There once was a player from Maine, Who played chess on a train. He took a move back And was thrown off the track, And he never played chess again. There once was a chessplayer named Flo, Who liked to mate, you know; When you castled long, She helped along, and would say, "O - O - O." There once was a player named Maloney, Who always played the Benoni. But his counterattack, failed to a sac; And his Benoni was just baloney. There once was a girl in the nude, Who played chess with some dude; She announced to her date, She was ready to mate, But her meaning was quite misconstrued. There's something chess computers lack; It's not that they know how to attack; They can fork and pin; They may lose, more often win. But they just will never talk back. Postal chess is here to stay, And no reason why I shouldn't play. It is nice and slow, And I can use my ECO, It's the postage I can't afford to pay. This has happened to you, I bet. You bring your chess set and didn't forget. Then you notice with shock You have a broken chess clock, And a piece is missing from your best set. The USCF rating system is inflated, But the lower rated players are elated. They can lose every game, But their rating stays the same, Or even become higher elevated. A chessboard of a new design that prevents an early resign. With a different king On either wing The board must be 9 by 9. In chess, my wife has one ambition To win under any condition. But to this date She has yet to mate She just can't find the right position. A chessplayer known to be great, Was anything but sedate; When moving to win, He broadly would grin, And bellow: "That's check - and mate!" There once was a Grandmaster named Browne, Who always wore a perpetual frown; As he played blitz against Dzindzi, The crowd got all cringy, He said just one word, that was, "DOWN!"