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The Last Samurai
(Reviewed November 19, 2003)
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What's Japanese for "cornball?"
"The Last Samurai" has way too much in common with "Dances With Wolves," but is played far less convincingly. In both, a disillusioned hatin'-life 19th-century US soldier gets his act together
and his priorities straight when he experiences the simple pleasures of a less modern (that's "modern" as in "corrupt, shallow, materialistic and murderous") people. The main problem is that Tom Cruise is
very hard to accept as the bitter, alcoholic burnout who is captured by a noble band of samurai and taken to their picturesquely pastoral mountaintop village. Where does he bunk while he is there? Why, in a
charming house with the strikingly beautiful widow and kute kids of a samurai warrior that Cruise killed in battle, of course! And does she eventually find herself falling in wuv with him? Mais oui, mon
ami!
Look, maybe it's just the warmongering hate-filled American in me, but this stuff just doesn't fly. The prospect of any war widow anywhere in any time showing quietly respectful hospitality and
affection TO THE GUY WHO JUST KILLED HER FREAKIN' HUSBAND is either preposterous or just plain sadistic. Since the head samurai who suggests this cozy but crack-brained living arrangement
is shown to be a nice enough all-around guy otherwise, I guess "preposterous" wins out.
This was only one of the things that made "The Last Samurai" about as realistic and believable as an episode of "Bonanza." Cruise's US Army superior is so one-dimensionally nasty he really
should have gone ahead and twirled his moustache a few times. When Cruise dispatches a bunch of swordsmen in an alley like some chop-sockey superhero, we get to see the whole battle again in slow-mo
right away, as Cruise apparently reflects on that magical Mister Mojo moment. The film's ending is silly and sap-filled to the point of being insulting. And long? The concession stand should sell No-Doz
patches for your ass cheeks, because they will be asleep long before the credits roll.
The movie is nice looking, with cinematography by John Toll. I also liked the actor who played the head samurai, but I'm way too lazy to search imdb.com for his name. Sorry.
(One weird thing: There's a dialog scene in this movie that is almost identical to one in "The Missing," when characters say something about having both good and evil inside them. When asked
which one wins, the reply is "the one I feed the most." Different writers wrote the two movies, making it a very odd coincidence that both feature the same hokey exchange.)
Back Row Grade: D+
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