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American Wedding (American Pie 3)
(Reviewed July 24, 2003)
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One of the absolute worst movies of the year. I didn't like either of the first two "American Pie" flicks, but this one is hands-down the lousiest of the three.
I've said it before about witless would-be comedies like this one, and I know it sounds as if I am exaggerating, but I swear it's the truth: I not only did not laugh a single time, I didn't even smile
once during the entire movie. It's that bad.
The main thing wrong here is that the set-ups for all of the "gags" (I use the term very loosely) are so lame that the easily predictable payoffs fall completely flat. There also is an interminably
unfunny "dance-off" scene at a gay bar that goes on so long it will make you want to tear off your arm and hit yourself in the face with it. It just goes on and on and on, sort of like an inoperable cancer that
eats your brain.
One very strange thing about the direction of the movie is that several scenes end with no resolution whatsoever. It's as if the actors just got bored and stopped doing their thing, or the camera ran
out of film, and nobody cared enough to worry about it. The result is so inept it's insulting. (Best example: When Stiffler wakes up a florist at her home, watch how the scene just limps to no conclusion
whatsoever before the movie cuts to the next scene. Seriously, I couldn't help thinking that maybe the final line of the scene is some blooper that will show up on the DVD, and that nobody gave a crap
about getting the scene right on a second take.)
Still, I can't help hoping that this movie makes a ton of money, because the executive producers are the guys who just purchased the rights to Michael Moorcock's sword-and-sorcery character
Elric. If they make a great big pile of dough on this piece of irredeemable garbage, maybe the world will get to see a lavish, "Lord-of-the-Rings"-budget fantasy flick in which Elric will shave his pubes with
his trusty sword Stormbringer while his faithful companion Moonglum eats a dog turd. Yeah, that'll be just great, huh?
Back Row Grade: F-
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