Hoohaw! It’s been a while hasn’t it? Sorry about the ‘not writing anything for a month’ thing.....if anyone noticed at all. *sniff* Anyways here’s a good ‘ol fashioned comedy that will either make you laugh, or want to buy a high-priced projectile-firing weapon to hunt me down. Well, how do you say......on with the show!

I own nothing but what I’m wearing......that doesn’t include GAINAX or Evangelion.

The Surest Way To Get What You Want Is To Steal It.

Chapter One: Ikari takes some time off. OR Rei has Bum luck.

Shinji wasn’t one to just up and leave something, unless it was his father telling him to pilot a giant purple thing, Asuka yelling at him, or Rei nude under him. This was none of those times so Shinji had no reason to leave.

“Of course you do!” Asuka yelled, causing the aforementioned Ikari to wince. “We do nothing but get lectured about the 2nd Impact! If that isn’t a good enough reason to skip school then what is?”

“An Angel attack would appropriate a school evacuation.” Rei said, none to helpful.

Asuka sighed. “WonderGirl, I’m not talking to you.” She turned to Shinji. “Look, no one will even care, we’re Eva pilots, remember? We can say we had tests at Nerv.”

“Think about it Asuka....” Shinji trailed off as Asuka glared at him. He refused to let it scare him. “What are we going to do? And what if someone sees us?”

Asuka grabbed her hair in rage. “Who knows us outside of school and Nerv?”

“I believe it was you who said we were ‘world famous’ Asuka.” Shinji muttered.

“No, I said I was world famous, you two don’t even make an impression. You couldn’t be spotted in a crowd if someone used hounds and infrared goggles!”

“I believe canine units would discover our location without the help of infrared goggles.” Rei said.

Asuka swore. “Sheisse! I was making a point Rei. Now come on, we’re going to miss the train.”

“Train?” Shinji stuttered “No one mentioned a train.”

Asuka looked back as she boarded the passenger car. “How else are we going to get to the heart of the city?”

“We could walk....” Shinji suggested.

Rei picked up her school bag. “Section 2 personnel could transport us to our destination.”

“That’s ruining the point, we don’t WANT to get caught do we?”

Hearing no response Asuka sat down in one of the seats. “Yeow! Damn plastic seats nearly burned me!

“If you would not wear clothing that revealed large parts of your body surface, you would not be subject to physical burns.” Rei said, nodding to Asuka’s halter top and hot pants.

“Rei, at least I wear something besides my plugsuit and a school uniform.” Asuka muttered.

“On the contrary, my clothing wardrobe also contains the garment Ikari gave me and several pairs of under-garments.” Shinji tried not to choke as the train started moving.

“What outfit you gave Rei?” Asuka asked torn between bewilderment and anger. She chose anger.

Shinji hoped the floor of the train would supply an answer, because he sure couldn’t.

“Um.....the...I...what I meant to say......”

Rei took initiative. “Ikari purchased me a formal dress to wear when I accompanied him on a ‘date’.”

“A date huh?” Asuka was no longer angry, much to Shinji’s relief. Now she was furious. “So, Invincible Shinji and WonderGirl on a date! How fitting, the loser and the loserette. The one with the personality of a ceramic coffee mug and the one with the personality of a scared puppy in an alley.”

Tired of this verbal abuse Shinji attempted to fight back. “Wait a minute...we may not have the perfect personalities but at least we’re not over bearing bitches!” That shut Asuka up.....for about two seconds.”

“YOU! Over bearing? I can SHOW you over bearing!” She picked Shinji up by the front of his shirt and shoved him against the wall. Shinji grabbed hold of Asuka’s arms in an attempt to free himself.

“Damn Asuka...you have some muscles.....” Shinji said in awe at Asuka’s biceps.

Asuka dropped Shinji and blushed. “Really? You think? Wait, I’m mad at you.” She ‘hmphed’ and sat down with her arms folded.

“I believe that show of strength was due to over stimulated adrenaline glands.” Rei stated. “Or the presence of testosterone.” Asuka glared at Rei, who simply smiled back.

“W-was that a joke Ayanami?” Shinji stuttered. Rei stared out the window.

The train ground to a slow stop and the three Children waited patently for the doors to open.

“Let’s see, what to do first.....” Asuka trailed off as she took in the view of shops surrounding them. Even at that early hour the streets were alive with people bustling about.

“Wow.....” Shinji stammered while gawking at the masses. “Look at em all.”

Rei simply stared at the congregation of shoppers. “I believe observation of these people’s behaviors will be essential for future use.”

Both Shinji and Asuka stared at Rei, who put her hand up to shield the sun from her eyes. “Yes?” She asked when she noticed the two’s jaw seemed to be hanging near their knees.

“Ayanami...just how big is your vocabulary?”

Rei showed a hint of a smile, but that could’ve been from the sun in her eyes. “I do not understand.”

Asuka growled at Rei‘s ignorance. “What Baka-boy here is trying to say is that you have no life what-so-ever, am I right?”

This seemed to stir something in Rei, because she frowned. “That is untrue, I breath, formulate thoughts, and require the same amount of attention and positive feedback that is needed to have a healthy and successful childhood.”

“Maybe today is a good thing after all.” Shinji said while scratching his head. “The real Rei just might present herself to the world.”

“Would you find that pleasurable Ikari?” Rei asked.

Asuka choked. “Pleasurable? Baka-hentai finds EVERYTHING pleasurable!”

“I do not! Just....I want to get to know you, Ayanami.” Shinji argued.

Rei smiled and nodded slightly. “Then I shall do it.”

Asuka made rude choking and gasping noises while Shinji and Rei shared their moment.

“Okay, I have it figured out!” Asuka said happily.

Shinji looked over to Asuka. “Figured what out?”

“What store I’m going to first, silly!” Asuka said giddily as she grabbed Shinji’s arm and pulled him through a store’s revolving doors.

“Ow! Asuka, you don’t have to be rough, I can walk...on....my....” It was then that Shinji discovered his location.......lingerie section of a women’s clothing store.

“Well, what do you think, Shinji?” Asuka asked, holding up some black lace undies.

Shinji decided that the ceiling might provide sanctuary, so that’s were his gaze stayed glued. “That’s...uh...nice.” Shinji felt something grab his wrist and pull him to a dressing room.

“Stay here while I try it on, and no peeking pervert!” Asuka warned as she entered the small room.

Shinji leaned against the wall and muttered about Asuka trying to kill him when a short bald man scurried over to him.

“Good day sir! And how are you?”

Shinji looked away. “Fine, thank you.....”

“We have a special on bras today!” The little man exclaimed.

Shinji’s face was past red and moving towards purple. “That’s...uh....that’s nice.”

“Isn’t it though? I thought lavender would look absolutely stunning on you, so I picked you out a little something.” He shoved a light purple wonder bra at Shinji, who recoiled.

“I’m a guy! I don’t need that!” He yelled.

The little man looked hurt. “So...you don’t like it?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. It’s a great color, but-”

“Well then, by all means, try it on!”

Shinji pushed the little man, who was reaching to undue Shinji’s shirt away. “No! I’m a boy! I don’t have breasts!”

“Who doesn’t have breasts?” Shinji whirled around to see Asuka, outfitted in nothing but sexy black underwear leaning against the door frame of the dressing room. “It can’t be me, because as you can see I have breasts a plenty.”

“Yes, I mean no...I mean uh....he was making me...I was only...I meant.....damn.” Shinji shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at his shoes. He felt two arms around his shoulders and then Asuka‘s face very close to his ear. “You never said what you think, Shiiiiiinjiiii.” Asuka drew out Shinji’s name in a very seductive manner. Shinji didn’t mind this, save for the fact that Asuka was cutting off his air supply.

“They’re......lov.....ely.” Shinji managed before Asuka let go.

“Seriously Shinji, you’re no fun at all.” And with that Asuka Langley Soryou walked back through the dressing room doors. Shinji sighed in relief and let his body sag against the wall again. He saw the sort annoying man sauntering his way and went in search of sanity. He found it by the cash register, where a very attractive girl was paying for something. Shinji didn’t recognize her from the rear, but she could tell she had short brown hair and was built nicely. The girl finished paying and turned around, smack into Shinji.

“Oof!” The girl exclaimed as Shinji’s head buried itself in her cleavage.

Shinji was already stammering an apology before his face was free. “Really I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, really I- Miss Ibuki?”

True, Maya Ibuki was sprawled on the floor with her bag of lingerie dumped in Shinji’s lap.

“Shinji? What are you doing here? And why aren’t you at school?”

Shinji’s mind reeled as he tried to come up with an alibi. “Um...I have tests at Nerv....to...uh...do.”

“Come on Shinji,” Maya said as she scooped up her purchases. “You know as well as I do there aren’t any tests scheduled for today.”

“Shinji you anta-baka! Where did you go? I hope to God you aren’t peeking under one of these doors!” Asuka’s voice rang out as she hunted through the store. Maya’s face showed her understanding and sympathy.

“Oh.” She said while politely excusing herself from the store.

Asuka found Shinji still on his butt where he landed and even more confused and frightened than he was before.

“You hentai......I have to pay for this.” She stepped up to the cash register and pulled out an envelope of money.

“Hey! Where did you get that from?” Shinji asked as Asuka forked out a large deal of yens.

Asuka smiled as she was handed her bag. “Misato won’t really miss this weeks paycheck will she?”

Shinji opened the door for Asuka as they headed out into the street. “You know she’ll be cranky without any beer.”

“Not a problem. I told Kaji Misato wanted his to buy her a whole refrigerators worth of beer.” Asuka said triumphantly. Shinji stopped.

“What is it?” Asuka asked.

Shinji scratched his head, then his eyes widened. “Where’s Ayanami?!”

*******

“I do not understand.” Rei said again. The homeless man she was talking to sighed.

“I’ll explain it once more kid. I got fired from my job when one of dem Evas stepped on my office building and I couldn’t find no more work now that everybody’s moved away.”

“I do not understand why you do not employ yourself at Nerv headquarters. I believe they are in need of janitorial service workers.”

The bum sighed again. “I can’t get a job like this, look at me.” He stood up and waved his hands over his rags he called clothing. “And I ain’t got no money to buy nothin’ new.”

“I could assist you in purchasing garments of your choosing.” Rei said.

“And how are yea gonna do that, little missy?”

Rei held out her Nerv ID “My Nerv identification access card will allow a credit limit of several thousand yen.”

“Holy googly moogly! Jeeze kid, you one of dem Eva pilots aren’t ya?”

Rei nodded. “I am Rei Ayanami, designated pilot of Evangelion unit zero, prototype anti-angel combat device.”

“Fancy name there. Okay, let’s give it a shot then.”

Rei put the card away. “Let’s go.”

********

“Give it a rest Shinji, if little miss WonderGirl wants to wander the city then let her.” Asuka said as she inhaled a meatball sandwich.

Shinji was still frantically searching the faces of the people that walked by. “But, what if she got mugged...or worse.”

Asuka swallowed and laughed. “Get off it Shinji. I know the thought of Rei getting raped makes you horny, but I think....that...uh...” Asuka noticed Shinji’s hand clenching and unclenching. His face was twisted into a scowl.

“Damn it Asuka! Why can’t you be nice for once?! Ayanami never did anything to hurt you! I can even remember Rei volunteering to do something you absolutely refused to do! I can’t believe you’d even think that I’d be excited over any harm coming to her!” Shinji leaned over and panted heavily.

“Uh, huh.....well don’t just stand there, WonderGirl obviously needs out help.” Asuka set aside her sandwich and stood on the bench her rear was moments ago occupying. “If it’s a blue-haired, red-eyed, albino fourteen year old you want, Shinji Ikari, then I’ll find that blue-haired, red-eyed, albino fourteen year old you want.”

Shinji nodded and took off running.

Asuka sighed and plucked a pebble from the ground. After taking careful aim she hurled it at Shinji’s receding form. It hit him square in the back, knocking him down.

“Ow! Asuka!” He rubbed his back and glared at her.

Asuka calmly walked up and put her hands on her hips. “You do know you’re running into the woods, right?”

“Uh...hehe....” Shinji chuckled and rubbed the back of his head.

The two of them headed of back into the city.

********

“Is this an acceptable garment?” Rei asked, holding up a pink sweater vest.

The bum (who’s name happened to be Richard) Put his head in his hands. “I may be homeless, but I’m not gay.”

“Why are you not happy? Is it normal for homeless men to be unhappy?” Rei asked.

Rich sighed again, he seemed to be doing that lately. “No...I meant I don’t like other men.”

“I do not understand.”

“Pink things like that are for men who like other men.” Rich said.

Rei nodded. “And you....do not.....like men?”

“Not really, no.”

“Should I not like men?” Rei put the sweater back and looked for something else.

Rich followed her into the shoe department. “Well...uh...you see....it’s like this....um...girls are supposed to like guys and guys are....didn’t your parents teach you this?”

“I have no parents.”

Rich nodded. “Neither do I. Mine abandoned me when I was two.”

“I am a genetically engineered semblance of Commander Ikari’s wife using her and the angel Lillith‘s DNA strands.” Rei said coolly as she made her way to the suits.

“Ooooooookay.” Rich agreed. //Kid’s a nutcase.//

Rei pulled a black sports coat from a rack and handed it to Rich. “This is a reasonable and decent garment, is it not?”

“Yeah, wow kid, you have some taste.” He felt the expensive Italian fabric. Rei ignored him and picked out a red shirt and black slacks.

“These will do also.” She stated.

Rei paid for the items while Rich changed. The cashier looked at Rei like she was a mutant freak out to eat the marrow from his bones.

“That will be 14,000 yen, please.”

Rei dug into her school bag and searched for her Nerv ID card. Not finding it she checked the one pocket on her school uniform. Not there either.

“You can pay for this, can’t you.”

Rei was not to be deterred. “I am at a momentary loss of my identification card.”

“Well, that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?” The cashier asked.

Rei steeled herself, the only other proof of her identification on her person was...... Rei undid the top of her school uniform and pulled the strap of her bra to show a tiny gold Nerv ID badge pinned there. “My Identification number is 108766529.” Rei said calmly while the cashier tried, without success, to stop his nosebleed.

“Right...yes, then. Everything checks out...have a...nice.....day.”

Rich exited the dressing room and smoothed out his coat. “How do I look?”

Rei frowned, then she reached into her schoolbag and produced a pair of cracked tinted glasses. She reached up and put them on.

“You look presentable.”

*********

“I can’t find her anywhere! It’s like she disappeared!”

Asuka stopped searching the crowd she was in and caught her breath. “Damn WonderGirl, are you TRYING to hide from us?”

Shinji stopped beside her. “May...*huff huff* Maybe.....*huff huff* we should......*huff huff* look in a store.”

“Yeah right, what store could Rei actually want to buy something in?” Asuka grabbed Shinji’s wrist and pulled him around a corner. Back around the corner Rei left the store with Rich.

“Hey, baka.” Asuka said suddenly.

Shinji gasped for air and looked up. “What?”

“Rei’s been living on her own for, what.....4 years?”

Shinji nodded. “Something like that, yes.”

“Then why are we worrying? Like she never went into the city alone?” Asuka stopped walking and sat down on a bench.

“Well.....you haven’t seen her apartment. Besides, I feel that she’s in danger. Kinda like a sixth sense.”

Asuka snorted. “You idiot. Only us superior women have a sixth sense about danger. Unless there’s something you wanted to tell me.”

“Huh? What? You think....NO! I’m a guy!” Shinji rebuked.

Asuka laughed. “Chill out, I know you men are sensitive about your tools.”

“Since when do you know all this about men, Asuka? Is there something you wanted to tell me?” Shinji asked slyly.

“Yeah, I’m more of a woman then you’ll ever be of a man.” With that she stood up and stretched. “Let’s go home, I’m tired. We’ve been looking for WonderGirl for three hours, and I barely got any shopping done.”

“WAIT!!” Shinji dug into his pocket and pulled free his cell phone. “I have Ayanami’s number on speed dial!” He hit several buttons and put the phone to his ear.”

“You idiot! Why didn’t you think of this before?!” Asuka screeched.

“Shhh, you’re the college graduate, remember?” Shinji muttered and listened.

*Ring Ring......click* “My cellular telephone is currently either in use or deactivated. Leave a short concise message to indicate your request and I will return your call when I receive this message.”

Shinji threw his cell phone at a tree. “No luck. Her cell pone is in use, because I know she never turns it off.”

********

“Yeah Pete, come on over to the Nagiguchi Restaurant. How can I afford it? Never you mind. Yeah, later.” Rich turned off Rei’s cell phone and handed it back. “My friend Pete is the best contact I know. He’ll have the inside scoop on this ‘Instrumentality’ thing you keep talking about.”

Continued at a later date.........

So ends chapter one. I know! One of my comedy fics is in danger of forming a plot! This is what school does to you. ^_^ So what did you think? Personally I liked it, but then again, I’m biased. So let me know what you think by using this nifty review box right down there. Later!