And Now For Something Completely Predictable... Monty Python Quotes

HOST: Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
GIT: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.
JOHN: Oh... yes, yes.
GIT: We did think once of having it changed be deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?

London 1895... The residence of Mr Oscar Wilde

(In WILDE's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne)
PRINCE OF WALES: My congratulations, Wilde. You latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.
OSCAR: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that it not being talked about.
(There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter)
PRINCE: Very very witty... very very witty.
WHISTLER: There's only one thing in the world worse than being witty and that is not being witty.
(Fifteen seconds more of the same)
OSCAR: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
(More laughter)
OSCAR: Your majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
PRINCE: Yes, we've played squash together.
OSCAR: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself.
(Silence)
I wish I hadn't said that.
WHISTLER: You did, Oscar, you did.
(A little laughter)
PRINCE: I've got to get back up the palace.
OSCAR: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
PRINCE: I beg your pardon?
OSCAR: Um... it was one of Whistler's.
WHISTLER: I never said that.
OSCAR: You did, James, you did.
(The PRINCE OF WALES stares expectantly at WHISTLER)
WHISTLER: ... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure... and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
(Laughter)
Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
PRINCE: What?!?
WHISTLER: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
OSCAR: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
SHAW: I... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
PRINCE (accepting the compliment): Oh.
OSCAR (To WHISTLER): Right.
(To PRINCE)Your majesty is like a dose of clap. Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
PRINCE (Loudly): WHAT?
WHISTLER and OSCAR: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
SHAW: You bastards. Um... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant...
OSCAR: We've got him, Jim.
WHISTLER and OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
SHAW: I merely meant...
OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
WHISTLER: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
SHAW: (Blows raspberry)
(The PRINCE shakes SHAW's hand. Laughter all around)

The Butcher Shop

GENT: Good morning. I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.
BUTCHER: Don't come here with all that posh talk you nasty, stuck-up twit.
GENT: I beg your pardon?
BUTCHER: A chicken, sir. Certainly.
GENT: Thank you. And how much does that work out to per pound, my good fellow?
BUTCHER: Per pound, you slimy trollope, what kind of a ponce are you?
GENT: I'm sorry?
BUTCHER: 4/6 a pound, sir, nice and ready for roasting.
GENT: I see, and I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.
BUTCHER: Use your own, you great poovy po-nagger!
GENT: What?
BUTCHER: Ah, certainly sir, some stuffing.
GENT: Oh, thank you.
BUTCHER: 'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta.
GENT: I beg your pardon?
BUTCHER: That's all right, sir, call again.
GENT: Excuse me.
BUTCHER: What is it now, you great pillock?
GENT: Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately.
BUTCHER: I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir.
GENT: That's all right. It doesn't really matter.
BUTCHER: Tough titty if it did, you nasty spotted prancer.

The Undertaker's Sketch

UNDERTAKER: Morning.
MAN: Good morning.
UNDERTAKER: What can I do for you, squire?
MAN: Well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
UNDERTAKER: Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
MAN: (shocked) Dump her?
UNDERTAKER: Dump her in the Thames.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Oh, did you like her?
MAN: Yes!
UNDERTAKER: oh well, we won't dump her then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
MAN: Well, which do you recommend?
UNDERTAKER: Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her she gets stuffed in the flames... crackle crackle crackle... which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. And then we give you a handful of ashes, which you can pretend were hers.
MAN: Oh.
UNDERTAKER: Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up by lots of weevils and nasty maggots, which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
MAN: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
UNDERTAKER: Where is she?
MAN: She's in this sack.
UNDERTAKER: Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
MAN: Yes, yes, she was.
UNDERTAKER (calling): Fred!
FRED'S VOICE: Yeah?
UNDERTAKER: I think we've got an eater.
MAN: What?!?
FRED (peeking head round the door): Right, I'll get the oven on.(goes off)
MAN: Er, excuse me, um.... are you suggesting eating my mother?
UNDERTAKER: Er... yeah, not raw. Cooked.
MAN: What?
UNDERTAKER: Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce...
MAN: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
UNDERTAKER: Great!
MAN: Can we have some parsnips?
UNDERTAKER (calling): Fred... get some parsnips.
MAN: I really don't think I should.
UNDERTAKER: Look, tell you what.... we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.

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