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House of Sand and Fog
(Reviewed November 13, 2003)
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Easily the most overrated and overhyped movie of the year. Jennifer Connelly and Ben Kingsley give good performances, granted, but the material here is so bad it's like seeing Meryl Streep and Laurence
Olivier in a remake of "Tomkats."
For the howlingly preposterous plot to work, we have to believe three impossible-to-swallow things: (1) Jennifer has not opened her mail for months, EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN PILING
UP UNDER THE MAIL SLOT OF THE FRONT DOOR TO HER HOUSE; (2) despite being one of the most beautiful women who ever lived on this or any other planet, Jennifer has no boyfriend, and in
fact no friends of any kind, who could loan her $500...and she won't ask her family for the money.. even though the alternative is LOSING HER HOUSE; (3) Jennifer Connelly is a flat-broke no-prospects
HOUSEKEEPER. (Look, I know she was excellent as a desperate drug addict in "Requiem for a Dream," but somehow she was more believable as a jonesing junkie in that movie than as a freelance maid in
this one.) Somebody please direct me to the fantasyland where drop-dead-gorgeous Jennifer is a housekeeper and Nicole ("The Human Stain") Kidman is a janitor, because I'd love to see who is shilling
Chanel there!
The audience also is expected to believe that a cop would put his career on the line doing idiotically unimaginable things, because at about the halfway point this movie painfully shifts from
lethargic literary nonsense to become an "Unlawful Entry"-style would-be thriller.
One of its high points: A completely gratuitous shot of the lovely Jennifer taking off her shirt to reveal a see-through maroon bra you will dream about removing for the rest of your days. Ms.
Connelly's breasts are so magnificently large that the sight of them will take you right out of the movie, which isn't a bad thing in this case. Or, to put it more simply: GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY!!!
Kingsley is incredibly good as an ex-Iranian military officer who buys Connelly's house at a tax auction, but the things the plot makes him do are ridiculous, to the point where he seems to be
playing a whole host of different men instead of one who has any believable consistency.
Also, the look of the movie is too dark and often too self-conscious, full of would-be "meaningful" cutaway shots (sunsets, a birdbath, seascapes) that end up being about as "arty" as motivational
posters on sale at the mall.
Great acting, lousy script. You've been warned.
Back Row Grade: D
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