FUEL RISE FUELS QUEUE RISE Despite news that most stations are now fuelled up, the queues for petrol show no sign of letting up. "The queues show no sign of letting up, despite news that most stations are now fuelled up," says a motorist. Although news of new queues is fuelling impatience, the let up signs are few. "There are queues," adds the motorist. WE ARE ALL DOOMED Hundreds of billions of stricken British drivers waiting in queues for petrol yesterday were caught up in the most violent storm to have hit these fair isles since last Thursday. As literally centimetres of rainwater plunged to earth like firebombs sent by God in His almighty wrath, motorists could only watch as the outside of their cars got wet. "It was a nightmare," says one eyewitness. "It was like being in a car in the rain... I can't put it better than that." THE BEAR CHEEK News in today suggests that a large bear could be partly to blame for the recent oil crisis. Eyewitnesses testify to seeing a bear scoop up large pots of petrol in its mighty arms before running into a wood on its hind legs.The same bear, whose name is believed to be Gareth, was also spotted tinkering with the price signs in petrol station forecourts to make them higher. BLAIR BEGS Tony Blair's plea to OPEC to reduce oil prices has met with derision. "I just laughed in his face and told him to fuck off," said OPEC this morning. JACKASS JOHN'S NO JOKE John Prescott's fat gob may have landed him in trouble again following an outburst to an interviewer questioning his tact and diplomacy. "You can take your tact and diplomacy and stick it up your spotty arse and then shit it out in your dead granny's fadge," he responded. Only last week he described British farmers as "brain-dead, shit-shovelling, inbred cowfuckers." PM IN POOR PUN PERFORMANCE Tony Blair made what we can only describe as a tit out of himself this morning as he tried to inject his own feeble brand of humour into the oil crisis with a series of weak puns. Of planned negotiations with oil companies, he said, "I don't want to fuel unrealistic hopes but oil do the best I can do. It has been a taxing week but it is now our duty to pump some pride back into this country." Chortling to himself, he added, "You know, the other day my friend Adrian asked me, "Tone, where is the nearest petrol station?" and I replied "It's just past the next block, Aid." PATIENT BURNED FOR FUEL Hospital staff deprived of gas and electricity killed and melted an old woman for fuel, it has emerged today. Night workers at Guys Hospital, London, murdered 70 year-old Margaret Tubby, an obese lady awaiting a hip operation, and used her copious fat deposits to produce oil burners for their office. A power cut, which has nothing to do with the oil crisis unfortunately, created hospital havoc, with staff unable to heat water for their cups of tea and powdered soup. "It is true that we rendered a patient into fat," smiles supervising manager Dr Killdeer. "But she was a fat old knacker who had another 5 years left in her, tops. We even managed to make some scratchings from her leathery hide. Would you like one?"