I am a middle aged woman labeled schizophrenic. The assigning of a diagnosis in mental health is pretty arbitrary and many overlap. There is psychosis that sometimes accompanies depression, PTSD, and even bipolar, so it just depends on who's assessing you as to the label you get. For this sourcebook, I have included a history of treatments, the effects of the stigma attached to all mental illness, just a few of the many current theories about schizophrenia, my own theory (drawn from personal observation), some quotes to amuse or interest you, and last - my attempt at writing fiction, a roman `a clef that describes beekeeping and includes an account of the stress that led to my own personal breakdown.

What is daily life like for me? Excuse me if I sound whiny here. I live an isolated life with little support from family or psychiatric professionals. For example, I gave my novelette to the head nurse and a counselor at the mental health center and they ignored it. Frankly from watching too many movies, I was under the illusion that mental health professionals were concerned about trauma. For a time, I attended the mental health center's day treatment but it was so demoralizing, (and one guy never showered and stunk the place up) that I decided to stay home and try and learn some computer skills.

I have trouble thinking of the words to say, am 50 or more pounds overweight(I believe due to the medication, huge weight gains are common with atypical antipsychotics), and I have no short term memory. My "timing" is so far off, people think I am "slow". These are called the negative symptoms of schizophrenia and comprise 99 percent or more of my life but these are also side effects of neuroleptics. Personally, psychotic thinking is very seldom a part of my life. Taking medication makes daily life sluggish and will probably lead to drug-induced parkinsonism. If I stop taking neuroleptics, I become manic and start giving money away to charities and giving my possessions away until I am bouncing checks; I also become animated and verbal. Descent into psychosis upon withdrawal of anti-psychotics is common and is explained in the drug section of the history link.

For 6 years after my breakdown I had worked various part time minimum wage jobs (very few minimum wage jobs are full time for anyone, not just society's rejects) and stayed off the dole. The last one was a local cafe. I was hired as a dishwasher which was tolerable. The owner soon made me a cook which was miserable as staying on medication destroys your short term memory so trying to remember what was on an order was almost impossible. I was fired for calling in sick. The mental health people were instrumental on getting me on social security and that is how I have lived for the last three years. I am grateful to the government, but also ashamed that I am on a form of welfare. Although I paid into Social Security for the 32 years I worked teaching, as a librarian and a beekeeper, I guess feeling useless and a drain on society (even though the payments are much below the poverty guideline) bothers me the most.

On the bright side, I have a small business buying and selling books on the internet and in the summer I haunt the rummage sales for things to sell on eBay - a hobby that is incredibly fun. I also have two small, rather obnoxious dogs that I like and defend no matter what the neighbors say. For the last few months, I have taken Stresstabs (B-complex vitamins) and although there is no way to measure the change, I do believe I am a little happier. I have always liked reading and writing and lately I can concentrate enough to do both for short periods. I am thinking of writing another novel about a post-menopausal woman who practices vigilante justice against car mechanics that overcharge, rude teenagers, unfair bosses etc. Something similar to my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption, Fried Green Tomatoes or Thelma and Louise but more subtle. Any ideas on creative, amusing revenge would be appreciated and credit will be given. Nothing so harsh as when Homer Simpson said, "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

I understand the general populations view of us. When one of my friends went through nurses training and was required to spend time in the state insane asylum (when they still had them), I remember being completely repulsed by the idea of having to be around crazies. Now I have been on the other side and I am a little less judgmental.

I would like to acknowlege Steve Hassan's book for information that I used in my novelette and Mad in America author Robert Whitaker for much of the history material. I also would like to thank yahoo for letting me put up this site for free through geocities and my apologies for any problems with proper web design. Thanks for visiting my site.

I, like everyone else, have launched a blog - one about schizophrenia, the mental health business, and medicine in general. It is called "Diary of a Mad Crone" and it is located here.