I'm not talking computer viruses, either. The diseases
I'm referring to are suffered by internet users themselves. These diseases
can cause great distress to the sufferer, and extreme annoyance to all
other net surfers. And so, in the interest of online health, here is a
list of the most common internet diseases. If you think you may suffer
from one or more of these dysfunction, GET HELP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET HELP
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Excessive Punctuation Syndrome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Symptoms- Overuse of any form of punctuation,
usually the !, ?, or . keys, e.g.. 'Hey!!!!!!! I use a lot of exclamation
marks!!!!!! Don't you think so????????? Really.........' Other punctuation
marks may also be overused, but this strain of the disease is less common.
Cure- Often, this disease is caused by a voodoo
curse. Sacrificing a black cockerel on the eve of the new moon is often
enough to cure the disease. Sometimes, a full voodoo ceremony spoken in
swahili, complete with silly headdresses, is necessary.
Letta Subztitution Syndrome
Symptoms- Substituting strange letters into words,
commonly k, a, and z, e.g.. 'Thiz is so kewl! Dozen't matta!'
Cure- A stint in kindergarten may be enough to
correct the spelling of many sufferers. Sometimes, full brainwashing is
necessary. In the most extreme cases, much of the brain must be removed,
although this usually makes very little difference to the sufferer.
CoMpUlSiVe ShIfT kEy DiSoRdEr
Symptoms- Compulsive use of the shift key, resulting
in a mixture of higher and lower case within a word, e.g.. 'I lIkE tO uSe
ThE sHiFt KeY!' This disorder also has the ability to render a person's
type almost unbearably irritating.
Cure- Trained ducks may be used to complete all
typing tasks. Due to the structure of their feet, they are unable to use
the shift key. Also, they are quite intelligent. I paid a duck to write
my last university essay. My lecturer was very impressed with the inventive
uses of the word 'Quack'.
Unbearably Cute Animations Disorder
Symptoms- This disease is particularly rife in
female web page owners (although males to occasionally suffer from it).
They feel compelled to include large amounts of unbearably cute animations
to their sites, e.g..
CONSTANT 'SHOUTING' SYNDROME
Symptoms- Constantly typing with the Caps Lock
key on, which gives the impression of 'shouting', e.g.. 'HI! I WENT TO
THE SHOP TODAY TO BUY SOME MILK. I ALSO GOT A LOAF OF BREAD, AND SOME CHEESE!'
This constant 'shouting' makes the person seem aggressive/attention seeking/irritating/just
plain stupid.
Cure- Immersing the patient in a mixture of flour,
water, eggs, vanilla essence, and icing mix is a common treatment. It usually
doesn't work, but when scraped from the person's body, it makes a terrific
cake!