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Life in limbo is certainly not the end all, be all of existance that I thought it would be.
When I saw that fucking awful THING in the sky, I knew my life was over. I heard of of the guys we brought in from the desert cry out something about the hand of God, and I knew then that it was all over.
I've often wondered about that moment since then. I should have listened to Whitney. I knew people were leaving. But I had enough faith that Flagg would deliver the goods and we'd see their balls hanging from a cruicifix, as well as the rest of them. Sure, I knew it was going bad. But I never thought it would go THAT bad.
I see shapes around me, there and yet not there. Voices too... I can't sleep, can't eat, can't breathe, can't jerk off (SHIT, where's my body!), and I know deep inside myself that much of this shit is my fault.
I'm aware of other people around me, but I can't talk to them. The weird thing is I pass fucking THROUGH them, man! I can taste them, and yet, I have no sense of taste! What I wouldn't give for a good blast of vodka right about now. Or some of that dynamite weed Polk and I scored from Gorgeous George. SOMETHING, man, to get rid of this nothingness, this waiting that just won't end.
I know in my heart that eventually I will leave just like the rest of these sorry sacks of shit have left. You get a feel for some of the beings around you... spirits my mom would have called them. I just know they're fucking there! But you get used to one of them being there, and then they are gone... you don't know when they left, you just know!
I guess I should try praying or something. That or begging for forgiveness. But I get the feeling that won't help me one fucking little bit. I think the decision was made, as sure as I ended up stuck in that jail gnawing on that damn rat's tail.
Wait... I think I see a light. It's cold here, all of a sudden. The kind of cold you know you can't warm up from, too!
I'm starting to feel things again... and no, it's not pleasant. Suddenly now, I want the solitude of nothingness compared to this!
Pain! Anger! Torture! Resignation! ALL at once! FUCK man, get me out of here!
Pray for me, okay pal! I know you liked reading about me. So have some pity, will ya for fuck's sake?
PLEASE!!!???
Oh shit. The MAN is here! The master of the house! AND IS THAT FUCKER PISSED OFF!
Gotta go now, got no time to think about this shit anymore. It's all I can do to keep my mind straight... but I have a feeling it too will finally bend.
Oh GOD! HELP ME!
Lloyd Henreid
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