dirty jokes

DIRTY AND STUPID JOKES

NEW JOKES WILL BE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, AND WILL BE IN RED!!!! Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous!!! But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you!"

So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off
his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother,
"Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria." said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take care of you!" So, up she went again! When she got there,
Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs
to her mother. "Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
Her mother replied, "Don't worry Maria, "All good men have hairy legs.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks,
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama Mama, Tony' got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job
for Mama!!!"

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp
buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The
husband
is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts
and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in
to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try
and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as
he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming
and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't
rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the
husband
and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any
damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly
gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he
doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown
the little bastard!"

A woman had been dating an actor for a short while when she became
pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give
birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The
doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the
priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he said.
So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest.
After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not
going to believe this!"

"What?" asked the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" cried the priest.

"I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he
must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your
father."

THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much
hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's
office(the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets?
What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet
you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll
bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said,
"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer
with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got
very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely
no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could
feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hells the matter
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000
that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my
hand."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the
two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic
cord, insurance, etc...

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything
ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and
bleeding. Again the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again
and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's
got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the
second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was
the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but
what the hell is a pinata?

THE MORAL OF THE STORY...

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher had the class go
home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The
following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep
all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count
your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer.

Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete
broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral
to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been
drinking."

Two BCT engineering students meet each other half way across the campus
at the university . . . . .
First Engineer : Hey, nice mountain bike you're riding, where did you get it ?"
Second Engineer : You're never going to believe this . . .
I was sitting under a tree, reading my textbook on quantum mechanics,
in that secluded little corner down the back of the campus. Suddenly
this absolute babe from the Arts Department rides up on this mountain
bike, drops it on the ground, rips off all her clothes, throws herself
down in front of me and says, "Take what you want . . ."
First Engineer : Wise choice my friend . . . . You probably wouldn't have fit into her clothes!

Giving Birth - The Modern Way
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's
labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to the 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before. But as the labor pains progressed, the husband felt fine. So,
he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer and the
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood
pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they
decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.
.....When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can
cure your headaches..."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base
of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to
live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. However, as he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see .. . .size 44
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.",
replied the salesman.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and...16
and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my
job.", he replied.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a
half..wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?""It's my
job.", was again the reply.

And a hat?" "Why not?" "Size 14..."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
Again, "It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

The following course schedule if for those of you who meet the
prerequisites or may know someone who would benefit from the
degree:
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many
of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL WOMAN. That's
right,
in just six quarters you, too, can be a real woman, as well as earn
an
AA degree (AA Real WOMEN). Please take a WOMEN to look over the
program
outline.
FIRST YEAR
AUTUMN SCHEDULE
WOMEN 101         You too can read a map!
WOMEN 102         Beer is one of the four food groups
WOMEN 103         ANY sporting event is important to watch
WOMEN 104         MEN Want to buy Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
WINTER SCHEDULE
WOMEN 110         Darks and lights are ok together
WOMEN 111         Why bars are open until 4AM
WOMEN 112         Parenting: Why it's not important to men
EAT 100                 Get A Life, Learn To Eat frozen dinners
ECON 001A               Don't touch my change machine!
SPRING SCHEDULE
WOMEN120         Get over it, quicker
WOMEN 121         Why men don't ask for directions.
WOMEN 122         YOU, The Weaker Sex
WOMEN 123         Why Flowers? they just die anyway.
ECON 001B               Why our haircuts only cost $10, and so should
yours!>
SECOND YEAR
AUTUMN SCHEDULE
SEX 101         Men CAN'T Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102         Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Make love
WOMEN 201         How To Keep Him Awake After Sex
WOMEN 202         How To Put The Toilet Seat UP
ELECTIVE        (See Electives Below)
WINTER SCHEDULE
WOMEN 210         The Remote Control: Just give it up
WOMEN 211         How To Act Younger Than Your Children
WOMEN 212         You, are the Designated Driver
WOMEN 213         Honest: You Don't Look Like Nicole Kidman
(Especially                        Naked)
WOMEN 230A        His Birthdays & Anniversaries mean nothing
SPRING SCHEDULE
WOMEN 220         Inserting @&*%$#* where appropriate into the
conversation (Pass/Fail                       Only)
WOMEN 221         Fluffing The Blanket After Farting IS Necessary
(crosslisted with Sharing 120)
WOMEN 222         Real WOMEN Ask For Directions
WOMEN 223         Thirty Minutes of Begging Is Considered Foreplay
WOMEN 230B        His Birthdays & Anniversaries Still Mean Nothing
Course Electives<<
EAT 101         Cooking With Lard
EAT 102         Raw cookie dough is an appropriate dessert
EAT 103         Burping & Belching for show
WOMEN 231         Why other women attract him
WOMEN 232         Men just don't listen, so get over it
WOMEN 233         Just Say, Yes, yes, yes!
ECON 001C    Cheaper To Keep Him (Must Pass ECON 001B)

The following course schedule if for those of you who meet the
prerequisites or may know someone who would benefit from the degree:

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many
of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right,
in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an
AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

FIRST YEAR

AUTUMN SCHEDULE

MEN 101         Combating Stupidity
MEN 102         You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103         PMS: Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104         We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

WINTER SCHEDULE

MEN 110         Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111         Understanding The Female Response to Getting In
                        At 4AM
MEN 112         Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100         Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A       What's Hers Is Hers

SPRING SCHEDULE

MEN120         How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121         Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122         YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123         Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B       What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR

AUTUMN SCHEDULE

SEX 101         You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102         Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201         How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202         How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE        (See Electives Below)

WINTER SCHEDULE

MEN 210         The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211         How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212         You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213         Honest: You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise (Especially
                            Naked)
MEN 230A        Her Birthdays & Anniversaries Are Important 1

SPRING SCHEDULE

MEN 220         Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail
                        Only)
MEN 221         Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222         Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223         Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B        Her Birthdays & Anniversaries Are Important 2

>>Course Electives<<

EAT 101         Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102         Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103         Burping & Belching Discreetly
MEN 231         Mother-in-Law
MEN 232         Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233         Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C    Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

here's one:
this guy was tied naked to a tree as a practical joke at his bachelor's
party. a motorist stopped and the poor guy was thanking him and saying
it had been a really bad day for him . "You don't know the half of it "
says the motorist as he unbuckeled his belt.......

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