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The Matrix Revolutions
(Reviewed October 25, 2003)
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I know it sounds crazy to feel sorry for kazillionaire Joel Silver, the filthy-rich producer of the "Matrix" franchise and loads of other mega-buck Hollywood blockbusters. But I honestly couldn't help
picturing the guy putting his head in his hands and weeping with hurt betrayal after he got a look at the final cut of this dumb, deadly dull, thoroughly disappointing finale to the trilogy.
"Did those damned Wachowskis really think people wanted more down-in-the-dirt `Thunderdome' scenes again, instead of getting back to the cool high-tech stuff everybody liked about the first
movie?" I imagine the stunned Mr. S. moaning. "Or that adding a bunch of stupid oversized Transformers that look like Star Wars rejects was cutting edge in 2003? They've gotta be kidding! They've gotta
be!!!"
Remember how "Matrix Reloaded," bad as it was, at least started off with a short-but-dazzling motorcycle action scene, big explosions, and a genuinely cool falling-off-a-skyscraper bullet-time
gunfight before things got excruciatingly boring for the next hour or so down in the murky, mud-brown caves of Zion? "Matrix Revolutions" doesn't even bother giving us an upfront action scene before the
claustrophic dystopian lethargy sets in. Instead, we are right down in that stupid hole in the ground from the get-go, watching desperate throngs milling around in badly knit sweaters and other homeless-chic
duds, moping and complaining about their impending doom. And where's our boy Neo? Turns out he's off in some remarkably clean and bright subway-station-of-the-mind, chatting with an Indian family
of programs who are waiting for the next train. Who are these people, customer service reps for MasterCard? Who knows? Who cares?
Nothing about this series has made a lick of sense from the beginning, but the first movie at least made an effort (however flawed) at getting us to suspend disbelief and go along for the ridiculous
ride. "Reloaded" dispensed with rationality altogether, throwing in characters and elements that were kind of cool looking but basically nothing more than window-dressing. The Merovingian? Those albino twins? The stunningly beautiful
Monica Bellucci as Persephone? The Architect? It turns out that none of them had any real story function beyond looking stylish. Some of them are back in "Revolutions," and damned if they still aren't just
about completely unnecessary to the plot. Bellucci, in fact, says exactly one line in "Revolutions." (Predictably, it is an embarrassing cliche.) The good news, however, is that her extremely low-cut top
shows off her spectacular breasts to eye-popping advantage. (Hey, folks, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.)
Granted, there are some nice SFX shots in "Revolutions," when the flick finally...FINALLY!...gets around to some action. Neo's face-off against Agent Smith in the rain (while a city full of other
Agent Smiths looks on) offers some neat variations on your basic "pow," "kapow," "biff" theme (such as when their collision causes the falling raindrops to form a kind of outwardly expanding concussion
bubble). I would have expected their flying action to look better than it does--we're still basically in "Superman: The Movie" territory, technology-wise, even all these years later--but that's not saying it looks
too bad. And when the big battle for Zion cuts loose, all of the CGI stuff happens too fast for you to get a good look at much of anything, but those mechanical squids still look damned scary.
As for the characters, Morpheus has been reduced to a blank-faced, passive second-banana; the romance between Trinity and Neo remains wholly unconvincing; and the valiant bit players
defending Zion are hewn from badly aged cardboard (the tough-as-nails soldier, the green artillery-loader, the ineffectual council). It's sad how much everything that happens underground in "Reloaded" and
"Revolutions" has in common with the most recent two "Star Wars" movies: lots of boring talk, lots of expended ammo, lots of videogame violence, adding up to a whole lotta nothing.
I won't spoil the ending other than to say it answers precisely none of the existential threads-within-threads left dangling by the Architect in "Reloaded." I was hoping for some kind of triple-reverse
mindfuck, something genuinely clever or at least unusual. Instead, we get just about the most conventional and predictable conclusion imaginable. As it turns out, there are no "bonus levels" whatsoever to
this story, despite all of the "deep thought" artificial-world predestination claptrap we heard from the Architect last time around.
My prediction: "Revolutions" will reap even less box-office than "Reloaded," which itself was quite the underperformer itself expectations-wise. (Yeah, I know the thing made money, but even the
most pessimistic prognosticator on the WB lot would never have imagined that "Finding Nemo" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" would turn out to be bigger hits than "Reloaded.")
I never was the world's biggest "Matrix" fan to begin with, but it's still a crying damned shame that the makers of the trilogy made it so easy for all of us to unplug and wave goodbye without
feeling a thing.
Back Row Grade: D+
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