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Ouroboros
Series 7, Episode 3
EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.7
2-4 February, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea
[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub
----------------------------------------------------]
[A caption appears on screen:
THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL. NOVEMBER 26th, 2155]
[Enter CUSTOMER]
CUSTOMER
All right? Anyone servin' or what?
BARMAID [OOV]
With you in a minute, luv.
[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]
[FX: baby sounds]
[Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar
area]
BARMAID
'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?
CUSTOMER
Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.
BARMAID
Any note?
CUSTOMER
No, not'in'.
BARMAID
Oh!
They've written its name on the side, 'ere.
'Our Rob, or Ross'
CUSTOMER
Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a
ticket
tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.
BARMAID
Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin'
terrible, no doubt...
[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine
overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to
soak
excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and
in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while
brushing
his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER
picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls
out
an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes>
LISTER
I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.
LISTER
Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]
KRYTEN
Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night,
sir.
LISTER
Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.
KRYTEN
No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly
scrape.
LISTER
My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.
KRYTEN
Oh, I see.
LISTER
Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that
needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see -
LISTER
No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be
revolted no matter *how* you look.
LISTER
Okay.
KRYTEN
Oh my god, it's hideous!
LISTER
Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.
KRYTEN
It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
LISTER
Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.
KRYTEN
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued
together, now be careful!
KRYTEN
Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage
lockers.
LISTER
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.
KRYTEN
Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let
it
out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.
LISTER
Yeah, nice one, Kryts.
KRYTEN
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?
LISTER
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
KRYTEN
I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a
pair of driving gloves, sir.
LISTER
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've
got,
like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those
machines that shine your shoes.
KRYTEN
Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted.
Obviously
I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
LISTER
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth
and we have -
LISTER
- this.
LISTER
They don't know they're born! They don't!
LISTER
What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my
face!
[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and
dental floss arrangement]
CAT
Heyyy... nice outfit.
LISTER
Did you come in 'ere for a reason?
CAT
Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is
*weird*
with a capital 'we'.
LISTER
Can you be a tad more scientific?
CAT
Come again?
KRYTEN
Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?
CAT
At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a
fool!
Come see for yourself.
[Exit CAT]
LISTER
'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...
He's losing it, he really is.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]
KRYTEN
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the
fabric of Space-Time.
CAT
It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!
LISTER
It's almost like a tear...
KRYTEN
Perhaps a temporal rift?
CAT
I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.
LISTER
Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of
'Hello!' in a nunnery.
KRYTEN
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the
'eye
of the storm'.
LISTER
Cat -
CAT
Pshhh!
LISTER
Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.
KRYTEN
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of
subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
[-- x - Int. Starbug engineering deck
------------------------------------]
[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular
feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there
is
now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]
KRYTEN
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has
temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space
to a parallel dimension.
LISTER
Let's have a goosey...
[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]
[-- x - Int. Within the Way
-----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal
blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages
to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly
beneath the weight of their steps]
KRYTEN
Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
CAT
What the hell *is* that?
KRYTEN
'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't
seem to exist.
LISTER
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...
[-- x - Int. Within the Way
-----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]
P.LISTER
How's it going?
LISTER
You're a hologram...
P.LISTER
Hard light.
LISTER
So, in your dimension Lister died?
P.LISTER
In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
LISTER
Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?
P.LISTER
Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?
LISTER
I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I
remember...
[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf customs area --------------------------------------]
[We cut to flashback.
RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf
customs
area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was
in
series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff.
RIMMER
stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is
peering down the corridor, out of shot, and holds a recognition card
marked "Smeg head"]
[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]
RIMMER
Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.
LISTER
I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?
RIMMER
You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore
leave, Lister.
LISTER
Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've
needed
some time on my own, okay?
RIMMER
Kochanski dumped you?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
She really dumped you?
LISTER
Yes!
RIMMER
But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really
heartbroken?
LISTER
I dunno, I dunno.
RIMMER
You are, aren't you!
LISTER
Okay, yes! Yes!
RIMMER
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her:
navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay
awake
during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you?
I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate
scum, at that.
LISTER
I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up by my bootsraps,
bub.
RIMMER
Listy -
Listy -
RIMMER
Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's
someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;
someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'
instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped
to
a cement mixer.
LISTER
This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...
RIMMER
Oh, har har.
LISTER
Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just
can't
think of a witty retort.
RIMMER
[beat]
Oh, har har.
RIMMER
Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a
new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to
pressure
you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the
overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.
KOCHANSKI
Rimmer?
RIMMER
Yes, ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
Have sex with someone and that's an order.
RIMMER
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
LISTER
'Ere:
LISTER
Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.
[Exit RIMMER, flustered]
KOCHANSKI
Hi
LISTER
Mmm.
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was
cowardly.
LISTER
Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.
KOCHANSKI
It was last week...
LISTER
Was it?
KOCHANSKI
Mm-hmm.
LISTER
Must've got over it -
LISTER
- just like that.
KOCHANSKI
Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere!
LISTER
How could we? We never got out of bed.
KOCHANSKI
Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery
curries and having fantastic sex.
LISTER
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to see if we could be friends...
LISTER
Do you mean give it another go?
KOCHANSKI
No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.
LISTER
Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white
suit
and that big white floppy hat...
KOCHANSKI
He's a chef!
LISTER
Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,
smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.
KOCHANSKI
Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??
LISTER
What, cat-martialed?
KOCHANSKI
I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!
LISTER
So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months.
KOCHANSKI
Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?
LISTER
I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...
KOCHANSKI
It breaks every reg. in the manual...
[-- x - Int. Waste disposal area
-----------------------------------------]
[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy
paintwork and large industrial machinery]
KOCHANSKI
Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??
[-- x - Int. Inside the Way
----------------------------------------------]
[Cut back to present time. We are once more withing the shimming blue
linkway]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]
LISTER
So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the
crew..?
P.LISTER
Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
LISTER
So what happenned to Kochanski?
P.LISTER
They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.
LISTER
Does that mean...
[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days
on
board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer
with
his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could
be
said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is
arranged
and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red
catsuit]
KOCHANSKI
Hi.
LISTER
You look great!
KOCHANSKI
You look pretty amazing yourself...
KOCHANSKI
So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of
Dave...
LISTER
Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know?
Honed
to perfection by Time and evolution.
KOCHANSKI
I can see why you think that, yeah.
KRYTEN
Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear
self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of
that time exchanging supplies and information.
P.LISTER
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine
core?
CAT
And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't
open!
KOCHANSKI
There is *something* you could do for us...
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI
At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to
ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -
LISTER
Yeah..?
KOCHANSKI
After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -
LISTER
Yeah??
KOCHANSKI
Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already
in
there; it just needs your... contribution.
LISTER
So it worked out for you guys, then.
LISTER
Congratulations.
KRYTEN
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!
P.LISTER
Chris! Give me your hand!
LISTER
Hang on to m' feet, man!
CAT
It's gonna give!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously
hovering over her. Her eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around
LISTER and pulls him close to her]
KOCHANSKI
I thought I'd lost you!
LISTER
I think you've mistaken --
KOCHANSKI
Shh!
KOCHANSKI
You were saying?
LISTER
Forget it...
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that
you're --
LISTER
Er, not now, Kryten, man.
KRYTEN
But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that
you're --
LISTER
I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!
KRYTEN
B - Permission to speak, sir?
LISTER
Permission refused!
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...
LISTER
I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...
KRYTEN
Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!
LISTER
Were you!?
KRYTEN
If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that
yukkiness.
KOCHANSKI
Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a
woman
who's half-insensible??
LISTER
I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's
rude to talk with your mouth full.
KOCHANSKI
Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep
Space?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back!
LISTER
It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
--------------------------------------------]
[CAT present, at the helm]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI]
CAT
It's back on our tail!
LISTER
What is it?
CAT
Some Gelf battle cruiser.
KRYTEN
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.
LISTER
Oh my god, it's the missus.
KOCHANSKI
The what?
KRYTEN
Mr Lister's Gelf bride.
CAT
We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.
KOCHANSKI
He married this??
CAT
He had to.
KOCHANSKI
You mean..?
LISTER
We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!
KOCHANSKI
You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your
eyes'd
be out on stalks!
KRYTEN
Wait! They're opening comms channels -
Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,
seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-
kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-
aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.
CAT
You'll *what*, officer B-B?
KOCHANSKI
Quadrant 4-niner-2, stroke G8-7, moving across to quadrant 2 to Q4-1
stroke 9. Just, follow my co-ords.
CAT
Your cords?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, my co-ords.
CAT
You want me to follow your cords??
KOCHANSKI
Is that a problem?
CAT
Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?
KOCHANSKI
Co-ordinates...
CAT
Co-ordinates! Thank you!
KOCHANSKI
Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...
They're right on our tails.
Hold this line... keep holding... *keep* holding... lift now!
CAT
Really snazzy!
[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
-----------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[Enter KRYTEN. His general atitude and short, heavy movements, show that
he is obviously agitated about something]
KRYTEN
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of
time.
LISTER
I know. It's good, isn't it!
KRYTEN
No, sir. I don't believe it is.
LISTER
What, don't you like her?
KRYTEN
I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a...
bossy old trollop she is!
KRYTEN
She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out
to
compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!
Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram,
that's
made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.
LISTER
What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several
seconds after sex?
KRYTEN
He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for
shoes!
LISTER
Jesus...
KRYTEN
A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...
relationships...
LISTER
Eurgh!
KRYTEN
We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here,
sir.
LISTER
Where does that leave me?
KRYTEN
Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her
rightful ship.
She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!
LISTER
{Kryten, man}, are you okay?
KRYTEN
I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!
[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched,
like
he's on the verge of bursting into tears]
LISTER
Why's that so terrible?
KRYTEN
She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!
LISTER
What??
KRYTEN
I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen*
*her*
*naked*!
LISTER
So?
KRYTEN
She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...
LISTER
Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.
KRYTEN
But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her
more!
LISTER
I won't.
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won't!
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won't! I won't! I *won't*!
KRYTEN
You promise?
LISTER
I promise.
KRYTEN
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and
said
"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd
prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?
LISTER
[beat]
What kind of sheets would they be?
KRYTEN
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
LISTER
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?
KRYTEN
The green square ones.
LISTER
So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?
[beat]
Can I do final fold and stack?
KRYTEN
Absolutely.
LISTER
Well it'd be the sheets, then.
KRYTEN
Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all
inny and outy?
LISTER
It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.
KRYTEN
Really?
LISTER
Too true.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why
can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any
in-and-out bits, hardly at all.
LISTER
There's no one I care more about than you, okay!
KRYTEN
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!
LISTER
It's not gonna change.
KRYTEN
Never?
LISTER
Never.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You're lying!!
LISTER
I'm *not* lying!!
KRYTEN
Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on
the
Nova 5!
LISTER
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All
right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...
KRYTEN
But what about before that? it was the same on the SS Augustus.
LISTER
They all died of old age!
KRYTEN
You see!?!
[-- x - Model
shot-------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug Cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of
here.
KOCHANSKI
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't
re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-
magnetic phasing frequencies.
CAT
You took the words right out of my mouth!
KRYTEN
Have you tried inverting the signal?
KOCHANSKI
We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.
CAT
I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.
CAT
Hey, officer Butt-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim
drive?
Taken care of.
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section
-----------------------------------------]
[KOCHASNKI present, working at a pertable terminal]
[Enter KRYTEN. He sits at a second terminal]
KOCHANSKI [pensively]
You don't like me, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
You don't, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying
to
re-establish the linkway.
KOCHANSKI
But why --
KRYTEN
Please!
KOCHANSKI
I mean --
KRYTEN
Ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
I need to know why!
KRYTEN
Do you indeed?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
KRYTEN
Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk
around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need
the
likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching
him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
You've got big problems, you know that, don't you?
KRYTEN
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.
KOCHANSKI
Ha - Have you seen the way *you* walk??
KRYTEN
I have a perfectly sensible walk!
At least I don't walk like this:
KOCHANSKI
Phaser frequency 434 - we've got it back!
KRYTEN
What? You're right, that's it!
KOCHANSKI
I can leave!
KRYTEN
You can leave!
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section
-----------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
Champagne, everyone! if this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't
know
what does!
CAT
What are we celebrating exactly?
KRYTEN
You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!
KOCHANSKI
Thanks, Kryten...
KRYTEN
I must go and find the others.
[-- x - Int. Gantry within Starbug
--------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
This is for you.
Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.
KOCHANSKI
Wow...
LISTER
Our child...
KOCHANSKI
I'll... you know.
LISTER
I know.
KOCHANSKI
As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -
LISTER
Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up
like
me.
KOCHANSKI
What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no
explanation...
LISTER
I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I
didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came
from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or
'Ross'.
KOCHANSKI
Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.
LISTER
Yeah, I know.
[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry
railing]
KRYTEN
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay
-------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings
it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
LISTER
See ya...
KOCHANSKI
Bye.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, carrying boxes]
LISTER
What's this?
CAT
Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship.
LISTER
No, *this*
KRYTEN
Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own
tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no
beginning or end.
LISTER
What's it doing on 'ere?
KRYTEN
The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;
everlasting.
LISTER
Ourobo-what??
KRYTEN
Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.
CAT
What is it, bud?
LISTER
Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!
CAT
What was?
LISTER
The message that was written on the side of my box!
CAT
You came in a box? That explains everything.
LISTER
I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!
KRYTEN
Explain, sir!?
LISTER
The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo -
it's
me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and
leave
me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the
box
to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my
mum!
CAT
You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get
printed.
LISTER
I've gotta get that test tube back.
[Exit LISTER]
[-- x - Int. The Way
----------------------------------------------------]
[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]
LISTER
Mum! Wait!
KOCHANSKI
What?
LISTER
I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!
[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]
KOCHANSKI
It's what??
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
The Gelfs are back!
LISTER
What are you doing?
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna jump!
CAT
You'll never make it!
LISTER
Chris, no!!
P.LISTER
Christine!!
KRYTEN
We've lost her, sir.
LISTER
No.
No!
P.LISTER
Christine!!
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Hi, it's me.
LISTER
Hi -
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Save my life, okay?
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay
-------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids
off containers as quickly as possible]
LISTER
Cargo bay; looking now!
LISTER
What's this??
KRYTEN
It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
LISTER
A crossbow?
KRYTEN
I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!
CAT
Rope?
LISTER
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[LISTER sprints OOV]
[-- x - Int. The Way
----------------------------------------------------]
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Aaarg!
KOCHANSKI
Bastard!
KRYTEN
It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've
gone all mushy on you.
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.
KRYTEN
It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...
[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]
KRYTEN
We're *stuck* with you!
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna try, *anyway*.
KRYTEN
Oh, ma'am -
KOCHANSKI
Yes, Kryten?
KRYTEN
Welcome aboard...
KOCHANSKI
Thanks, Kryten.
[-- x - Int. An empty pub
------------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in
blankets]
LISTER
For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you
*weren't*,
man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With
us
going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.
We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.
I'll see ya, son.
[Exit LISTER]
[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS"
---------------------------]
Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this
episode! Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they
were
pushed for time... =)
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug
Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments,
criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]