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Duct Soup
Series 7, Episode 4
EPISODE 4 -- DUCT SOUP
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.8
9-13 February, 1997
Last updated: 9 May, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea, Martin Guy, Annette McIntosh & the original script
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]
LISTER
92 degrees... god!
I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the
corridor...
This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted
all
men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the
question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try
and
get to sleep.
Smeggin 'ell!
[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes
fixed
to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]
KOCHANSKI
One more time, and you get *this*. D'you hear?? Don't think I don't
mean
it! One more time, just - one more.
KOCHANSKI
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?? How many times
have I told you? Right, what was the last one?
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'. So the next one will be a 'rotut', and the one after that will
be a 'hernunger'.
Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --
KOCHANSKI
Now 'hernunger'...
KOCHANSKI
No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nurieek', 'rotut',
'hernunger' - what's wrong with you??
KOCHANSKI
If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookle'?? Where does 'sqweloookle' come from?? He's new!
[-- 3 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by steam which
clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]
LISTER
Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.
[-- 4 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has taken a pair
of
woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear, holding them in
place with a hair band. Sliding back into bed, she lies back down, and
takes up her spanner for comfort]
KOCHANSKI
Okayyy... right, right.
I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn
thing.
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, back in bed]
Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way,
ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
What?
KRYTEN
It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up?
KOCHANSKI
Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer?
KRYTEN
Oh, can't sleep?
KOCHANSKI
Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'ing
and
'rotut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they
'sqweloookle'!
KOCHANSKI
It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!
KRYTEN
It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the
very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he
ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.
KOCHANSKI
Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges
like
this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!
KRYTEN
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?
KOCHANSKI
I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"
I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always
hated
showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what
they'll
say??
KRYTEN
Erm, you hate showers?
KOCHANSKI
You see! Even you know and you hardly know me!
I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage
cheese
with pineapple chunks in.
KRYTEN
Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll
find
some supplies.
[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table and her face begins to
crumple]
KOCHANSKI
I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep
Space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my
ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of
clothes, and pipes that 'sqweloookle' when they should 'nurieek'!
KOCHANSKI
I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried
learning
what 'off-side' was.
KRYTEN
Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er,
I'm
not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing.
KRYTEN
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now.
KOCHANSKI
*gag*
What are you doing!? Get off me!
KRYTEN
The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.
KOCHANSKI
The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!
KRYTEN
No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database!
KRYTEN
Well, then... why have you stopped crying?
KOCHANSKI
Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich
Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!
KRYTEN
But, you're not crying, though.
KOCHANSKI
Well, no.
KRYTEN
So, it worked?
KOCHANSKI
Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
KOCHANSKI
Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich
parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this?
On
a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry
room and watching my knickers spin dry...
KRYTEN
Ma'am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that!
KOCHANSKI
That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters
and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it
from me, that laundry room will be packed!
KRYTEN
I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am.
A
great, great disservice!
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room
-----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning
washing
machines]
CAT
Wow - this is the best load yet!
LISTER
Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I
can't
sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.
CAT
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
LISTER
I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by
women's underwear spin drying.
CAT
My god, a g-string!
LISTER
Where?
CAT
You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small.
LISTER
I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.
CAT
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to
the washing machine company.
LISTER
Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of
order, do you know that?
CAT
Since when did you get so mature?
LISTER
Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.
CAT
Oh yeah?
LISTER
Yeah.
CAT
You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get
officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!
LISTER
Go and stick an egg up your nose.
CAT
It's true.
LISTER
Isn't true.
CAT
It is.
LISTER
It isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT LISTER
Is! Isn't!
Is! Isn't!
Is! Isn't!
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?
LISTER
About me being really mature.
KRYTEN
What's come over you, sir, why aren't you in bed?
LISTER
The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up?
KRYTEN
Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting
abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.
LISTER
What's the problem?
KRYTEN
It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the
sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.
LISTER
We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.
KRYTEN
Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able
to
have a bath, no cottage cheese, no --
KRYTEN
The thermostat! I swear I set the correct programme!
[Exit LISTER, CAT]
KRYTEN
Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who --
[-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section
------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a
can
of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a
disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without
looking at what she's doing]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Hi.
LISTER
How're you settling in?
KOCHANSKI
Great. Having a ball.
LISTER
We'll fix those pipes...
KOCHANSKI
If you could just make them go 'nurieek' every time without any
'sqweloookles', I'd be so grateful.
LISTER
We'll stop them completely.
KOCHANSKI
I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -
LISTER
Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.
KOCHANSKI
Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting; with
perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a
bath...
LISTER
Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.
[-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters
------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the
listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up
much of the floor space in front of his bunk]
LISTER
You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.
LISTER
I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.
KOCHANSKI
I don't know what to say...
LISTER
And I, erm... found this on that derelict...
LISTER
I was savin' it for your birthday.
LISTER
There's some make-up in there, too.
[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit]
KRYTEN
I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!
KRYTEN
Oh! Ma'am. Didn't spot you, there.
LISTER
Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
KRYTEN
[beat]
In, your quarters, sir?
LISTER
Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.
KRYTEN
In here? Without clothes on?
LISTER
Well, all convention dictates probably, yeah.
[SHOT: KRYTEN's worried face]
[DISSOLVE to ...]
[-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck
------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN
sees himself talking to his long-time friend LISTER, whose arm is linked
with KOCHANSKI. Both seem to be smiling just a little too much]
LISTER
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be
better
all 'round if you leave.
KRYTEN
Er, sir?
LISTER
As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it
started
that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?
KOCHANSKI
We got you this leaving present...
KRYTEN
A key-ring -
LISTER
With a 'C' on it.
KOCHANSKI
For 'Kryten'!
KRYTEN
But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...
KOCHANSKI
Ohh, don't make a fuss.
Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.
LISTER
You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you
settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set
about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat's next.
KOCHANSKI
I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!
LISTER
See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I
think
I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.
KOCHANSKI
And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a
funny
shaped head.
LISTER
You're not human, are you, you're a robot.
KOCHANSKI
Yeah!
LISTER
Eeeugh!
[Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs]
LISTER
Oh hi! You're early, come in!
KOCHANSKI
Good to see you!
[SHOT: KRYTEN's anguished face]
[DISSOLVE to...]
[-- 11 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters
-----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
I've just seen the future!
KRYTEN
I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left,
now.
KOCHANSKI
Did he? Never mind.
KRYTEN
Aren't you mad?
KOCHANSKI
I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some
sleep.
KRYTEN
Right. I'll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I'll be
*going*.
LISTER
Are you all right, Kryts?
KRYTEN
Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it!
Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
What's eating him?
LISTER
I dunno - I'll find out later.
KOCHANSKI
Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.
LISTER
Heyy, no bother.
KOCHANSKI
See you in the morning.
LISTER
That's right.
Well, I'll be going then?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah. 'Night.
LISTER
Right, I'll... I'll go...
KOCHANSKI
Yeah.
LISTER
Yeah.
KOCHANSKI
See you tomorrow.
LISTER
Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or
anything,
don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.
KOCHANSKI
I won't.
LISTER
Right then.
KOCHANSKI
'Night.
LISTER
'Night. Goodnight.
[Enter LISTER]
KOCHANSKI
What was that??
LISTER
Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...
[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]
CAT
What the hell's happenin'?
KRYTEN
The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings
and
it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick
in.
[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights
come
back up]
KRYTEN
Ah, thank goodness.
KRYTEN
I'll look into it immediately, sir!
LISTER
There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.
CAT
How come the doors closed?
LISTER
When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire,
re-inforce
hull integrity.
CAT
So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?
KRYTEN
Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!
CAT
You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with
absolutely zero expertise at the helm?
KOCHANSKI
No change there, then.
LISTER
We've got to re-fire the backup generator.
KRYTEN
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.
CAT
The what?
KRYTEN
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like
intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.
LISTER
How long's that gonna take?
KRYTEN
Oh, six hours, maybe more?
LISTER
Six hours??
KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?
LISTER
Fine, yeah. Yep, yep.
KOCHANSKI
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm
coming
in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.
KRYTEN
We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we
can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.
LISTER
Okay, let's go.
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway
----------------------------------------------]
[Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, cylindrical
corridors, flat-bottomed, about five feet wide by four high. Passage
through the ducts is possible only by crawling]
CAT
It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a
sauna
with a fat man on your face!
LISTER
I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!
KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?
LISTER
I need to take a break - I need air!
KOCHANSKI
He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?
LISTER
I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the
middle
somewhere... Can't breathe...
KRYTEN
Have a drink, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling
hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.
KRYTEN
Let's go.
[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]
LISTER
M' throat's closin'... chokin'...
KOCHANSKI
Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind
off
it.
KOCHANSKI
I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?
LISTER
Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a great time to
tell
me how great your boyfriend is, okay?
KOCHANSKI
He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.
LISTER
What?
KOCHANSKI
No, we were just good friends.
LISTER
No, but you said --
KOCHANSKI
I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I
asked him to play along.
LISTER
You weren't going out with him?
KOCHANSKI
He wasn't my type.
LISTER
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so
damn
picky! Why wasn't he your type?
KOCHANSKI
He was gay.
LISTER
You see? Picky. Everythin's got to be absolutely perfect before
you're
int --
What did you say??
KOCHANSKI
He was gay.
LISTER
Gay?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Me?
KOCHANSKI
That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his
final
attempt at trying to work things out.
LISTER
Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely
straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big
moustache
for starters - it just grows in little clumps...
KOCHANSKI
Oh, shut up...
LISTER
I'm just sayin' --
KOCHANSKI
I really miss him. He was great. Sometimes we used to go to bed
together, and he'd just hold me. Made me feel everything was okay.
LISTER
Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay!
KOCHANSKI
There's no need to make such a big deal about it!
LISTER
But I am not!
KOCHANSKI
Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.
LISTER
Yeah, so did I.
KOCHANSKI
Yeah?
LISTER
Yeah!
KOCHANSKI
Real friends, that you were really close to?
LISTER
Yeah.
KOCHANSKI
Name one.
LISTER
Okay, what about... Bent Bob?
KOCHANSKI
'Bent Bob'..??
LISTER
Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.
KOCHANSKI
That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it
going,
mate?"
LISTER
It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only
used
it behind his back. Used to go to poker school; nice bloke.
KOCHANSKI
And he was one of your really good friends, was he?
LISTER
All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.
KOCHANSKI
Yes you have - you just haven't known they were.
LISTER
Like who?
KOCHANSKI
Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.
LISTER
Toddhunter?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah.
LISTER
But he was married.
KOCHANSKI
So?
LISTER
He had kids!
KOCHANSKI
So??
LISTER
He used to fool around, slept with women!
KOCHANSKI
That doesn't mean anything -
LISTER
Yes it does!
[beat]
Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to
take my mind off being stuck in 'ere!
You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?
[beat]
God, I found that really attractive, as well.
Made me feel sort of superior and macho. Not that I don't *usually*
feel
macho, because I do.
KOCHANSKI
Here, have another drink - heteroboy.
LISTER
So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?
LISTER
Ahhhh, smeg!
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops
down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening
bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.
KOCHANSKI
Will you be okay?
CAT
Leave him to me.
LISTER
I'll be okay.
[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
CAT
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ew! I tell you, if I was dead you most
certainly could not swing me around in here!
LISTER
Cat...
CAT
Talk about cooped up!
LISTER
Cat!
CAT
Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?
LISTER
Right.
CAT
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is
it
because you're kind of sissy?
LISTER
Sissy.
CAT
Yeah??
LISTER
Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?
CAT
So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the
walls were --
LISTER
I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't
get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.
CAT
But how come you get it at all, though?
LISTER
I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a
trolley-
parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...
She was 22, come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just
something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m'
trolleys.
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --
CAT
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like
that...
LISTER
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten
years
older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he
used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we
snuck
into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she
leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this
wooden packing crate; it was 'im!
He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced,
tinned,
dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over
tan
from the lightbulb.
He was havin' none of that. He sealed me up in the box and said he was
gonna drop me in the canal - he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at
him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see
her again, just let me out!
In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped
out,
bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur
production
of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...
CAT
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway
----------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these
revelations, working at the access grill]
KRYTEN
I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention
it?
KOCHANSKI
Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.
KRYTEN
He's told me about everything else about his life...
KOCHANSKI
Not everything, Kryten.
KRYTEN
Absolutely, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Everything?
KRYTEN
Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese slice snap'
can only entertain for so long.
KOCHANSKI
So... what did he tell you about me?
KRYTEN
Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single
detail.
KOCHANSKI
You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate?
KRYTEN
Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We
all
had a good laugh about that!
KOCHANSKI
He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate
when
I'm making love?? He told you that??
KRYTEN
No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um,
helped
fix it.
KOCHANSKI
And that gave you a big laugh?
KRYTEN
Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were
glad
of the anecdote.
KOCHANSKI
S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that.
KRYTEN
Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for
blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll
laugh till you're sick!'.
KOCHANSKI
Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.
KRYTEN
In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way
that
a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?
KOCHANSKI
Well, it's because --
KRYTEN
It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the
salty goodness!
KOCHANSKI
That's his problem; I'm accounted for.
KRYTEN
What about the way you look at him?
KOCHANSKI
What way?
KRYTEN
I've seen the way!
KOCHANSKI
*What way*?
KRYTEN
Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!
KOCHANSKI
How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot
of
cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain
cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!
[beat]
Have I??
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway
----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
CAT
What's that?
LISTER
What's what?
CAT
Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise...
LISTER
A roaring noise?
CAT
Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...
LISTER
I can't hear a thing.
CAT
It's like water roaring down, say, a passageway. In a kind of roaring,
watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!
CAT
Hey, where're you goin'?
LISTER
Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water!
LISTER
Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!
CAT
You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.
LISTER
Come on!
CAT
I ain't goin' wit' you!
LISTER
Why not??
CAT
That's where the water's coming from. Psshhh. You can be really dumb
sometimes, you know that?
LISTER
I hate this, I really hate this!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway
----------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The troupe of bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off
Dwarfers
tramp though a larger section of ducts]
CAT
What's that?
LISTER
What's what?
CAT
That noise...
LISTER
Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?
CAT
No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise.
LISTER
Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off
Lister's
fist' kind of noise..?
CAT
It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, hurricaney
kind
of noise!
LISTER
A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise??
[beat]
The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!
LISTER
Here it comes...
LISTER
I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!
[-- x - Int. Supply room
--------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.
LISTER
What is it?
KRYTEN
There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte. *
[*pr.
"Lemo-plathenamine-cathorolite"!]
KRYTEN
Well done, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.
CAT
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!
LISTER
Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed
in?
It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?
KRYTEN
Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which
direction was it in?
KOCHANSKI
Dead ahead.
KRYTEN
Oh! Anything else in the vacinity?
KOCHANSKI
To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.
KRYTEN
I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial
impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into
that sun! And it's all my fault!
LISTER
Kryten, man, it's not your fault...
KRYTEN
It is!
LISTER
It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.
KRYTEN
I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access
panel
in the corridor.
LISTER
*What*??
KRYTEN
I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!
LISTER
Kryten, man, what made you do it??
KRYTEN
I really can't remember...
CAT
What do you mean, 'you can't remember'?
KRYTEN
I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...
KOCHANSKI
Say it...
KRYTEN
I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am. Well, I knew it would be one
of
those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before
we
know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to
dinner.
And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again!
KOCHANSKI
Oh, Kryten..!
KRYTEN
I - was - just - so - *scared*!
LISTER
Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!
KRYTEN
But we're not going to make it, sir!
LISTER
Yes we are!
KOCHANSKI
How?
LISTER
Catch some surf!
[-- x - Int. Starbug ductway
----------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The Dwarfers have salvaged a large metal plate upon which
they all sit, two-abreast]
LISTER
Okay, here it comes...
CAT
Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?
LISTER
Just get into position!
Here it --
ALL
AAAARRRRGGHH!
[-- x - Int. Supply room
--------------------------------------------------]
[ALL enter]
LISTER
Oh! Thank god we made it!
LISTER
Oh God!!
KOCHANSKI
How? *How*??
KRYTEN
I - er - I - ah - er...
KRYTEN
Oh.
KOCHANSKI
Well, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really
*terrific* sunblock cream.
KRYTEN
Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown
override.
In case... anything happened...
CAT
You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to
God
knows where and back for absolutely no reason??
LISTER
It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we
could
just walk out that door at any moment??
KRYTEN
Mm.
LISTER
Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do - but
we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron...
[Exit LISTER, CAT]
KOCHANSKI [brightly]
Well, 'night.
KRYTEN
Aren't you mad too, ma'am?
KRYTEN
You're not, are you.
KRYTEN
I think I understand: For you, the trip through the ducts was far from
pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable
insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel
enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never
thought possible.
Am I right?
KOCHANSKI
Say - 'nurieek'.
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
KRYTEN
Oof.
KOCHANSKI
Say 'rotut'.
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
KRYTEN
Ooh.
KOCHANSKI
Say 'hernunger'.
KRYTEN
Er, 'hernunger'.
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'.
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'.
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'.
KRYTEN
'Hernunger'.
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookal'.
KRYTEN
'Sqweloookal'.
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'.
KRYTEN
Oohh!
'Rotut'.
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'.
KRYTEN
Ooh! 'Nurieek'.
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'.
KRYTEN
'Hernunger'.
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookal'.
KRYTEN
'Sqweloookal'.
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'!
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
[Sound and picture begin to fade]
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'!
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'!
[--------------------------- END OF "DUCT SOUP" ---------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug
Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]
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