Alternate "Titanic" Script

Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat
that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just
now getting worked up about.

Some of you - I am speaking to the women here- have seen this movie several
times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not
been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie
will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose
Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you
see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die,
including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way
down.

I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic
took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long.

Note to reader: From the following choices, select the
"this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.

Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.

Many marriages do not last as long as this movie.

I had to shave twice during this movie.

Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were
formed while I was watching this movie.

As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which
some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter
version of "Titanic."

--The well-known Anonymous



(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for.
It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat
sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my
fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to
make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an
elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you!
Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and
Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we
are on his side. Boo!)


***


(Scene 2)

LEONARDO I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.

KATE So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to
marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat
of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine
of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of
this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to
do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you
have to take off your clothes.

KATE But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?

LEONARDO I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film
is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell
out.

NARRATOR According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
happened.

KATE All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)


***


(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG (hits boat)

FIRST MATE That can't be good.

CAPTAIN Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE (silence)

FIRST MATE That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?


***


(Scene 4)

LEONARDO I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE That is terrible

LEONARDO Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
sinnful behavior?

KATE Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going
to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling
with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously.

LEONARDO Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-

AUDIENCE Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE I hate you people.



***


(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been
for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with
your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr.
Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in
the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)