewhat mind-boggling.
Words are shoved down my throat
Then your guilt trip begins
The sick feeling comes,
And I choke on the fact that I've walked all over
you
I send the message but you do not recieve
Instead I become a liar
You give in and I am independent as always
In awe of all simplicity




Continuing On...
October 17, 2000


If I let myself continue to be stretched
My skin will tear
If I continue to value solitude
I will never be loved
If I continue to decieve
I will never be trusted
If I want what is simple
I will remain confused
My skin will continue to be torn
My heart will remain empty
My friends will continue to doubt me
I will remain confused
I will continue to hate what I want




Drifting Into Sweet Dreams
August 17, 2001


Those delicate rays from a lamp on my dresser
Cannot compare to the blinding sun.
I'd rather lay here a ponder
Why I am still awake and thinking of you.
Reminiscing that tender pastry scent
Brings me back into your grin.
The feeling of complete ease sets in.
That familiar trip-hop beat reminds me of that one night.
Fingertips on my skin send a quiver through my soul
And an arrrow through my heart.
I am alone,
But not for long.
I could stare into a million delicate rays
Before glancing at the blazing sun.




Silently Screaming
October 24, 2000


Painted vision, what lies beneath?
Scarred and damaged is what it sees
Branded ugly by itself
And wasting time...
How does it sleep with all the weakness of its keep?
How can it live knowing that one day it has to give?
Cold and angry on the inside
Frustration is what seems to tear the flesh
Cornerred every time
Insignificance causes its anguish
Itching, Seething, Festering, Breathing
Misunderstood and alone




Love as a Stale Cigarette
December 08, 2001


I'd have bled for just one touch
But you'll die when you're high
Would you die just for me?
Or is that asking too much?

I gave you all a girl could give
You take my tears, that's not nearly enough
I kiss the amber in your blood
The poison that obstructs your will to live

You suck on your cigarette
The love of your life
Breathing less air beats breathing it in
Oh how I resent it

I want to say it although your body is weak
That familiar medicine loiters on your breath
Between the frigid sheets
The words spill, I begin to speak:

"I'm falling and it's going to be hard
It makes me sore in every way
Instead you leave me behind
This feeling though, I can't discard"

My blood begins to boil
Your interest is the stale cigarette
The tawny brew you choose to swallow
The sight of it is chewing tinfoil

My pledge to you went unseen
It's strange the way you said it first
From side to side the way you trek
Please say what you really mean

"I love you now, it's too soon somehow"
Were the words you sang in sin
Now the song's been rearranged
You have my solemn vow

I'll sew my lips shut for the time
You'll get through this - I know it
Through the smoke and empty bottles
What isn't heard will now be mine



The Third Triangle
December 13, 2001


She's at it again
That filthy whore
She steals and she takes
But insists on more
Once I was blind
I see through her now
He won't understand
He's broken our vow
It's falling apart
For the third time again
She's back in my life
But the first time for him
The thought makes me cringe
Then together, alone
What we could have been
Will never be known
Because he chose her
The sex slave she is
He didn't choose me
The loss here is his




[Truth = File Not Found]
September 20, 2001


Feelings so white and pale
Emotion so raw and sore
Why hadn't the little bird come to me?
Was it the same reason he left as well?
"I replaced love with complication for you"
"I gave you my all"
Was that really all it ever was?
I wouldn't like to think so
But it's as close to the truth I've become
"Go away," tears, roll off my cheek and be gone
They listened and only one was shed

For Adam




Secrecy
September 27, 2001

Forbidden fruit
Longed to be touched by some distant foe
That silken whisper
Tickles my eardrum
And trickes down to
The very tips of my toes
Where it is safe and cloaked in cold darkness





Nocturne
August 2001


She was the colour of cocaine
A wilted rose in her shadow's way
Guarded from the sun
Blanketed in navy velvet sky
She spied a small flickering torch in the night
Her star had come to glutton in her cold touch
The star's gentle charm warmed her soul
Her heart was no longer hard and flat
As the sky began to fall, the sun began to rise
She caught a glimpse of herself in a puddle
The rose had bloomed into a radiant crimson flower
She snatched the star before it dissapeared
Into the bronze rays then kissed it goodnight
And placed it in her pocket
The petals curled up and hid from the sun
Her beauty would only be known
By her velvetty night sky




Someone Else
October 17, 2001


Somewhere, sometime
You will think of me
You will love to hate me
But your thoughts are false
You will convince yourself -
Your other self,
That I am just a bad memory
A memory you will soon forget
but because you're two-faced
I will not forget the hate
I will not forget the lies
I will not forget the pain
I will erase the empty apologies
And I'll forget the stale love
You will think of me
And you'll regret your sick whispers
Never telling how you felt
Was all you ever cared about




Untitled

December 2001


You come around to pat me on the back
And tell me how I've wronged
You've inflicted disgust in my eyes
Hiding behind something you are not
Try to sell me self-pity
You're cheap and superficial
But I see self-doubt behind those eyes
My interest is not official




The First... The Last
January 23, 2002

I bet you'll never know how much
I never tried to love you
Some people leave footprints on your heart
The only time I ever changed without trying
Was when you walked into my life
The first person I'd have bled for
Took me for a joke, a feeble mind
Too many tears shed for nothing
Time stood still when it was spent
Looking into your eyes
It was merely an empty wish
To have kept you by my side
Because if I could have seen
This fall apart
Every second was worth spending
Knowing what love really was
Even now I know it's over
I wouldn't take those futile words away
I'll keep them in my heart for always
I'll think back to what I thought was real
Regret won't cross my mind
You'll be the one and only fond memory
When I doubt love can exist
Submitted Poetry




More written work  by Kasara