EDITOR'S NOTE TO THE LADY PANTHER SOCCER TEAM:
I HONESTLY LOOKED FOR FOUNDER'S FIELD, BUT COULD NOT FIND IT. EVEN FOLKS IN WESTMORLAND COUNTY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT WAS. PORT AUTHORITY HAS NO BUS ROUTES THAT GO THERE. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?! OH WELL, UNTIL I CAN MAKE IT WORK, HANG IN THERE!!
OH HECK, WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING WHEN THE TEAM SLOGAN IS:
LADY PANTHER SOCCER
...WE AIN'T JUST KICKIN' BALLS!!!
HMMMMM...MAYBE THEY PUT YOU WAY OUT FOR GOOD REASON!! AS SOON AS I TIE UP SOME LOOSE ENDS AROUND HERE, I'LL START AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE RUMORS OF
"VIOLENT OUTBURSTS TOWARDS PLAYERS FROM OTHER SCHOOLS" THAT THE MEDIA HAS KEPT SILENT ABOUT. PLEASE REMEMBER, THAT IN THIS TIME OF INTERNATIONAL PROBLEMS, THE UNIVERSITY HAS TO BE SEEN AS SOMEWHERE THAT OTHER TEAMS CAN VISIT, WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING THE OBJECTS OF BEATINGS...ROCK THROWING...BATTERY TOSSING...
ASSULT WITH INTENT...ETC!
IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I WAS ALMOST BEATEN DOWN, JUST FOR TRYING TO ATTEND THE LAST LADY PANTHER VOLLEYBALL GAMES.
THERE I WAS, AS INNOCENT AS USUAL, JUST GOING TO SUPPORT MY SQUAD. AS I WALKED INTO THE FIELD HOUSE THE LADY IN THAT BOOTH SAID:
"FIVE DOLLARS!!"
I SAID: "HECK, THAT MIGHTY NICE OF YOU!! WHAT AM I, THE ONE MILLIONTH PERSON TO ATTEND OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!"
YOU KNOW THE SAYING THAT ONE LOOK SAYS IT ALL...WELL, THAT'S TRUE!
SHE JETTED OUT OF THAT BOOTH WITHOUT SAYING "ANYTHING", BUT THE LOOK ON HER FACE, AND THE FACT THAT HER FISTS WERE CLENCHED LIKE STEEL COILS, HAD ME HEADED OUT THAT DOOR LIKE A SCALDED MUTT!!
SHE CAME OUTSIDE, AND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT "TWO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION THAT EVEN THE UNITED NATIONS WOULD HAVE NO CONTROL OVER!!"...OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I WAS TOO BUSY "GETTIN' OUTTA DODGE", TO INTERPRET IT FULLY.
THE BAD THING IS THAT I THOUGHT IT SAID THAT IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS WERE ALLOWED TO ATTEND FOR FREE.
DAMIT, BIN HOWLAND AND I ARE TWINS!!! WHY CAN'T THEY SEE THE RESEMBLENCE?!
THERE IS NONE SO BLIND...
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS SCANDAL! THE WORLD WILL FINALLY KNOW THAT I AIN'T THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE INTIMIDATED...AS LONG AS I GET A HEAD START!
LISTEN, DO ME A FAVOR, NEXT TIME THERE'S A MATCH AT THE FIELD HOUSE, MEET ME OUT FRONT. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO OVERPOWER THEM.
OR ELSE...UH...ANYBODY GOT FIVE BUCKS?
I'LL PAY IT BACK!!
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN A POLITICIAN WHO DOESN'T KEEP THEIR WORD?!
OK THEN, AND I AIN'T ABOUT TO CHANGE THAT!!
UNTIL THEN:
ALWAYS A PANTHER...LET'S GO PITT!!!
