Team Hoohas Home Page

The Official Home Page of Team HooHas, aka the Malloy Mashers, aka Pantalones Caliente:
The South Bay's most feared slow pitch softball team

Pictures

Goddamn you, Sloth from Goonies!

Team HooHas Awarded First Victory Thanks to Some Dumbass at the Rec Center, Then Are Stripped of Said Victory By an Even Bigger Dumbass With Nothing to do but Monitor Softball Standings

Hermosa Beach -- (AP) Team HooHas, on the verge of achieving athletic futility previously known only to the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club and "The Kickers", my first soccer team,, were awarded a victory in the first officially sanctioned Hermosa Beach Men's Slowpitch Softball League standings. Elation gave way to pandemonium, as nut tight HooHas baseball pants had to be laundered mid-week, and the HooHas' fan rioted in the McMansion apartment complex, causing major structural damage and lost Honey Nut Cheerios. HooHas team members were dumbfounded but generally pleased with the phantom victory. Team member Clay Hix was heard to remark, "This is going to get me laid for sure. It's gonna be soooo easy now that we've won a game. All I gotta do is import a mail order bride from Chechnya and take her to Vegas for the weekend." Hix was shockingly absent from the next HooHas game. Alas, the celebration was short-lived, as an anonymous tip came in from one of the opposing teams that "there is absolutely no way in hell that the HooHas could have possibly won a game". League officals won't reveal the identity of the tipster, but HooHas coach Brian Little has officially sanctioned the severe beating of the entire Prank Monkey squad, just to be safe.

HooHas Lose Anoth.....do I really have to write this out? I'm pretty sure you know what the fuck happened.

Hermosa Beach -- (AP) Team HooHas, hoping to ride the momentum of briefly losing the goose egg in the "W" column (see sidebar), came out of the gates strong this weekend, jumping out to a 3-5 quasi-lead* after one inning. On the strength of a home run (some might have called it a single and a three base error, this publication chooses the term home run) by Scott Ferguson, and the masterful pitching of Chris Gerardi, the HooHas actually looked competitive for an inning. Gerardi, pitching around the dickhead ringer that plays against us every week and looks like Sloth from the Goonies, surrendered just 94 hits in 5 innings. Sloth got a handful of hits, but was shut down by Hans "The Gunt" Doyle on a beautiful grab from the first base position. Technically speaking, The Gunt was playing closer to right field than first, but technically speaking he was lucky to be on the field at all. Coach Little briefly entertained the idea of benching The Gunt for breaking unspecified "courting on game day" rules. The HooHas' "run producing offense", as labeled by outfielder, team chef, and fatty John Moshy, was unable to manufacture any runs after the first, leaving runners stranded in every inning in which they did not go three up, three down. From his unfortunate position, lodged between an ill and increasingly revolting umpire and the harrasment of the Ferraro Bros hitters, catcher Keegan "The Big Hurt" Riley could be heard mumbling something about breaking his season long slump, and planning a witty retort for his teammates when they would inevitably ask if he "wanted to have somebody fast run for him". Sadly, First baseman Tony Knopp stole his thunder when he doubled and was promptly asked to relinquish his coveted on-base position for a pinch runner. Knopp replied "Fuck Off! No!", and Riley thought to himself, "Not so witty, but effective nonetheless". Paid attendance at the game was 1, as team members have actually begun to go out of their way to lie to any potential fans inquiring about start times. The only question that remains in the HooHas' season is whether ARoss will officially come out of the closet and stop this charade, even faced with the irrefutable proof of his homosexuality (see link).

*Quasi-lead: (n) The proper term for the state of a HooHas score anytime they are losing by a single digit number.