turbo loff

t'was the morning of friday the thirteenth.   remarkably we'd all been given a day off to catch up on our r.e.m's.   i was walking around herrenberg naively looking for an open shop. this being a public holiday and all, it was a futile exercise... but exercise nonetheless. feeling tired from walking to the end of the road i turned back to see conker. clearly as bored as i was we decided to extend the search to include an area with shops in it. we made our way to the ice cream shop in the middle of town where we ate hawaii toast, musli, croissants which looked suspiciously like jammy dodgers and fruity ice cream.

this done we went to the aral garage.   this is a totally non staaaandard garage in every possible respect. not only do they sell blue petrol but they are open 24 hours a day seemingly all year round. they sell double dip's... the ones with the swizzle sticks and banana flavoured milky way milkshake.   imported from england no less. it's always amazed me how german garages get away with selling alcohol... but they do. so we bought a crate of the stuff.   24 desperado's to be precise.

conker and i took the crate to rasplins room where he fridged the lot.   we settled down to a lazy afternoons drinking when unexpectedly more and more people started appearing. wappers, loff, nik, smiler and pingu eventually bringing up the rear. the funniest thing had to be, every time we went to get some more poisoned beers from the fridge, we told 'miler that, unfortunately, they were the last ones. this must have happened at least ten times and each time it was funnier. the plan was to drink ourselves silly. in a truly biblical fashion, like the story about the small stock of fish, bread and lots of hungry people, alcohol started appearing. we'd had about four desperado's each by now so we were running low. bottles of wine, gin and tonic (and a slice of kiwi), sub gorbachov wodka and even something pingu was trying to offload magically turned up. loff hadn't been drinking much, so we got him a shot glass and poured him a wodka. he downed it in his own inimitable way, which has earned a certain amount of kudos. this was when the idea to make a turboloff was born. as me chippy rasplin and conker had had about six desperados by this point in time we figured loff had quite a bit of catching up to do three shots in a row slipped down his gullet as we chanted 'loff!! loff!! loff!!" at the top of our voices. trying to persuade him he needed more drink, we refilled his glass. i sneakily drank a bottle of 'turning leaf' wine which tasted absolutely lovely, if not a bit like honeydew melon for some reason conker was writing some 'c' on a laptop.   quite a strange thing to be doing really, especially as everyone knows how boring computers are.   mmmmyeah. loff had a couple more wodka's and was getting quite turbo'd.   nik made one of his extra special g and t's (with a slice of kiwi fruit) and we dutifully talked of bouncing heads off of the fifth floor. meanwhile a bag of ridiculously out of date crisps was doing the rounds. as everyone who knows him knows, smiler is a very angry drunk.   he tried to start a fight with nik but realised he'd probably end up with a broken neck if he did. i took great pleasure in using my newest cork screw to open up a second bottle of wine and poured myself a healthy pint.   the rest either got spilled on the floor or tipped down someones neck. things started getting a little out of focus at this point, but i remember almost breaking smilers neck myself after he started a fight with me. loff was given so much vodka he started rolling around the floor.   we all found this highly amusing of course. i finished my glass of wine off by knocking it onto the floor. this also seemed amusing at the time but later turned out to be a rather poor thing to happen i felt a bit sick so i went to my room and stuck my head out of my balcony door to get some fresh air. and to be violently sick of course. rather disturbed by all of this i decided to give up drinking for one month and one day.   pissoir.