dope kutts: BOOM -Royce 5'9

later in tha day: SMALLVILLE is hella tight! the season finale..dennggg..i liked it except the ending was hella dumb. stupid ass clark..so anyways.. ALOT OF THINGS CAN CHANGE WITHIN 24 HOURS ..i told someone to just stop hiding behind the bushes and lay it on tha table..i wasnt prepared to hear what i heard. now everything is just HELLA WEIRD and AKWARD. I HATE YOU for tellin me that! YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST LIED! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?! hella gross! i was just playin around too when i told that person to just say it.. ever been in a situation where someone tells you something that you werent really expecting and it just feels so freakin weird?? HOW DO YOU TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY DONT WANNA HEAR? help me..

umm..im..in that mood..for some reason..i cant help this feelin..but..i fuckin miss aris so much..it hurts me that im not with him..why the hell am i feelin like this?!..fuck. i just spoke with clement too and told him i was doin great.. I WAS..NO I AM.. ..what the fuck is wrong with me? i wanna cry..i havent cried in a week..and now i wanna cry? i hate this..why is he doin great while i have these mood swings? i dont care if you're reading this aris..IM HURTING.. fuck it..i need to go out..i dont even know why im feelin like this all of a sudden.

[posted @ 10:51PM]

today: i love this week! the weather is hella nice! wish i could go out and enjoy the weather but i gotta go to work. right now im bumpin to the music honest expression. i swear this song is hella dope! they flo about life and just lay it on the table. it aint those rap songs where they talk about sex, drugs, and hardcore shit. dope kutts guys. anywayss, for some reason i always wake up around 9AM even if i get 5 hours of sleep or less...ahhh!! im hella bored. im just tryin to pass time til i gotta leave for work. umm..yesterday i kicked it with aris..we're on good terms. im glad that at least we're still talkin to each other even though we're not together ya know? i hella appreciate his friendship. it's not like one of those break-ups where there is so communication at all, so im happy...ill blog later i guess..

thoughts: 19 more days til i go on a cruise! it'll be hella fun! hahah! everyone is pullin through so im excited about that.

[posted @ 10:42AM]

dope kutts: all i need -natalise

today: my car looks dope..hella clean inside and out..i mean HELLAAA clean. it took me 2 1/2 hours to get my car as clean as possible. when i clean, I CLEAN! by the time i was finished, the sun was setting...changing the subject..GUESS WHAT!! im goin on a CRUISE from June 9 thru June 13!! woohooo!! im going to Baja Mexico..stoppin at Catalina and someplace else. im hella excited..its going to be so much fun cuz some of my homies are comming along as well as my sister and her boy. dengg, i cant wait!! my work schedule for tha next two weeks are tight. i only work on tuesdays and saturdays..yesss!!

My Friday got hella ruined! im not going to say names cuz its done and over with and im not mad anymore.. but i was having a good time wit my friends from san jose and my homeboy that i picked up told me he had to go home..i was his only ride and i had to drive so far and in traffic! everyone was like,"aww..sheen..come back..thats hella fucked up *name of person*..u shoudlve told her you had plans.." i wanted to head back to san jose after i dropped my friend off, but it was TRAFFIC HOUR and it was so congested that i said,"fuck it..im goin home!" next time..actually there will NEVER be a next time cuz im soo freakin nice to pick his ass up from Daly City and he doesnt even say THANKS or ANYTHING. how ungreatful..i aint no damn shaufer!

thoughts: im bored and extremely tired. this whole week ive been sleepin @ 4AM..i need to REST! maybe ill sleep early..yaw? negative..

[posted @ 11:49PM]

dope kutts: honest expression -binary star

today: you guys gotta dl that song. its tight. anyways, lets see..today i worked @ 12-6:30PM and it was hella dead. today was payday for me though woohoo! then i went shoppin and bought two black tops to match my coach shoes. OH! soo..my plans for next week got canceled cuz my co-worker "got fired" and she was supposed to cover my shifts. but.. i got tha 28th, 29th, and 30th off so thas wussup..
update on how im doin..im actually doin alright guys. i have my moments though where i get stuck and i just think. at least i dont cry anymore ya know? i also wanna say thanks to all of those whos been there for me especially when i was so vulnerable and whenever i was hella cryin. you guys know who you are. i hella appreciate it and thas freals. yalls helped me to be strong. damn, you guys just dont know how much im thankful..oh and this goes out to rox: "hey wussup! (*muah* kiss cheek tah cheek). INSIDE JOKE!! hahah rox!! KOO-KA-ROO!! umm..tomorrows plans..im kickin it wit mah homies from tha south bay. it'll be a chill mode tomorrow cuz we dont wanna spend on shit we dont really need.

thoughts: u tell me that u fear that we might fall out of love, but im here to tell you that my love is way too strong to even be scared of that. itll be YOU who will fall out of love with me..and maybe love doesnt deserve a third chance if it happens. my FEAR is LOSING YOU. "just dont say it..PROVE IT.."

[posted @ 9:24PM]

thats me, my sister linds, and her boyfriend jomie. they're hella coo. i love them. they slept over this weekend to keep me company. plus they were too tired to drive back to san jose saturday night..

[posted @ 11:22PM]

random shiet: whatever happened to mah nigguhs B1 and B2..woohahahahah!! c'mon yalls gotta remember BANANAS IN PAJAMAS!! damn, im hella laughin. "Bananas in pajamas, are coming down the stairs. Bananas in pajamas are coming down in pairs.." oh man!! hahahahahah!! wut the hell happened to them anyways? you could tell im hella bored. its 12:51AM and i aint even sleepy. i drank White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks so im kinda hyper and hella happy..weeeee!! me and my freakin emotions. it goes up and down like a yo-yo. im conversating wit t-gurl on tha phone. im off wed, thurs, fri in 2 weeks and we're plannin on goin somewhere. sneaky sneaky..peace out!!

ALSO:

i bought coach shoes..i think they're tight. its tha black and gray ones. watch someone try to jack me for my shoes and shit lol. that aint funny though cuz imma be "shoeless" haha..

[posted @ 1:21AM]

thoughts: aris.. i just want you to know that i still love you so much. I'D RATHER TAKE MY CHANCES WITH YOU THAN WITH ANYBODY ELSE. you mean so much to me, you just dont know. im just torn between two decisions...

"ANYTHING":
I talk to you everyday and it hurts/To know that you are not mine/I hope that you will someday learn/That in me love is what you'll find/I'd do most anything for you to be here with me/Cant you see i'd do most anything/So I could feel you hold me, and touch me/It's hard to show you how I feel/I'd save all my love for you/'Cuz I know we could be for real/Just tell me what I have to do..

I hope you know that im goin through mixed emotions, but i'm definite on how much i love you.

today: after work, i went out wit tha same people that i went out wit yesterday, except isaac didnt come and we went to Burlingame and kicked it at Burlingame Avenue. we ate at Crepevine and tha food is hella good there. i ordered a ceasar salad and a strawberry crepe and i thought it was gonna be a small serving, but when i got my order..HELLA BIG ASS PLATES!! I felt like a pig and everyone was like,"god dayum sheen!!" HAHAH!! LOL!! oink oink!! the server came wit two big ass plates and was like,"ceasar salad?" and i was like,"thats me..thanks!" and then he said,"strawberry crepe?" he was lookin at everyone except me and i was like,"thats me again." HAHAHAHAH!! everyone started crackin up. *hMph* SO! then we went to tower records and i bought Lil Kim's CD and Natalise's CD. LOVE IT!!

more thoughts: "SOMETIMES":
Dont look at me that way/There's nothing else to say/The fire we had is gone/And the road's been far too long/Hush now, I know what you're gonna say/Things seem so different now, dont they?/Now there's no point in taking guesses/Sometimes love shouldnt have second chances/Love is not black and white/Sometimes our days become gray nights/Sometimes we fear that we'll turn cold/And sometimes thats just the way, thats the way love goes/Empty days and lonely nights/Please dont put up a fight/ I'm not yours anymore/ 'Cuz we've both changed at the core


thoughts: time is making me stronger and im doin ok. im recovering slowly, and im taking one day at a time. im proud of myself..

yesterday: i had hella fun yesterday!destination @ 9AM: Daly City..picked up Isaac, went to Macy*s to pay my mom's bill, then ate breakfast at Serramonte. Next stop: San Jose. I call Trishelle to tell her we're pickin her up, and while i was driving my homeboy Jay calls and tells me hes livin at San Jose now. After picking up Trish, we head to Jay's place and his ass was laggin so we had to kill time. We kicked it outside of his apartment. Hes hella lucky cuz hes livin on his own with his 2 sisters and no PARENTS! by the time he got out it was 12 somethin. destination: FREMONT. I drove across Dumbarton Bridge and headed to BART to pick up Isaac's woman. Me, Trish, and Jay were makin fun of Isaac askin him if hes excited and if he has them butterflies and we started poking him hahah! We thought she wasnt goin to show up but she eventually did. we felt hella dumb just standing there. After that Trish calls her ppl up and we meet them at Newpark Mall. Its hella funny cuz Jay would be thinkin about something, then hed give me this weird look..and then we both start to hella laugh and I hella know what hes thinkin. Everyone thought we were trippin..i just knew what he was thinkin cuz it was hella obvious. Trish wanted to diss her friends cuz they were acting hella immature so we split and drove to Logan High School to drop off Isaac's gurl. Isaac just left us and went somewhere with his gurl and so us three kicked it at the parking lot. we talked about life in general and hella joked around. took hella long till Isaac came back and i was gettin hella mad. After that we went to Great Mall to watch X-Men part 2. i had to drive back to Daly city, then back to San Jo and by the time i got home it was 11:45PM. that was my day. it was fun, but im NEVER driving so much again! haha!

thoughts: i dunno. i cant really say much today. im not gonna lie..i miss him so much. it just doesnt go away just like that..i could try to stay busy every day and go out with friends, but its only me pretending to ignore what im really feelin inside.

today: i woke up. took a shower. got ready for school. sat down on my bed...and it hit me. i began to break down and cry so much.

thoughts: i thought i was actually feeling a little better. it surprised me that i was hella crying. i even cried driving to school. its killin me. i guess something just hit me all of a sudden. the best way to describe how im feelin today is tha song by Frankie J., "dont wanna try":
i cant believe u had the nerve to say the things u said
they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship
i cant believe it ..3 years go down the drain
oh how i wish things would of happened so differently
i tryd to save it so many times but you still couldnt see
u kept insistin and resistin that u would not fall again

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I DONT WANNA TRY ANYMORE..im hurting and i just want it to go away.

today: im hurting so much. i cant stop crying. i love him. each day lingers on and the more i seem to breakdown. i miss him. i cant stop thinking about him. i cant grasp the fact that its over and why it happened. its so hard. my chest hurts. a big bulk in my throat keeps me holding back my tears, but a single tear always seems to escape and it happens.. i cry and cry and i dont care if anyone sees my pain. hes the only one i want. i wish he can tell me the same. hes tha only one that can make it better. i love him so much. im hurt emotionally. its so hard for me to be strong. i know what i want. and its him. but im scared to get hurt another time. so many ppl can give adivce. i have the choice to use it or just not follow it at all. it all comes down to me.

dope kutts: Where do we go from here -Brian McKnight
The Lyrics

today: im still in love. i tell myself to be strong, yet why do these tears keep commin down. i always ask why, why, why, but it only brings me sadness. im confused and sad. I WILL SURVIVE. time will heal me. im just so lonely, but I WILL SURVIVE. i always think, are you missing me as much as i hella miss you? are you hurting as much as im hurting? do you think of me as much as i think of you? do u cry inside as much as i cry inside? when you're alone, do you breakdown as much as i breakdown? i just gotta be strong. i dont want to hurt anymore. im puttin up a front acting like im STRONG. im hiding behind a mask, but in reality im not OK. something is missin in my life and its YOU. things were left unsaid and i just want to let you know that you really are MY BEST FRIEND. take care aris, promise.