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Home -- Voice Bio -- Transcripts -- Quotes |
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DE-ZANITISED |
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Written By:
Paul Rugg |
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(Fade in shot of
the psychiatry building, Scratchy is on the patient couch.) |
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Scratchy: |
I
suppose it would be wise to start at the very beginning,
ya? |
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Psychiatrist: |
Proceed. |
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Scratchy
(Voice over): |
(Sigh)
I was one of the most successful psycho-analysts in all
of Hollywood. |
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Flashback |
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Ralph: |
Uh,
good morning, Mr. Biggest Star In Hollywood. |
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H.
Bogart: |
G'morning,
sweetheart. |
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Ralph: |
Duh,
g'morning, Porky. |
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Porky:
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G, g,
g, g, g, mor, mor, uh, mor, mor (Car horn sounds from
behind him) (Yells at driver:) All right! All right! (To Ralph:) Hello. (Drives on) |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
And
when zee stars had a problem, they came to me. |
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(Fade
in: Scratchy, who has a full head of hair, is listening
to one of his patients) |
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Scratchy: |
So,
tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr.
Reagan. |
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Reagan: |
Well,
in my dreams, I'm president of the United States. |
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(Scratchy
smiles, then thinks about it and scribbles something on
his notepad. Notepad reads: |
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"Delusions
of grandeur |
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Incurable." |
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Scratchy
underlines in "incurable".) |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
For
years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their
secrets, their pain. Hoo! It was so much fun! And then,
just recently, I had just finished a delightfully intense
session with Clint Eastwood. (Scratchy, who was evidently been thrown
against the wall, falls forward onto the floor). Zen... (gulp) it
happened. |
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(There
is commotion coming from outside and people are screaming.
The Warners are leaning out of the water tower door,
waving and blowing kisses to the crowd.) |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
It
was zem - The Warner Brothers! Years of being locked away
in the water tower... they'd managed to escape. |
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(Yakko,
Wakko and Dot jump down from the water tower, and run up
the wall of the building to Scratchy's window.) |
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Dot: |
Did
ya' miss us?!! |
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Scratchy: |
I
hardly even know you. |
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Yakko
&
Wakko: |
We're
the Warner Brothers! |
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Dot: |
And
the Warner Sister! |
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(The
Warners all kiss Scratchy, who gags and spits feverously) |
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(Scratchy
turns to leave, and the Warners have appeared in front of
him.) |
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Scratchy: |
Argh!
What do you want?! |
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Yakko: |
We
asked you first... |
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Scratchy: |
Well,
I want... uch, no, you didn't! |
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Dot: |
Well,
we meant to. |
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Scratchy: |
Do
you know who I am?! |
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(The
Warners appear behind their jeopardy (sorry - gyparody
<g>) podiums. They all attempt to ring their
buzzers, but Yakko buzzes in first) |
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Yakko: |
Dr.
Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psycho-analyst to the
stars? |
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Scratchy: |
Correct. |
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Yakko: |
I won!
I won! (Jumps
into Scratchy's arms and cling to him) What did I win?! |
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Scratchy: |
Nothing. |
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Yakko: |
Say,
what kind of gameshow is this?! |
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Scratchy: |
This
isn't a gameshow! |
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Yakko: |
I'll
say it isn't! Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be
on the air for one week! |
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Scratchy: |
(Agitated) Nurse! Nurse! |
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Hello
Nurse: |
Yes,
Dr. Scratchansniff? |
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(Yakko
and Wakko pant at the sight of her) |
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Scratchy: |
Get
these kids out of here! |
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Yakko
&
Wakko: |
(Faces
turn wolf-like) Hellooooooo Nurse! |
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(Dot
slaps a hand to her forehead, embarrassed at her brothers'
behaviourvision. Yakko . Hello Nurse appears in a heart-shaped
sighs and envisions riding off with her on horseback.
Wakko sighs and envisions driving off with her in a car.
Dot looks confusedrowing her in a , and her dream
consists of Scratchy boat, while she sits under a parasol.) |
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Dot: |
(Makes
a face)
Deeee-sgusting! |
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Hello
Nurse: |
(At
the door) Why don't you cute little kids follow me? |
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(Yakko
and Wakko drift after her, walking on air (literally!),
with their tongues hanging out. Dot walks behind them
normally, looking a little nonplussed.) |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
After
zee Warners escaped, I was called in to see the Chairman
of the Board of the Warner Brothers studio. |
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(Scratchy
sits down at the end of a long table. Plotzi's hand
reaches in from off-screen and presses a button. The
curtains (drapes) are closed mechanically and Mr. Plotz
smiles at Scratchy... then he explodes:) |
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Mr.
Plotz: |
The
Warner Brothers are wrecking havoc throughout the studio,
Scratchansniff! And I won't have it! (Begins walking the
length of the table towards Scratchy) In order for a studio to
run efficiently, there must be order... calmness...
control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and
replaced it with chaos! They're too zany, Scratchansniff!
I haven't been this upset since we made, "Don't Tell
Mom, The Babysitter's Dead"!! And I have chosen YOU
to get the Warner Brothers under control. |
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Scratchy: |
Why
me? |
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Mr.
Plotz: |
Because
you're a psychiatrist... dummy. |
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Scratchy: |
Oh. |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
And
so, I scheduled an appointment with zee Warner Brothers.
I'll never forget our first session. |
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(Outside
Scratchy's office, a beating drum can be heard. This
turns out to be Wakko, who is marching behind Hello Nurse,
and beating in time with her step. Yakko and Dot march
behind him.) |
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(Scratchy
turns to his door, and Hello Nurse is now standing there.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot slide in, in front of her.) |
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Hello
Nurse: |
The
Warner Brothers are here for their three o'clock
appointment. (She
leans down to meet Yakko and Wakko's height, and address
them directly. They start drooling again.) You be good little boys. |
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(Yakko
and Wakko sigh dreamily, and then fall over. Hello Nurse
leaves, and they are left staring after her... at the
door. Their ears get tangled together, and their tongues
fall to the ground. Dot walks over them, pulls on their
tongues, and they spring back into Yakko and Wakko's
mouths.) |
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Dot: |
Boys! |
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(Yakko
and Wakko, who have now woken up, leap into Scratchy's
arms) |
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Yakko: |
How
ya' doin', Scratchy? |
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Scratchy: |
I
take umbrage at that. |
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Yakko: |
Oh,
sure (!), take all the umbrage! Don't leave any for us.
(!) |
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Scratchy: |
No, I
mean I take offence! |
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Yakko: |
And
you want our fence too? (Pulls in a fence from off-screen) All right. Take it. But
that's all... we're tapped out. (Warners give the fence
to Scratchy.) |
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Scratchy: |
I
think it's time we got down to business, ya? |
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(Yakko,
Wakko and Dot are dressed in suits, in front of a graph
and dancing to music. Yakko starts rapping:) |
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Yakko: |
Now,
our first quarter figures are re-ally low! |
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As
this, uh, bus-iness graph will hopefully show! |
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Scratchy: |
Vhat
are you doing? |
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Yakko: |
We're
gettin' DOWN... to business! |
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Scratchy: |
You
always make the jokes! This is not good. No more jokes,
ya? |
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(Yakko
nods, Wakko and Dot shake their heads) |
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Scratchy: |
...Ya...
good. Now, plant yourselves on the couch there. |
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(Yakko,
Wakko and Dot transform into seeds and land on the couch,
where they grow into flowers) |
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Scratchy: |
I
said... "no more jokes"... |
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Yakko: |
This
isn't a joke... it's a 'visual gag'. |
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Scratchy: |
Well,
no more gags... jokes... or monkey stuff. |
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Yakko: |
(Raises
his hand)
Define 'monkey stuff'. |
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Scratchy: |
The
monkey stuff! The monkey stuff! (Starts acting like a
monkey)
You know, you walk around like a silly monkey/ Ooh, ooh,
ooh, aah, aah, aah! And you be all goofy like a monkey.
That is the monkey stuff. |
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(Yakko,
Wakko and Dot look confused, and stare blankly at the
camera) |
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Wakko: |
...Maybe
you should see a p-sychiatrist. |
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Scratchy: |
I AM
a p-sych... I mean a psychiatrist! Uch! |
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(Scratchy
paces the floor, thinking. Yakko, Wakko and Dot copy his
posture and follow him around the room... then follow him
with an Egyptian walk... then dressed as British
explorers.) |
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Scratchy: |
(Snaps
his fingers) Ah! I know what you kids want, ya! You want
to talk to Mr. Puppethead! |
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(Scratchy
brings out a puppet that looks exactly like him.) |
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Mr.
Puppethead: |
Hello
kids! I'm Mr. Puppethead. Tell me why you always make the
jokes. |
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(Scratchy
brings Mr. Puppethead closer to the Warners... They just
look at Scratchy like he's insane.) |
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Scratchy: |
Why
aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it's...
it's very easy! Watch me, watch me... Hello, Mr.
Puppethead! How are you? |
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Mr.
Puppethead: |
I am
fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? |
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Scratchy: |
I am
fine, Mr. Puppethead... (Yakko, Wakko and Dot look bemused.
Wakko smacks his lips together) Did you have a yummy
breakfast? |
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Mr.
Puppethead: |
Oh,
yes, yes. very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? |
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Scratchy: |
My
breakfast was yummy as well. (To Warners:) Now, you see? Isn't that
easy? |
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Yakko: |
...Um...
are you sure you don't wanna see a p-sychiatrist? |
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Scratchy: |
I AM
a p-sych... I mean "psychiatrist!" (Starts pulling his hair
out, with the puppet still on his hand) I am, I am, I am, I am! |
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Yakko: |
Mr.
Puppethead's hungry. |
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Scratchy
(VO): |
After
much research, I decided to meet with each Warner Brother
individually. I would start with the Warner Brother
Sister, Dot. |
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(Fade
to Dot in a chair, looking around. Scratchy is trying to
talk to her) |
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Scratchy: |
Dot...
May I call you "Dot"? |
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Dot: |
Yeah...
but call me "Dotty"... and ya' die. |
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Scratchy: |
(Nervous
laugh)
"Dot" it is. Ahem. Now, I'm going to show you
some pictures, and I want you to tell me what they look
like. (Holds
up an inkblot) What do you say to this? |
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Dot: |
I'd
say you're not a very good artist. |
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Scratchy: |
I
didn't draw that. |
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Dot: |
Well,
whoever did needs to go back to school. |
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Scratchy: |
No,
it's an inkblot. |
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Dot: |
I'll
say! |
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Scratchy: |
No,
no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything. |
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Dot: |
Then
you did a very good job. |
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Scratchy: |
I
didn't draw it!... Doesn't it look like a little kitty
cat or a butterfly, or something? |
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Dot: |
No. (Dot pulls the inkblot
off the page and moulds it into a butterfly) *That's* a
butterfly. |
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(The
butterfly flies off, and Dot chases it with a net... both
of which eventually end up on Scratchy's head) |
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(Fade
in: Wakko lying on the couch, Scratchy sitting on a chair
next to him.) |
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Scratchy: |
Now
then, Wakko. What say you and I talk, hmm? |
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Wakko: |
Okay. |
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Scratchy: |
Good.
What's on your mind? |
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Wakko: |
My
hat. |
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Scratchy: |
No,
no, no. Your hat is on your head. What's on your mind? |
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Wakko: |
My...
skin? |
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Scratchy: |
No...
that's on your head... What's on your MIND? |
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Wakko: |
Oh, I
got it! My hair! |
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Scratchy: |
Your
hair is on your head! THIS is hair! This is hair! (Pulls his hair out) It is not on my mind, it is
on. My. Head! |
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Wakko: |
No...
it's in your hand... |
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Scratchy: |
Gkk! (Sigh) Let's try something
different, okay? |
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Wakko: |
Okay. |
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Scratchy: |
Why
don't you tell me what you are feeling? |
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Wakko: |
My
shirt. |
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Scratchy: |
No,
that is what you are touching. What are you feeling? |
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Wakko: |
My
nose? |
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Scratchy: |
That's
what you're touching! What are you feeling?! Just tell me,
how... you... feel. |
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Wakko: |
I
feel fine! |
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Scratchy: |
Good!
Now we're getting somewhere! Um, would you care to expand
on that? |
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Wakko: |
Okay.
(He
inflates) |
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Scratchy: |
No,
no, no! Not that type of expanding! Stop it! |
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(Wakko
pops himself with a pin and flies across the room,
landing in Scratchy's arms) |
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Wakko: |
'Scuse
me. (Kisses
Scratchy)
Mwah! |
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(Scratchy
pulls more hair out.) |
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(Fade
in: It is now Yakko on the couch) |
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Scratchy: |
Now
then, Yakko. Let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll
say a word, and you say any word that you think of. Any
word that comes to mind. |
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Yakko: |
"Brain." |
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Scratchy: |
No,
no. We haven't started. |
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Yakko: |
"Begun." |
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Scratchy: |
No,
wait. |
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Yakko: |
"Yield." |
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Scratchy: |
No,
stop. |
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Yakko: |
"Cease." |
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Scratchy: |
Silence! |
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Yakko: |
"Quiet." |
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Scratchy: |
Enough! |
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Yakko: |
"Plenty." |
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Scratchy: |
Would.
You. Please. Listen! |
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Yakko: |
"Hear." |
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Scratchy: |
No,
you stupid kid! You don't understand! |
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Yakko: |
"Comprehend." |
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Scratchy: |
Gah!
Get out! Get out! Get out! |
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Yakko: |
"Leave.
Leave. Leave." |
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(Scratchy
kicks him out) |
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Scratchy: |
Hoo,
hoo... those kids is driving me crazy! |
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Yakko: |
(Peeps
around the door) "Insane. Unhinged. Demented!" |
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Scratchy: |
Grr! (Pulls the last piece of
his hair out, and collapses on the floor crying.) |
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(Fade
back to present day Scratchy, on the psychiatrist's couch) |
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Scratchy: |
And
this is how it's been! They is always driving me kooky in
the cop! And they're still not de-zanitised! Am I crazy,
doctor? |
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(The
psychiatrist turns out to be the Warners sat on the chair,
with notepads and Freudian beads tied on) |
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Yakko: |
(With
accent)
You are suffering from acute Warner-itis! |
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Scratchy: |
Argh!
(Explodes
through the ceiling, and tears trhough space, landing on
Mars.) |
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Yakko: |
(To
camera)
Was it something I said? |
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Fade
Out |
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The
End |
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Credits: |
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Scratchy: |
Rob
Paulsen |
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Yakko: |
Rob
Paulsen |
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Porky:
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Rob
Paulsen |
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Wakko: |
Jess
Harnell |
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Dot: |
Tress
MacNeille |
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Hello
Nurse: |
Tress
MacNeille |
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Ralph: |
Frank
Welker |
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Mr.
Plotz: |
Frank
Welker |
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Reagan: |
Frank
Welker |
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