On to Chapter Four! (What? You were expecting more?)

I, of all the people in the world, own not one piece of Evangelion. (If I did you can bet I’d be the one keeping Prozac in business.)

Chapter Four: Operation Save Shinji

Shinji would be lying if he’d said that the two large men holding guns to their backs and ordering them to walk slowly out of the restaurant were tactical geniuses. After all, how many would-be kidnappers order their hostages to crab-walk to the awaiting getaway van?

“This is stupid.” Asuka muttered, vocalizing all three Children’s thoughts.

Pete suppressed the urge to haul back and punt the red-head into orbit. “Shut up and keep walking.”

“I don’t think this can rightfully be called ‘walking’.” Rei stated.

“Didn’t my partner here just say to shut up?” Rich asked, waving his Beretta around threateningly.

Shinji ducked as the gun barrel swung his way. “Well, how about we just walk to the car? It’s only a few feet away.”

“Cause you might try something funny.” Pete stated, wary of Nerv’s extensive ‘combat training’. “We know you guys are sticklers in close combat.” Rich said, keeping the gun at Rei’s back. Rei in turn thought about Shinji and Asuka’s ‘combat training’. Lots of damaged soda machines and a broken food processors were the results if she wasn’t mistaken. Rich had already tasted some of Rei’s better aikido, and sported his torn, thread-bare black suit proudly as he tightened his grip on his pistol.

Rei felt the gun at her back and continued crab-walking to the van, sighing almost unperceivably. They arrived and crab-stood about wondering what their next instructions would be.

“Well? Can’t just keep us standing here in the street.” Asuka said in a huff, her calves growing tired.

“Um....well.....uh.” Pete said smartly.

“We, um....hadn’t really expected to get this far.” Rich said, using the gun barrel to scratch his head.

“Sheisse......” Asuka muttered. “Look, make us get into the van.”

Rich nodded. “Yeah, I guess that would be the next step.” He made a big production of cocking the gun and pointing at the three pilots. “In the van!”

“Yeah, great idea. Tell them how to kidnap us.” Shinji whispered to Asuka as he pulled the van’s door open and climbed in.”

“No talking!” Pete yelled and shoved Rei in, making her land on top of a now very excited Shinji.

Rich slammed the door shut, catching Rei’s long green school dress in the door. Squealing tires propelled the black van down the street and into an alley.

“Get the doc on the phone.” Rich said, leaning on the horn laying air horn waste to any pedestrian ignorant enough to get in the way of any black vehicle tearing down the road.

“Right.” Pete was all professional, fingers dancing over the cell phone buttons. For once things were going right an no Arm & Hammer had yet been spilt. Maybe they’d be paid this time.

*****

From her desk, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi heard a small annoying beeping sound. She drew open the drawer to the desk and rifled through it until she came to the N2-Lite mine she’d been developing.

“Hmmm, accidentally armed itself. Oh well.” With a flick of a switch the mine was dormant.

Deep inside the computer chips of the N2-Lite Bardiel screamed in frustration. How was he supposed to destroy Nerv and get Adam if he was stuck in there?

Ritsuko’s cell phone rang, causing the doctor to jump and drop the mine into an industrial sized paper shredder, killing all hope the poor 13th angel had.

“Akagi.” She said into the phone.

She could almost hear the thug on the other end smile with accomplishment. “We got her.”

“Got who?” Ritsuko stopped her victory dance and looked to the door of her office, where stood Gendo Ikari.

“Um....the maid?” Ritsuko’s genius mind failed to come up with a good excuse.

Gendo smirked, “Tell me, Dr. Akagi. When did Rei become a maid?”

On the other end of the phone Pete continued to talk. “So what should we do with her? Kill her? Crucify her? Rip out her lungs with a spoon-”

Ritsuko uttered three very concise clear words of instructions. “Not now idiot!”

Gendo smirked again. “Let’s move that date tonight up to now, hmmm?” He asked as he advanced.

*******

“This is the right theatre isn’t it?” Hikari asked again. “I mean, it’s the only movie theatre Tokyo-3 has.”

“I bet the three of ‘em are going at it right now.” Toji decided needed to be said. After all, Kensuke was too busy admiring the weapons towers running through their nightly cycles.

“Suzahara! They probably just got held up, I mean, Nerv needs them more then us.” The class rep. said unconvincingly.

“Just look at the size of the pistol! Imagine what that would do if it hit a person!” Kensuke exclaimed as the giant weapon slide out of it’s housing and back in again as the computer checked all the servos and such.

“Aida!” Hikari yanked the back of Kensuke’s shirt as a black van roared by, almost broad-siding him. “Watch were you’re going instead of fantasizing about .....whatever that is.” She pointed to another weapon tower opening up.

“It’s a Slapper MK IV Type 12 multi-purpose surface-to-air portable missile launching system.” Kensuke explained, tugging on his glasses giving him the ‘extra nerdy otaku boy’ look that most girls thought more disgusting than most old crusty men.

“They’d better be here soon or I’m going in without them.” Toji said and crossed his arms. After all he’d convinced Kensuke to just shut up and go with him because Shinji was afraid of ‘hurting the girls feelings’ and here he was skipping out on them! He strutted into the street to pull Kensuke back onto the sidewalk after a SPUD missile launcher opened up and was nearly trampled by a blue sports car doing what the automatic speed recorder later clocked as ‘Holy crap, that’s fast’.

*****

“This is it. Everyone in.” Rich commanded as they reached apartment 402.

Shinji looked up from his crab-walking. “This is Rei’s place.”

“No shit, genius.” Pete said sarcastically and got the key out for the padlock. Then he realized that the padlock was inside the apartment and they were pretty much screwed.

“Who’s the genius now?” Asuka grinned as she reclined against the wall. Pete said something in English that Asuka took offense to.

“Look, we can’t have three kids in the hallway. I’ll pick the lock to one of the empty apartments while you go find a way into ours.” Rich said. With that Pete walked off to go find a side-window or something he could us to get into the First’s place. Asuka muttered about how redundant that task was while Rich busied himself with trying to fit a small bobby pin into the lock of apartment 406 when the door opened and out stepped Agent Ryoji Kaji.

“Um.” Were Kaji’s brilliant words of wisdom. Rich smiled weakly and backed up, using his body to hide the three children against the wall and his coated sleeve to cover his face.

“Nice day, sir.” Rich said in his best beggar's voice, pulling his hat over his eyes. “Can you spare any change?” He hoped his tattered suit was enough to fool the man.

Kaji nodded absently. “Huh? Oh, yeah.” and handed the man some coins. He had a thug to catch, so he set out determined to find the one they called ‘Pete’ and grill...er...‘interrogate’ him.

Rich smiled, not only had he fooled the secret agent, but he’d gained....78 yen too. “Get in.” He motioned with his gun to the still open door. “And hurry up.”

With a groan, Shinji followed Asuka in, digging his SDAT out of his pocket.

“I’ll take that.” Rich said, snagging the piece of music playing goodness away from the poor boy.

Shinji frowned and looked balefully to the thug. “Fine, but I only have Yanni in there.”

Rich shrugged and plugged the headphones into his ears, thankful to be rid of the incessant nagging of the Temper, the whining of the Wuss and the cold even stare of The Bendy One

*****

Misato was in a hurry. She’d spotted a suspicious looking van when she arrived at the restaurant Kaji told her Rei went to and was tailing it for all her car was worth. It could have been the van’s black color that made her suspicious, or the fact that through the windows she could see someone shoving Rei, Shinji, and Asuka in, or the detail of the license plate reading ‘Say-Lay’ but chances are it was ‘We kill clones for cheep!’ written in scrolling kanji on the side. Now she needed to make sure the Eva pilot was safe. Fuyustki had called and warned her that Ritsuko hired a couple of guys to take out Rei, so Misato was now the ‘clone protection program operator’.

She punched the horn as she almost killed a dorky kid that looked like Aida. “Damn kids.” She muttered and floored it through red light, making a man in a green truck swerve into the light post.

With one hand driving, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed. “Lessee.....Kaji.....Kaji....I know I have you on speed dial here...” She looked down briefly to check the little screen on her phone. This was bad for two reasons, with her already impaired driving worsened by only one hand steering Misato was a pedestrian’s worst nightmare. Plus the fact that now she wasn’t looking where she was going....well, it was bad.

“There you are....” She hit the dial button and waited, making the occasional swerve to avoid something that could be used against her in court.

“Kaji.” The spy said when his phone rang.

Misato’s eyes narrowed. “Where did they go? I can’t find em.”

“Don’t worry Katsuragi. I’m tailing one of them. Meet me at Rei’s apartment complex.”

“Right. Wait, isn’t her apartment off Main Street?”

Kaji paused a second. “Yeah. The second right.” Kaji heard a ‘OH SHIT!’ And the screeching of rubber.

Misato dropped the phone and gripped the wheel with both hands, yanking it to the right, making her car skid into a dangerously dangerous turn, taking the first layer of paint off her car as her left side kissed the alley wall.

“Not my car!” Misato wailed as she gunned it into another 90 degree turn.

From the floor came a faint ‘Misato? Misato? I know you’re there. Hello?’

Misato frowned and slammed a high-heeled foot into the tiny device, killing the fading words of Ryoji Kaji. The car took yet one more sharp turn and came to a haphazard stop on the steps on Rei’s apartment complex, dust and steam from the engine mixing and making a really cool scene to any on-looker.

“Like a glove.” Misato whispered opening the car door and stepping out. Quietly she drew her pistol and, holding it close to herself, made haste to the large rotten double doors.

******

“I do not understand.” Rei said again. Rich made a conscious effort not to snap the girl’s neck. He cranked up the volume of Shinji’s SDAT a bit louder, Yanni’s piano piercing his very being.

“What don’t you understand now?” Rich sneered.

Rei blinked at the nasty look. “Why you listen to that music if you find it undesirable.”

“Cause it’s better that what your two chums are belting out.” Rich said with a nod to Asuka’s mixed German and English and Shinji’s off-key howling.

“I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes.” They sang, not quite sure they were even singing or merely yelling to get through to the gunman. It was Asuka’s wunderbar idea to annoy the hell out of the remaining thug and make an escape whilst he was in agony of the previous annoyance. Well, it looked good on paper. They sung the verse for the 78th time.

“I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes.” Went Asuka and Shinji.

Shinji took a breather. “Say, aren’t there any other songs that are annoying, ‘song’ is beginning to lose it’s meaning. Song....s-ong....so-ng.....song.” Shinji played with the word after singing it so much.

“Um.....there’s always Stevie Wonder......” Asuka suggested. “Or N’sync.”

Shinji shuddered involuntarily after remembering Asuka and his ‘test-drive’ of Misato’s old CD player. “What about the Nerv anthem? I can’t think of anything more annoying than that.”

Asuka’s eyes lit up. “You know, for once you’re right. One...two...three!” They began the intricate chorus of Nerv’s official anthem. Even Rei mixed her very soft melody into the fray. And it went something like this.

“(Do da do da do da) Nerv! There’s no-othing cooler....Nerv is so very very cool!

Except that time we had to give samples

Of our stool,

To Dr. Akagi, but that’s ano-o-other story,

Instead you can watch previous Angel Attacks

That were gory!

Watch Shinji beat the living crap out of Sa-acheil,

And maybe you will see how very very spe-eCHial,

Nerv is!...(Bum, BUM, Bum, BUM, Bum)

Now to Gendo...(doodly doodly doo...)

Ikari!

He’s a very uber (ha ha he he ho!)

Sorry!,

Father, and not to mention him and Seele run amok, (bumbity bump!)

with Dr. Akagi who he likes to f-”

Rich stood up and ripped of the head phones. “THAT’S IT! I’m gonna kill all of you!” He whipped out his Beretta and cocked it, to show this was no bluff. “Even you, Bendy. You haven’t really done anything.....but I’m supposed to kill you anyway!” He aimed at her head. “Prepare to die.”

Rei stood in front of him, fearlessly. Her red eyes mocking his very angry green ones. “I do not understand.”

“Heh....heh heh.....Ha hah! HA!” Rich slumped to the floor and began to giggle.

********

Misato charged up the stairs, gun held in the air. She caught sight of some blue on the floor above her.

“Kaji? That you?” She asked, gun at the ready.

Kaji leaned over the railing and smiled. “Well, hello miss, how are you this fine day?”

Misato frowned. “Come on, cut the crap.” She made it up to the floor Kaji was occupying.

“I lost one of them, but they’re in Rei’s place.”

The Major nodded. “Right, let’s go!”

*******

Pete hung from the fire escape railing a floor above apartment number 402. With his feet he felt for something his feet could rest on. The tip of his shoe brushed something solid, and the thug smiled.

“There we go.” he released his hold on the railing and fell. And kept falling, the solid thing his foot momentarily brushed was a bird flying through, nowhere near solid enough to hold him up, and so the fell. With fine-tuned instincts and the reaction time of a Switzerland trained monkey of war, the thug lashed out his hand and caught the edge of the floor below apartment 402. “Whew.....that was close.”

Pete’s other hand felt along the surface of the balcony for purchase, and found a small crack running across the concrete. His fingers crammed themselves into it and Pete hoisted his body over the lip of the balcony, where he lay panting and sweating. After his short breather, Pete crawled to his feet, using the railing for support, and got to work figuring out how to get inside the apartment.

“Screw it.” Pete upholstered his Beretta and opened fire on the hapless sliding window conveniently placed before him. The glass shattered without a second thought and, brushing the loose bits of glass from his shirt, the hired hit-man entered the house of Rei.

*******

“You hear that?” Misato asked in a hushed whisper.

Kaji frowned and nodded. “Yeah, gun fire.” The two crept slowly down the hall, making use of the small alcoves spaced evenly along the length of it for cover. Kaji was about to step out from the alcove he was currently in when the door to apartment 402 exploded open, orange tracers filling the hallway.

“Son of a-” Kaji exclaimed ducking back behind his makeshift barrier. From the other side of the hallway Misato was similarly pinned down.

Pete resisted the urge to giggle madly as he laid Heckler &Koch sub-machinegun induced lead destruction to anything, including the two Nerv flunkies, in the hallway.

“Katsuragi! Toss me you gun!” Kaji yelled, seeing the gun-man was wide open from his vantage point. Misato nodded and dug her gun out of her holster.

“Take it!” She flipped it across the hall, the shiny barrel reflection light as it twisted and spun through the air. Halfway across the hall a bullet from the sustained fire caught it, killing its momentum and dropping it to the floor. Kaji’s shoulders slumped.

“Damn.” The agent leaned back further into his hideaway as seemingly endless bullets caused bullet-like death to anything they encountered.

Misato held her cross and whispered a silent prayer that somehow Shinji, Rei and Asuka made it out alive, when she realized she was by no means religious and didn’t know any prayers.

“Damn.” Misato said and shrugged. A bullet found its way though the drywall Misato was shielding herself behind and struck her back, right below her shoulder blade, right above the kidney. The bullet didn’t have enough momentum left to penetrate fully, but it rendered her unconscious, making her fall face first to the ground.

The shooting paused, Pete’s clip was dry. It would take at least three seconds to pull a new on from his bandolier and slap it in, three seconds Kaji fully intended to utilize.

With almost unprecedented speed, Ryoji Kaji was out from behind his bullet riddled bunker and running headlong at Pete. The aforementioned gun-man only saw a flash of black as he glanced up before the kick forced his chin to clamp painfully down on his tongue.

Pete instantly countered with a flash of cold steel, imbedding in Kaji’s side. The special operative grunted with exertion as the knife buried itself up to the hilt into his rib cage. Kaji didn’t slow his attack, though and

with a kick upwards and the SMG was knocked from the thug’s rasping hands. Another round-house to the face and Pete was slammed against the wall, the back of his skull cracked from the force of the kick Kaji had issued. The Sub machinegun landed a few feet away from Misato’s prone form as Kaji started to see red. he leaned against the wall for support as the world began to spin cruelly.

*****

Rich finally got his giggling under control when he realized that the three minors previously occupying the room with him where no longer there, and the door was open, and from the open door he could see empty bullet casing strewn about. Gone was the goofy bumbling thug, Rich was all business now, and business was good.

“Pete, you’d better have capped them.” He muttered as he checked to see if his gun was still loaded, it was. From his pocket he grabbed a small personal mirror, and making his way to the open door, stuck the better part of it into the hallway, giving him a clear view of what was going on down there. Nothing. Rich was about to check the other side when a bullet whizzed through the air and struck the mirror from his hand, shattering it and lacerating his left hand.

“Shit!” Was all he could yell as two more bullets smashed themselves against the doorframe inches from his left temple. He jerked back inside and stuck the barrel of his Beretta outside and fired off three shots. Silence.

“Pete!?” he called out, hoping his partner was somewhere nearby. Rich heard what sounded like a sub machine gun being cocked in response. Heckler & Koch MMP-50 from the sound of it, Pete’s weapon of choice. “Good it’s you-” Rich started to step out from the door again when the ground centimeters from his toes exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere and making the thug dive across the hall into an awaiting alcove.

“Guess not.” With his back against the wall, Rich fired two shots backwards, then in the following silence peeked around the edge. A bit of white was all he saw as more bullets headed his way. Rich grunted and un-loaded the pistol in the direction of the shooter, letting the spent magazine drop to the ground. While more bullets pounded the wall and area around it the hit-man pulled another clip free from his jacket and shoved it in, making sure he heard it click. From his other pocket he retrieved a small hand grenade. For emergency only... Pete and Rich had agreed earlier. they both had one just in case.

“Heh, this guy’s pretty good, I guess this is an emergency.” He pulled the pin from the tip and chucked it down the hall, leaning out at the same time and opening fire with his fresh clip, hitting the grenade as it arced through the air, detonating it and blowing a truck sized hole in apartment 406 and the outer wall to the apartment complex. As smoke and debris drifted through the air, Rich made a mad dash into the hallway, expending the gun’s last rounds. The bullet’s pierced the thick smoke, and in return a single machinegun bullet exploded from the haze and implanted itself into Rich’s gut.

“Oooooof!” A gust of reserved air rushed from the stricken man’s lungs as his knees hit the floor, then as he toppled over.

Walking from the wreckage of the apartment floor was Rei, MMP-50 in hand with sweat, dirt and dust covering her features.

“Major Katsuragi, Agent Kaji, are you okay?” She asked, letting the gun drop to the floor. Misato didn’t respond, and Kaji looked up from the floor weakly, clutching his side.

“Just great, Rei....”

Rei turned from Kaji and Misato to the janitor’s closet, the door was slightly ajar from a few stray bullets blowing the door handle off.

“Ikari, Soryou, it is safe now.” A face peeked out from the darkness, belonging to Shinji Ikari.

“Rei? Y-you did this?” He surveyed the damage, unbelieving. He was about to say more when he fell flat on his face due to an angry shove from a certain red-head German pilot.

“You!” Rei turned to face the fuming Asuka. “You bitch! Why the hell did you push me in there? With HIM?!” She pointed angrily to the Third Child, struggling to get up.

Rei thought a second. “It was for your own safety. I am instructed on proper use of automatic weaponry. I did not think you would be able to fend off the assailant and survive.”

“What?!” The Second shrieked, “You don’t think I could handle it myself?!” Asuka would’ve gone on, but Kaji, clambering to his feet caught her full attention. “Kaji! Are you alright?”

Kaji nodded and smiled, face blanch. “Y-yeah. Just great. Let’s get out of here.” As Asuka helped Kaji to the stairs Rei and Shinji pulled the still knocked out Major to her feet and began carrying her.

“Uh...” Shinji began, a bit unsure of himself. “I want to thank you....you know, for saving me-well, us. I know Asuka doesn’t act like it, but she wants to, too.”

“Sometimes Soryou confuses me.” Rei stated under the loud ranting Asuka was giving to Kaji about being a better shot. “She has a facade of strength, but inside she is just as scared and afraid as you are, Ikari.”

Shinji frowned and looked at his feet. “Great, someone ELSE to call me a weak idiot.” He muttered.

“I did not say that, Ikari. I am just as scared and weak as both of you, but fear only leads to more fear. You must learn to put it aside.”

Shinji nodded. “I guess, but let me ask you something.....what are you afraid of?” They made it to the bottom of the stairs to find the police waiting with fire trucks and ambulances. Three non-descript black cars undoubtedly from Section 2 were parked across the street in between various of traffic.

“You.” Rei said quietly as two paramedics removed Misato from their care. Shinji stared confused as Rei walked off. Then two medics carrying a stretcher thwacked him upside the head.

*****

“Guten Morgen Kaji!” Asuka said happily as she waltzed into the Nerv hospital, brandishing flowers and chocolates.

“Hi Asuka.” Kaji said.

A second later Shinji came in with Misato pushing him. “Come on!”

“I don’t want to, Misato....” Shinji complained as he was scooted into the room. Sitting in a chair directly across from the door Shinji had just walked into was Rei. “h-Hello Ayanami.”

“Hello Ikari.” Shinji quickly looked away for fear of being embarrassed to death.

Misato smiled cheerfully. “Guess what?”

“Ooh! What?” Asuka asked excitedly.

The major smiled more. “I got Ritsuko to cancel the synch tests today, so you guys are free till tomorrow.”

“Alright!” Asuka cheered. Shinji said a silent thank you to whatever god allowed him to be temporarily free of four hours in an entry plug. He watched as Asuka gave Kaji a hug goodbye and followed her as she stepped out of the room.

“Uh, you coming Rei?” he asked his fellow pilot who was still sitting in the chair.

Rei looked up. “What for?”

Shinji shrugged, “I dunno, just because.” He motioned for Rei to get up and join him, which she reluctantly did.

“Now what to do today.....” Asuka wondered aloud once all three of them were walking down the hallway. “How about we see a movie!”

The two other Children groaned.

“One thing bothers me, though.” Misato said once the pilots were gone. “Why was their name Saylay?”

Kaji grinned. “Well, I uncovered a bit of information on them a while ago. Seems that Saylay is the Asperiasianatic word for ‘Two thugs with big guns that like to shoot stuff and then try to get money for whatever it was they were suppose to do but fail and end up falling into a giant vat of Arm & Hammer.’ Rolls right of the tongue doesn’t it Misato?”

Misato made a mental note to jack up Kaji’s morphine level a bit........

******

“Wonder....if......Shinji’s.....alright.” Toji mumbled as he sat propped up against Kensuke.

Kensuke muttered something about AK-47s and his life-long dream. Hikari was too busy gently snoring in Toji’s lap to bother responding, so Toji let it be. He glanced at his watch.....yep, they’d been there for three days straight, and Toji had YET to get even one kiss like Kensuke had prophesized. Oh well....always tomorrow.

End

Author’s notes:

Why? Why must one of my comedy fics come out so lame and WAFF-like in the end? Beats me, I just write it. I have no clue when this takes place, but if you really want to know I’ll tell you. Wait for it...wait for it.....sometime after the 10th angel but before the 13th (poor Bardiel.....).

Later.