Oh yes ma’am, whatever’s necessary.

Ok. We’ve pulled out the shoelaces, soles, and inner lining. Your shoes check out fine.

The soles and inner lining weren’t supposed to come out.

Well sir, it’s all part of airport security. Mandatory. You’ll just have to get them repaired and not wear such unreasonable shoes next time you fly. It’s just the cost of flying safely with us.

Unreasonable? They’re just sneakers.

Please remove your socks sir.

... ok

Thank you for cooperating sir, this is a lot of help. Ok we need you to cut your toenails.

My toenails!?

Yes. They are severely past scratching length. And please cut any protuding, sharp hangnails.

Umm, would anyone seriously use their toe-hangnails dangerously?

We have to take every precaution.

Can I sit down?

Sorry sir I have to watch you do it right here. Standard procedure.

(stumble stumble clip clip)

Thank you sir, please discard the clipped nails into this tub so I can pass them through the x-ray and poison-detecting machine.

Poison-detecting?

Yes, that’s right.

What, to make sure people didn’t poison their toenails before they were going to scratch people with them?

Please sir there’s no need to get uptight this is standard procedure for your safety. Please just cooperate.

Why didn’t you do it to all those people who just got through?

We toe-nail check randomly sir. Well this specimin checks out. Please continue to the next table and have a nice flight sir!

(Next table)

Good Afternoon sir!

Uh, hi.

Please place your hands behind your back sir!

Wait, What are you doing?

Standard procedure sir! Four people per flight must be handcuffed until they reach ground at their final destination.

What are you talking about?! I’m not a criminal! You can’t handcuff me, what about my civil liberties?!

Sir, you very well have the right to resist being handcuffed. But we also have the right to revoke your seat if you do not cooperate. It’s for the passengers’ safety. Now please turn around and put your hands behind your back sir.

(grumble)

(handcuff) Thank you sir. Now please remove your shirt.

You just handcuffed me!

Sir, it’s not necessary to raise your voice. This is standard procedure. Please do not start a scene. Now I just need you to remove your shirt so I may check for any safety pins or buttons with sharp corners.

I can’t remove my shirt. You handcuffed me.

... Let me consult my manual.

Huff.

Ok sir, just wait a moment, I’m having four other security guards come over to watch you while I uncuff you long enough to remove your shirt. This will just take a minute.

(20 minutes later)

Ok sir, please spread your legs two feet apart so two of our guards may get a firm hold on each leg.

(cooperate cooperate)

Now as soon as you’re uncuffed, remove your shirt quickly but refrain from making any quick movements or we’ll have to use force. (uncuff)

(removing shirt)

(cuff) Ok. I’m just gonna take this over here and check it out.

Ok Sir you’re good to go! Thank you so much for cooperating.

How do I get my shirt back on?

Sorry sir, you were limited to one opportunity to be uncuffed until you arrive at your final destination. You can put it on there.

This is rediculous!

Sir! Please do not raise your voice. This is standard procedure and completely necessary for yours and other passengers’ safety! Please cooperate!

I will not fly six hours without a shirt on!

... Ok sir. Well if you’ll just step into that office over there, maybe they can help you. They’ll just need to check out a few more things. Oh and you’ll need to remove your pants too sir because they will be raping you. Have a safe flight and we hope to see you again soon!

jonelle kelly
January 10, 2002