David: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be
taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs.
Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay.
I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted, so....every cloud.
You’re still thinking about the bad news aren’t you?
-Judgement
(Tim drops Gareth's stapler out of the window)
Gareth: What if that killed someone?
Tim: Then...they'll think you're the murderer-its got your name on it.
Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on a murder weapon?
Tim: To...stop people borrowing it.
-Downsize
Kieth: I watched that Peak Practice.
Tim: I've never seen it.
Kieth: Bloody repeat.
Tim: Yeah, annoying, innit?
Kieth: Not for me, I hadn't seen it.
-New Girl
Gareth: In this room I have special-
Tim: -needs?
Gareth: No, in this room I am a special-
Tim: -needs child?
Gareth: No, and that's not even funny.
-Work Experience
David: I've tried to create an atmosphere where I'm a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.
-Downsize
David: Look at this-'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
(Tim and Gareth solve a puzzle)
Gareth's chat-up line:
Gareth: You are so immature.
Dawn: Lee proposed to me on Valentine's day. He didn't do it face to face, he took out one of those little ads in the paper, and I think they must have charged by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?'. Which, you know, I like, because its not often you get something which is both romantic and thrifty.
Gareth: Alright, if you're so clever, what am I thinking?
Gareth: I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.
David: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me.
You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill
out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact.
And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David: No, they should be equal.
-Work Experience
Tim: Right, you can't leave the fox with the chicken...
Gareth: Fox and chicken? Together? Bloodbath!
Tim: Yeah, I know, that's why...Anyway, you can't leave the chicken with the grain-
Gareth: Er, hello, I'm a chicken, thankyou Tim for leaving me with with my favourite food.
-Training
Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There’s strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?
-New Girl
Tim: If there's one thing I am not, it's immature.
(He starts dialing his phone)
Gareth: Immature little tosser
(Gareth answers his mobile)
Tim: Cock!
-Work Experience
-Training
Tim: You're thinking 'How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro'.
Gareth: Nope.
Tim: You're thinking 'If I crash landed in the jungle could I eat my own shoes'.
Gareth: No. And you can't.
Tim: Alright, what are you thinking?
Gareth: I was wondering wether there will ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.
-New Girl
-Series 2, Episode 2
-Series 2, Episode 1