SAYINGS "STUPID JOKES"

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• His teeth are brighter than he is!!!
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that.)
• Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Light travels faster than sound.  Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?
• Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
• Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
• Why is the alphabet in that order?
•  If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
•  Do fish get cramps after eating?
•  Why are there 5 syllables in "monosyllabic"?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
• Tell  him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM  longer?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the 'self-help'
•  section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
• The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut?
• War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that.)
• Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide  to play chess?
• If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Light travels faster than sound.     Is that why some people appear bright  until you hear them speak?
• Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?
• Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
• Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already  know you don't have?
• Why is the alphabet in that order?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
• liquid contains real lemons?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are
• they still working?
•  Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
•  The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut?
•  War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left!

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