GOOD AND BAD NEWS
In a surgical recovery room, a patient
comes to after a serious amputation of his leg. The doctor enters and says, "I have
some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?"
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "I am terribly sorry. We amputated the wrong leg!"
The man says, "OH MY GOSH!!! What could be good news after that?"
The doctor says, "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!"
TOILET PROBLEM
Three
old men were sitting around the old folks home talking about their problems. One old man
says, every morning I have to get up and stand in front of the toilet for about twenty
minutes before anything finally decides to come out. The second man says that's nothing.
Every morning I sit on the toilet for an hour trying to have a bowel movement. The third
man says thats nothing every morning at six o'clock I urinate and at seven o'clock I have
a bowel movement. The two men looked at each other and say, so what's the problem! He
says, I don't wake up till eight.
VACATION
"I just
won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"
"Who cares? Just get out."
DEADMAN WALKING
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom." He looked towards the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."
MACDONALD's FARM
Two
football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an
important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the big game the
following week. The exam was "fill in the blanks" and the last
question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea
what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the
shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny
laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba
and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a
FARM."
"Oh yeah," said
Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the
answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb,
Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."
Jokes from Mailbits.com and www.stupid.com
