This isn't goodbye

Author: Mexx

Rating: PG

Summary: Buffy's pov at the end of Graduation Day II

Feedback: Is what I live for (Well, that, and chocolate).

//This isn't goodbye, even as I watch you

leave, this isn't goodbye

I swear I won't cry, even as tears fill

my eyes, I swear I won't cry//

There he is, standing there.

He told me he wasn't going to say goodbye, that he was just gonna leave. I guess it's too hard for him to say that little word, but I think that he doesn't want to say it coz he doesn't believe it's over. This can't be the end of us, I'm part of him - literally, and he's part of me.

The smoke from the fire is beginning to lift now, I can see his beautiful face; creased brow, loving eyes, grim mouth, his beautiful soul shining through.

I can barely look at him, it hurts so much that he's leaving me I just want to curl up and die, right here in front of my burnt down school, amongst the whirring noise of the fire trucks. Maybe if I died now he wouldn't leave, maybe he'd hold my lifeless body in his arms forever, my soul would stay close by though, my love would never leave him.

he's leaving me though. I don't know where he's leaving for, LA, I think he said, he hasn't told me his new address though, I won't be able to visit. Will he call? Will he write? No, he won't do that, only people who say goodbye do that kind of stuff, he hasn't said it, we haven't said it, I don't think we ever will. Spike was right though, we'll be in love untill it kills us.

It already nearly has killed us, both of us, I don't understand how the powers can be so cruel, we fight and we fight and we suffer, and then we almost die.

At christmas, when Angel thought he was losing his grip, when he scared he demon was gonna gain control, he was killing to die to prevent Angelus frm hurting me, he said the first had told him he was born to kill me. He wasn't. He was born to love me.

I was told I was destined to be a Slayer from the moment I was concieved, the Slayer has always been inside of me, in my blood, but the only thing I feel in my blood is my love for him.

I wonder if he knows how much? Could he taste how much I loved him when he drank from me, could he feel the heat and the power and the passion of it on his lips and down his throat? Last night when he drank from me I wasn't scared, I was in love, I simply wanted him to love, even if he was gonna walk away from me anyway, even if I died, he had to live. It means part of me will be with him forever. He nearly killed me and I have never felt as close to him before.

He's staring at me, staring at the bandage on my neck. The bite mark the Master left healed, not even a trace of him left, Angel's mark will last forever though, part of him is with me too.

His lips are parting as if he's gonna say something Don't I pray Don't say goobye, don't let this be the end. His mouth closes and he remains silent as if he heard my silent plea.

His eyes aren't leaving mine, longing and soulful and beautiful, begging me to ask him to stay. But I know I can't do that, asking him to stay will mean him telling me no, telling me goodbye.

His leg is moving, I can't tel if he's stepping toward me or turning on his heel to walk away.

I want him to be walking toward me, I want him to take me in his arms and kiss me and love me forever and never let go.

He doesn't. He stares at me, keeps looking until his eyes are beginning to fill with tears from the smoke or are they tears of pain? Is he crying because of me? Coz I'm letting him go? Coz I'm not crying with him, coz I've got my tears locked away inside where no one can reach them and make them fall from my eyes. I don't want to let him go but I have to, I'm not saying goodbye, I'm just letting him leave, there's a difference, leaving doesn't last forever, goodbye does. If I let him leave me now, then one day, he can come back to me and hold me and love me until the end of forever.