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Friday, September 13th, 2002  

Rye

America. Rye. We will never forget.

Rye was once our country's primary whiskey. After the Civil War, Tennessee and Bourbon whiskies gained in popularity, while rye was pushed to the back of the shelves.
By the 1950's, rye was considered a drink for grizzled old men, and all the young hipsters drank fancy schmancy Jack Daniels.
Today rye is impossible to find in any grocery store, so I drove to a seedy liquor store, and was happy to see a beat-up looking old alcoholic at the counter.

"I'll take a fifth of rye"
The old guy grinned. "I didn't think anyone drank that stuff anymore."
(This was a great accomplishment. The two hardest cashiers in America to impress are: the elitist indy rock girl at the underground record store, and liquor store owners. Both are born with a natural hatred of customers.)

I picked up some cheap cigars and a pack of Johnsonville bratwurst on the way home, poured my rye into a flask, walked out into the campus park and proceeded to have a one-man barbeque. Of course a bunch of kids showed up, you can't cook good food and smoke cigars on a college campus without attracting attention, and I expected this. I cooked up some extra bratwurst for the freshmen, and handed out a couple cigars.

Then one saw me take a pull off my flask.
"Whoa you have a flask? Cool! What's in it?"
"Grapejuice."
"ha ha no, really!"
"Rye Whiskey."
A few of them nod, pretending they know what whiskey tastes like, because they've had Jack Daniel's mixed with Coca-Cola before. I hand the flask to a hippy-looking dude. He takes a big pull, and then doubles over spitting and coughing with a stream of pre-puke saliva hanging from his mouth.

Having a peaceful one-man barbeque might be impossible in college, but enjoying a drink all to yourself is easy, thanks to America's greatest whiskey.

Criminal Boy

OH MY GOLLY!
Snuggs has created a movie STARRING THE MOST FAMOUS BARD EVER (Fansy) Click on the "B" in rutabaga to watch it.


In other news, Jesicka creates a homepage full of hardcore XXX EQ action, and some erotic Fansy fan-fiction depicting the hero as a criminal.

~Fry

Wind Up Toys

From the patch message:
- NPCs who are pets of players and call for help from other NPCs will have their cries fall on deaf ears.
(this stops charm-burning, see Fansy's POD episode)
- Pets can no longer be affected by charm spells. This should fix the issue that caused charm spells to make pets disappear.
This stops bards from killing pets with charm

Oh my golly say it isn't so! This is the worst nerf that has ever befallen any class in the history of Everquest. Except maybe when they nerfed rogues by making corpses unlootable with /consent.

BOY OH BOY DO WE HAVE SOME BIG FUN TODAY:

Rancar shows us the last, blissful days of charm-burning in Flower Power

Fansy makes his own Sullon Zek Server Messageboard, since the other one is full of racism, hatred, porn and other evil things.

The Rallos division of Flowers opens up its level 9 team, risking nothing and gaining everything!

Meningitis looks back on his first days of flower-hood

And Kerstique the Scientist teaches us all about Norrathian Sea Monsters!

~Frybread

Cybersex, yet again

HELLO EVERYBODY! Hope you're feeling especially cheery today, because I was thinking it would be nice if everyone felt that way, even if it were for just one day.

A lot of people try to make themselves cheery by playing a game called Everquest and engaging in the seedy, stupifying world of "cybersex". I see this type of thing happen a lot in pickup groups, the people see each other's avatars and become attracted to them. The conversation is usually something like:

Aarrwen: USE ASSIST DAMNIT!!!
Legollaz: Mmm Aarrwen is hot and in control, I liek that in a woman lol
Aarrwen: *blushes*
Soorroman: lol ya she's a hot
Soorroman: but I like wood elf chicks more they r hotter
Gimliii: yeah wood elves are the best
Glollum: no barbarian chicks r hottest mmm
Blillbo: I like ogre and troll ladies the most they r sexy!!!!
Gimliii: LOL
Soorroman: ROFLMAO
Aarrwen: OMG LOL
Legollaz: Eww yuck they r fat!

Aarrwen: ok lets pull
Legollaz: Aarrwen where do u live?
Aarrwen: oklahoma
Legollaz: baby if u lived in florida ud be gettin hot sex right after this pull lol
Legollaz: cuz my wife wont be home till next week ;)
Aarrwen: that sounds good *blushes*
Legollaz: whats ur email?

That's almost an exact copy of a conversation I saw on Zebuxoruk. What can you do to combat this sort of unhappiness? You can solo your way to 50, or you can choose to cyber with a Flower of Happiness - the professionals on this subject. (courtesy of Jesicka - FoH Sullon Zek division)

Update: Jesicka has another one for you: Flower sex #2
~Fry

Norrath Geographic


My first character was Blart, and he hit level 50 in 1999 on Rallos Zek - the only PvP server at that time. There were no serious level 50 PKs back then, the high level scene on Rallos resembled the high level scene on a blue server. Nagafen raids, Vox raids, Plane of Fear raids, and camping the Ykesha in lower guk.


Badmartigan (The People's Wizard) and Ilsen (The Hamburglar) changed that. PvP was unheard of back then, and many people were shocked and angry that these two were doing it so well. This was back when people would wear equipment without fear of it being ganked. After Badmartigan and Ilsen, high level Rallos Zek players started to walk around naked or in no-drop gear.


So take a trip back to when Kunark and Velious didn't exist, level 50 was the highest level you could attain, PvP spells still did 100% damage, and when nobody could imagine why two people would "waste" level 50 characters by becoming random PK's. There hasn't been a PK duo on Rallos Zek as feared or as dominating since.

Father's Day


Dad shouts, 'I made another human!'



ralphyo shouts, 'grats'

alawen shouts, 'gratz'

jomwo shouts, 'gj'


Now let Rancar show you how the GOOD GUYS celebrate this wonderful holiday.

OH MY GOLLY!

A new Fansy episode!

56 Warnings


Chadlekpunch has achieved a Flower first, 56 warnings at once! Here's a clip:

Alovia tells you, "Your guild is persentent on pissing people off..
but when you piss off the server GM.. thats bad"

Read the rest here.


For those wanting to join the Flowers, but can't decide which server, I've written up a couple guides. Here's a clip from the Sullon Zek guide:


Evil: (70% of the playerbase)

OH kewl I can be lvl 60 and kil level 2?! AWESOME! Time to hang up level 32 druid on Fennin Ro, I'm moving to Sullon! I will BE EVIL iksar and be the terror of Freeport! Oh ho hho ho this is gonna be l33t i'll kill those gay fag newbs! I'M PURE EVIL! DEATH 6666!



Neutral: (23% of the playerbase)

I'd never play on a blue server, because I have balls. PvP is how I earn the respect of other players. I read the PvP 101 rules by Myndpyre everyday. Skill is everything. Sure I'm allowed to train and corpse camp, but I'm above such "blue" forms of combat. I never kill greens (unless they're being gay), and I rarely kill evens. I only attack full groups of reds. And I win every time, without using weapons. Or spells. And one arm tied behind my back. Go back to your blue server newbies, I'm the PvP God.



Good: (7% of the playerbase)

WHERE IS THE PALADIN GUILD????


Flowers of Happiness chose to be on the good team. Not because we like the good team, but because we like to kill the other
two.



Learn about Rallos Zek and Sullon Zek now!

Hey everybody! Update on the Rallos Zek flowers: Daero won the random /roll for guild leadership! Even though it wasn't random nor a roll, he will still be leader.

I wrote up a Flowerized version of the "PvP Rules" that get posted on every PvP related messageboard. Hope you enjoy it, YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOT! WE OWN YOU!

EQPvP 101 The Basics: Attitude

For those just starting on a Zek Server

Lesson 1: I came here to annoy people

Repeat after me, 'I came here to annoy people'

If you are not here to kill and harass other players until they cancel their account, take your blubie ass to Friendly Ro, Mithaniel Campsalot, Happy Thule, or better yet just move to Bostwana, because they don’t have Everquest there and most have never even seen a video game. You can live the rest of your life without anyone calling you a “gay homo fag”, so you can build up your self esteem enough to get a girlfriend. As every Everquest player knows, having a girlfriend is the most important RL quality you can possess, so if you have one be sure to mention her as much as possible over /guildchat and during /ooc smacktalk.

Lesson 2: Somebody called me gay. How did they know about my experience at summer camp? I was pre-pubescent and just experimenting, so it doesn’t really count… right?



You are an insignificant WORM. Everquest is not for WORMS, it’s for MEN. In fact I don’t think any video games have yet been made for worms, not even WORMS. So plan on people talking shit, plan on having your sexuality questioned, plan on seeing the word “the” misspelled.

When people talk shit, are you just going to listen and go back to gaining XP? No, you miserable shell of fossilized worm feces, that would be playing the game the wrong way. Remember, WORM, you did not come here to slay dragons, you came here to DESTROY the self confidence of others. The sooner you get it through your bluebie head that you are an ANIMAL and REALIZE that this is what you wanted to be, the more MENACING you will become. You are not a gawky teenager playing Everquest, you are a FIERCE AND SCARY beast! You’re a MAN! RAWWWRRRR!

If somebody calls you a homosexual and claims to have had sex with your mother for a modest amount of money, stand up for yourself and tell them that they are, in fact, the true homosexual, and that the claims of your mother exchanging sex for money were a thinly veiled attempt at covering up the fact that their mother is a prostitute.

Lesson 3: You just got PK’ed, what now?


Aweee, did Mister Meanie come gank you and take your spawn? Do you want a tissue? Super soft or regular strength? With or without aloe? What’s the difference? It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares about you, WORM. That spawn now belongs to Mister Meanie, because he is better than you. Nobody cares that you died. Want to cry? Go ahead, maggot, nobody will listen except to laugh. Just like when Dad laughed at you when you said you wanted a My Little Pony playhouse for your 11th birthday, and nobody cared about what you really wanted, and mom said “Tony I don’t want you to be so different” and you said “mom I just want the ponies because they’re cool and I like horses!”

“My final answer is no Tony, your father agrees with me”

“That’s right son, I don’t want no boy of mine playing with pink horses”

“but all my friends like horses and Julie said…”

“ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GIRLS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN’T YOU GO PLAY BASEBALL OR SOMETHING NORMAL? QUIT CRYING!”

“Oh Dan you’ve really hurt his feelings”

“GET YOUR PANSY ASS TO YOUR ROOM! I can’t stand to watch you cry.”

Lesson 4: You are at the bottom of the food chain

Welcome to Zek, Mister Worm. You will eat dirt and like it. As an insignificant worm, you are supposed to like dirt. After all, you gather your life-giving nutrients from organic material in the dirt, which makes bacteria grow in your gut. As the dirt passes through your body, the bacteria in your stomach is added to the soil. Plants can then grow bigger and stronger with the bacteria-rich soil, and animals who eat the plants will be more healthy, and animals who eat the animals that eat plants will get more food, and so on. We would like to thank you, Mister Worm, for building the foundation of our wonderful world! But remember, as a worm, you are on the bottom of the food chain. We could crush you at any time we want, and while that will only weaken the foundation of our world and eventually lead to our demise, we don’t have the foresight to realize this.

You may ask, who are ‘We’? We are the first generation players of the Zek servers who run this place. We have eight times the amount of /played time that you do. Our guild sold enough plat on playerauctions to purchase each member a toilet-chair. Think of this as a jail cell, and we run the block. Or better yet, imagine it as a high-school, and we’re the bullies. Except instead of hanging out in the weight room, we hang out in the A/V room.

And if we can’t kill you because you’re out of range, hiding, on the same team, or whatever? We’re the Gods of this server, it doesn’t matter. We can stare at you menacingly. We can say really mean things. Just remember, you EARN the right to breathe, and eat something else besides dirt. You EARN this right by being tougher then the people who are telling you that you don’t have this right. You EARN your respect, and your reputation. You EARN the right to stop being a worm, and start being a rat.

When you actually move up from Worm to Rat, you own the worms. Just be careful, because some worms have cats as friends who like to eat Rats who get too big for their ability to produce death. If this happens, I suggest making some dog friends. Or better yet, a monkey/dog/machine gun hybrid friend that could kill dogs, cats, rats and worms with its semi-automatic laser beam arms. That would be awesome.



Lesson 5: The man’s game

So you’re mad that somebody killed you when you were low on health? You’ve obviously learned nothing, worm. Go back and read lesson 2.
PvP servers are not for pansies. It takes a strong MAN to play this game, and in no way is it for pansies. Did you hear that dad? I’m playing a tough man’s game! I don’t need girl toys! I’M NOT A PANSY DAD, I’M TOUGH!

I’M TOUGH!!

Coming Soon
EQ-PvP 102: Honor and Respect During Cyber Sex