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	DE-ZANITISED
	Written By: Paul Rugg
	(Fade in shot of the psychiatry building, Scratchy is on the patient couch.)
Scratchy:	I suppose it would be wise to start at the very beginning, ya?
Psychiatrist:	Proceed.
Scratchy (Voice over):	(Sigh) I was one of the most successful psycho-analysts in all of Hollywood.
	Flashback
Ralph:	Uh, good morning, Mr. Biggest Star In Hollywood.
H. Bogart:	G'morning, sweetheart.
Ralph:	Duh, g'morning, Porky.
Porky:	G, g, g, g, g, mor, mor, uh, mor, mor (Car horn sounds from behind him) (Yells at driver:) All right! All right! (To Ralph:) Hello. (Drives on)
Scratchy (VO):	And when zee stars had a problem, they came to me.
	(Fade in: Scratchy, who has a full head of hair, is listening to one of his patients)
Scratchy:	So, tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr. Reagan.
Reagan:	Well, in my dreams, I'm president of the United States.
	(Scratchy smiles, then thinks about it and scribbles something on his notepad. Notepad reads:
	"Delusions of grandeur
	Incurable."
	Scratchy underlines the "incurable".)
Scratchy (VO):	For years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their secrets, their pain. Hoo! It was so much fun! And then, just recently, I had just finished a delightfully intense session with Clint Eastwood. (Scratchy, who was evidently been thrown against the wall, falls forward onto the floor). Zen... (gulp) it happened.
	(There is commotion coming from outside and people are screaming. The Warners are leaning out of the water tower door, waving and blowing kisses to the crowd.)
Scratchy (VO):	It was zem - The Warner Brothers! Years of being locked away in the water tower... they'd managed to escape.
	(Yakko, Wakko and Dot jump down from the water tower, and run up the wall of the building to Scratchy's window.)
Dot:	Did ya' miss us?!!
Scratchy:	I hardly even know you.
Yakko & Wakko:	We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot:	And the Warner Sister!
	(The Warners all kiss Scratchy, who gags and spits feverously)
	(Scratchy turns to leave, and the Warners have appeared in front of him.)
Scratchy:	Argh! What do you want?!
Yakko:	We asked you first...
Scratchy:	Well, I want... uch, no, you didn't!
Dot:	Well, we meant to.
Scratchy:	Do you know who I am?!
	(The Warners appear behind their jeopardy (sorry - gyparody <g>) podiums. They all attempt to ring their buzzers, but Yakko buzzes in first)
Yakko:	Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psycho-analyst to the stars?
Scratchy:	Correct.
Yakko:	I won! I won! (Jumps into Scratchy's arms and clings to him) What did I win?!
Scratchy:	Nothing.
Yakko:	Say, what kind of gameshow is this?!
Scratchy:	This isn't a gameshow!
Yakko:	I'll say it isn't! Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week!
Scratchy:	(Agitated) Nurse! Nurse!
Hello Nurse:	Yes, Dr. Scratchansniff?
	(Yakko and Wakko pant at the sight of her)
Scratchy:	Get these kids out of here!
Yakko & Wakko:	(Faces turn wolf-like) Hellooooooo Nurse!
	(Dot slaps a hand to her forehead, embarrassed at her brothers' behaviour. Hello Nurse appears in a heart-shaped vision. Yakko sighs and envisions riding off with her on horseback. Wakko sighs and envisions driving off with her in a car. Dot looks confused and her dream consists of Scratchy, rowing her in a boat, while she sits under a parasol.)
Dot:	(Makes a face) Deeee-sgusting!
Hello Nurse:	(At the door) Why don't you cute little kids follow me?
	(Yakko and Wakko drift after her, walking on air (literally!), with their tongues hanging out. Dot walks behind them normally, looking a little nonplussed.)
Scratchy (VO):	After zee Warners escaped, I was called in to see the Chairman of the Board of the Warner Brothers studio.
	(Scratchy sits down at the end of a long table. Plotzi's hand reaches in from off-screen and presses a button. The curtains are closed mechanically and Mr. Plotz smiles at Scratchy... then he explodes:)
Mr. Plotz:	The Warner Brothers are wrecking havoc throughout the studio, Scratchansniff! And I won't have it! (Begins walking the length of the table towards Scratchy) In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order... calmness... control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos! They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made, "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead"!! And I have chosen YOU to get the Warner Brothers under control.
Scratchy:	Why me?
Mr. Plotz:	Because you're a psychiatrist... dummy.
Scratchy:	Oh.
Scratchy (VO):	And so, I scheduled an appointment with zee Warner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session.
	(Outside Scratchy's office, a beating drum can be heard. This turns out to be Wakko, who is marching behind Hello Nurse, and beating in time with her step. Yakko and Dot march behind him.)
	(Scratchy turns to his door, and Hello Nurse is now standing there. Yakko, Wakko and Dot slide in, in front of her.)
Hello Nurse:	The Warner Brothers are here for their three o'clock appointment. (She leans down to meet Yakko and Wakko's height, and address them directly. They start drooling again.) You be good little boys.
	(Yakko and Wakko sigh dreamily, and then fall over. Hello Nurse leaves, and they are left staring after her... at the door. Their ears get tangled together, and their tongues fall to the ground. Dot walks over them, pulls on their tongues, and they spring back into Yakko and Wakko's mouths.)
Dot:	Boys!
	(Yakko and Wakko, who have now woken up, leap into Scratchy's arms)
Yakko:	How ya' doin', Scratchy?
Scratchy:	I take umbrage at that.
Yakko:	Oh, sure (!), take all the umbrage! Don't leave any for us. (!)
Scratchy:	No, I mean I take offence!
Yakko:	And you want our fence too? (Pulls in a fence from off-screen) All right. Take it. But that's all... we're tapped out. (Warners give the fence to Scratchy.)
Scratchy:	I think it's time we got down to business, ya?
	(Yakko, Wakko and Dot are dressed in suits, in front of a graph and dancing to music. Yakko starts rapping:)
Yakko:	Now, our first quarter figures are re-ally low!
	As this, uh, bus-iness graph will hopefully show!
Scratchy:	Vhat are you doing?
Yakko:	We're gettin' DOWN... to business!
Scratchy:	You always make the jokes! This is not good. No more jokes, ya?
	(Yakko nods, Wakko and Dot shake their heads)
Scratchy:	...Ya... good. Now, plant yourselves on the couch there.
	(Yakko, Wakko and Dot transform into seeds and land on the couch, where they grow into flowers)
Scratchy:	I said... "no more jokes"...
Yakko:	This isn't a joke... it's a 'visual gag'.
Scratchy:	Well, no more gags... jokes... or monkey stuff.
Yakko:	(Raises his hand) Define 'monkey stuff'.
Scratchy:	The monkey stuff! The monkey stuff! (Starts acting like a monkey) You know, you walk around like a silly monkey/ Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah, aah, aah! And you be all goofy like a monkey. That is the monkey stuff.
	(Yakko, Wakko and Dot look confused, and stare blankly at the camera)
Wakko:	...Maybe you should see a p-sychiatrist.
Scratchy:	I AM a p-sych... I mean a psychiatrist! Uch!
	(Scratchy paces the floor, thinking. Yakko, Wakko and Dot copy his posture and follow him around the room... then follow him with an Egyptian walk... then dressed as British explorers.)
Scratchy:	(Snaps his fingers) Ah! I know what you kids want, ya! You want to talk to Mr. Puppethead!
	(Scratchy brings out a puppet that looks exactly like him.)
Mr. Puppethead:	Hello kids! I'm Mr. Puppethead. Tell me why you always make the jokes.
	(Scratchy brings Mr. Puppethead closer to the Warners... They just look at Scratchy like he's insane.)
Scratchy:	Why aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it's... it's very easy! Watch me, watch me... Hello, Mr. Puppethead! How are you?
Mr. Puppethead:	I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you?
Scratchy:	I am fine, Mr. Puppethead... (Yakko, Wakko and Dot look bemused. Wakko smacks his lips together) Did you have a yummy breakfast?
Mr. Puppethead:	Oh, yes, yes. Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast?
Scratchy:	My breakfast was yummy as well. (To Warners:) Now, you see? Isn't that easy?
Yakko:	...Um... are you sure you don't wanna see a p-sychiatrist?
Scratchy:	I AM a p-sych... I mean "psychiatrist!" (Starts pulling his hair out, with the puppet still on his hand) I am, I am, I am, I am!
Yakko:	Mr. Puppethead's hungry.
Scratchy (VO):	After much research, I decided to meet with each Warner Brother individually. I would start with the Warner Brother Sister, Dot.
	(Fade to Dot in a chair, looking around. Scratchy is trying to talk to her)
Scratchy:	Dot... May I call you "Dot"?
Dot:	Yeah... but call me "Dottie"... and ya' die.
Scratchy:	(Nervous laugh) "Dot" it is. Ahem. Now, I'm going to show you some pictures, and I want you to tell me what they look like. (Holds up an inkblot) What do you say to this?
Dot:	I'd say you're not a very good artist.
Scratchy:	I didn't draw that.
Dot:	Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
Scratchy:	No, it's an inkblot.
Dot:	I'll say!
Scratchy:	No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything.
Dot:	Then you did a very good job.
Scratchy:	I didn't draw it!... Doesn't it look like a little kitty cat or a butterfly, or something?
Dot:	No. (Dot pulls the inkblot off the page and moulds it into a butterfly) *That's* a butterfly.
	(The butterfly flies off, and Dot chases it with a net... both of which eventually end up on Scratchy's head)
	(Fade in: Wakko lying on the couch, Scratchy sitting on a chair next to him.)
Scratchy:	Now then, Wakko. What say you and I talk, hmm?
Wakko:	Okay.
Scratchy:	Good. What's on your mind?
Wakko:	My hat.
Scratchy:	No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. What's on your mind?
Wakko:	My... skin?
Scratchy:	No... that's on your head... What's on your MIND?
Wakko:	Oh, I got it! My hair!
Scratchy:	Your hair is on your head! THIS is hair! This is hair! (Pulls his hair out) It is not on my mind, it is... On. My. Head!
Wakko:	No... it's in your hand...
Scratchy:	Gkk! (Sigh) Let's try something different, okay?
Wakko:	Okay.
Scratchy:	Why don't you tell me what you are feeling?
Wakko:	My shirt.
Scratchy:	No, that is what you are touching. What are you feeling?
Wakko:	My nose?
Scratchy:	That's what you're touching! What are you feeling?! Just tell me, how... you... feel.
Wakko:	I feel fine!
Scratchy:	Good! Now we're getting somewhere! Um, would you care to expand on that?
Wakko:	Okay. (He inflates)
Scratchy:	No, no, no! Not that type of expanding! Stop it!
	(Wakko pops himself with a pin and flies across the room, landing in Scratchy's arms)
Wakko:	'Scuse me. (Kisses Scratchy) Mwah!
	(Scratchy pulls more hair out.)
	(Fade in: It is now Yakko on the couch)
Scratchy:	Now then, Yakko. Let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, and you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.
Yakko:	"Brain."
Scratchy:	No, no. We haven't started.
Yakko:	"Begun."
Scratchy:	No, wait.
Yakko:	"Yield."
Scratchy:	No, stop.
Yakko:	"Cease."
Scratchy:	Silence!
Yakko:	"Quiet."
Scratchy:	Enough!
Yakko:	"Plenty."
Scratchy:	Would. You. Please. Listen!
Yakko:	"Hear."
Scratchy:	No, you stupid kid! You don't understand!
Yakko:	"Comprehend."
Scratchy:	Gah! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Yakko:	"Leave. Leave. Leave."
	(Scratchy kicks him out)
Scratchy:	Hoo, hoo... those kids is driving me crazy!
Yakko:	(Peeps around the door) "Insane. Unhinged. Demented!"
Scratchy:	Grr! (Pulls the last piece of his hair out, and collapses on the floor crying.)
	(Fade back to present day Scratchy, on the psychiatrist's couch)
Scratchy:	And this is how it's been! They is always driving me kooky in the cop! And they're still not de-zanitised! Am I crazy, doctor?
	(The psychiatrist turns out to be the Warners sat on the chair, with notepads and Freudian beads tied on)
Yakko:	(With accent) You are suffering from acute Warner-itis!
Scratchy:	Argh! (Explodes through the ceiling, and flies through space, landing on Mars.)
Yakko:	(To camera) Was it something I said?
	Fade Out
	The End
Credits:
Scratchy:	Rob Paulsen
Yakko:	Rob Paulsen
Mr. Puppethead:	Rob Paulsen
Porky:	Rob Paulsen
Wakko:	Jess Harnell
Dot:	Tress MacNeille
Hello Nurse:	Tress MacNeille
Ralph:	Frank Welker
Mr. Plotz:	Frank Welker
Reagan:	Frank Welker
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